Wednesday, December 3, 1997
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"Gore Did Not Kill JonBenet Ramsey," Says Reno

Wellfleet, MA - (Dec 3) - Al Reno today or was it yesterday said that Gore didn't kill JonBenet. And apparently Clinton didn't kill or fuck the au pair girl, either.

In a press conference held hanging off the new shuttle grappler arm, the ATTorney-GEneral said that there was no evidence whatsoever that the Vice-President, Al Gore or somebody, had killed the 8-year-old beauty queen or whatever.

"Apparently," said Reno, "Gore couldn't have killed the 8-year-old beauty queen or whatever, cause he was in the offal office at the time, giving out blowjobs in exchange for illegal campaign contributions from foreign drug dealers and pornographers.

"And speaking of pornography," said Reno, "Donna Rice Hughes."

However, in a separate press conference held along the line of planets starting from the moon at sunset in the southwest sky (at least as seen in the southwest), Republican good-old-boy Senator, Chef GoodOleBoyardee, argued that "Donna Rice Hughes is obscenity, NOT pornography, and should be illegal to send over the internet to our poor starving motherfucking children. And also, by the way, Secretary-General or whatever Reno should be impeached up the wazoo for not knowing the difference between obscenity and pornography and thereby endangering the lives of our poor starving helpless motherfucking cocksucking children, also up the wazoo."

And, in a press conference held aboard former Senator and Presidential wannabe (and might-have-been had it not been for some opportunistic bitch or other), Gary Hart's cabin cruiser, "Ho, Ho, Ho," former adulteress turned hypocrite media-whore, Donna Rice Hughes, seemed to at least partially agree when she said that "We must save our poor starving motherfucking cocksucking children from pornography like myself, or it'll be the end of Western Civilization as we know it. And speaking of Western Civilization, would you like to see the new line of jeans I'm selling, or buy some of these back issues of Hustler with my centerfold in it, or buy some copies of this searing memoir I wrote about how I dealt with all the pain of cashing in on being a media celeb just for fucking a Senator in public?"

Meanwhile the whole internet pornography industry of Microsoft and Netscape and Sun and Oracle and AOL agreed, in a special conference held to agree that children should just shut the fuck up and do drugs and read the New York Times instead of pornography or vice versa, that our motherfucking cocksucking children should, in fact, just shut the fuck up and do drugs and read the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal instead of pornography. Or Vice Versa.

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