Friday, December 4, 1998
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Java Apparently A Piece of Shit; Microsoft Too

Testimony at today's 26th day or so of the so-called Microsoft "anti-trust" trial, revealed that the so-called "Java" programming language, is, apparently, an utter fucking piece of shit.

"Face it," Microsoft Attorney Rebecca Kramer told Supreme court Chief Justice Garth Register Jr. who is presiding over the case, "everyone knows that Java is unquestionably just an utter fucking piece of shit. Case closed."

However, Sun Microsystems chief programmer, Hollis Mosher III, who was on the witness stand at the time, immediately tried to blunt the Microsoft accusations, saying that "well even if Java really were an utter fucking piece of shit (which I'm not saying it is), Microsoft would still be an even bigger utter fucking piece of shit (which I am saying it isn't not)."

After 2 hours of deliberation with the rest of the Supreme Court, Chief Justice Register reached a unanimous verdict that both Microsoft and Java were the biggest utter fucking pieces of shit ever invented, but because they both existed at a level of being a piece of shit that was simply too high to measure or even fathom, it was impossible to distinguish between them as to which really was or wasn't the biggest utter fucking piece of shit. Case Closed.

"But this inability," said Register, in his written decision, "of modern day sensors to distinguish a difference in how much a piece of shit each is, does not mean that there is no difference -- just that this difference, like the reason why there's a Federal Communication Commission even though no one's ever really committed communication, is forever unknowable."

Internet 2020

Dick Gartner, president of the Gartner Group, met with reporters today, to tell the assembled buncha morons and losers just what the internet will look like in the year 2020.

"In the year 2020," said Gartner, unable to hide his unbridled enthusiasm, "we will have mastered the use of voice over the internet. So it will be possible to sit at your computer, punch in some numbers at the keyboard and, after an appropriate waiting period, to speak directly to a nearby friend or business, or to someone anywhere in the country."

Gartner explained how, thanks to all the economies of the internet, these "interactive voice e-contacts" could be made at a cost of about 40 cents a minute, with a voice quality similar to that of 2 tin cans connected by a hundred-foot-long piece of string.

"Even though you are miles away," said Gartner, "the sound quality will still be as good as if you were just a hundred feet apart talking over a piece of string connecting two tin cans."

Though Gartner frequently used the term, "piece of string," he was quick to assure reporters that this frequent usage was in no way meant to imply that the phrase, "piece of shit" should in anyway be applied to the state of the Internet in 2020, let alone the phrase "utter fucking worthless piece of shit."

"And even if it is an utter fucking piece of shit," Gartner told reporters, "it still won't be as big an utter fucking piece of shit as either Java or Microsoft taken separately -- let alone taken together."

When asked if the future of the internet wasn't simply, therefore, reinventing the telephone at the end of 20 years of mega-mergers and bogus stock shoot-ups, and charging more for worse quality, Gartner replied, "What's a telephone?"

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1998 by HC