Friday, December 5, 1997
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

Driving-Cars-Through-Walls Replaces Heroin As "Chic"

Miami, FL - (Dec 5) - According to CNN, people all over the country are driving their cars through, like, the 5th story concrete walls of parking structures, and just hanging there, half in, half out, for hours, just cause, you know, they fucking FEEL LIKE IT.

"They are also," said a spokesman for CNN, "Intentionally overturning their small bulldozers while driving them, so they fall into large trenches and are trapped there for hours, pinned under the piece of heavy equipment. According to the New York Times, they are doing this, 'Because kicks have, apparently, just kept getting, you know, harder to find.'"

Windows 95 Made Me Do It

The 14-year-old kid who shot 8 classmates in Paducah Kentucky, admitted, today, that he got the idea to shoot his classmates from using Windows 95, viewing "Intel Inside" ads, and from reading Wired Magazine and the Bible.

"I think, when it comes to campaign finance reform," said the 14-year old at a press conference held to honor today's 3000-point stock market crash or rally, whichever, "Politicians should be allowed to raise as much money as they want, in any manner or sums that they want, but then, once they've got all their pretty little money, instead of using it to produce and buy time for lying, hypocritical, manipulative TV commercials, they have to take it and stick it up their fucking asses, a fucking penny at a time. And with each one, admit to a different world teleconferenced audience, how sorry they are to be such lying, hypocritical, disingenuous slimeballs."

A close friend of the 14-year-old suspect, who was shot to death by police for resisting arrest early today, told reporters with his dying breath that he didn't think his friend would have killed anyone if he'd been using a Unix or Mac OS. Or even that IBM thing.

Wired Dumps Editors

Wired Magazine, still trying every trick in the book to be just a little less lame, today, announced that Editor-in-Chief John or Leo or somebody Rossetto, would step down to accept a job with the Weather Channel, predicting whether it's gonna like, rain someplace, or not.

And to replace him as Editor-in-Chief, Wired has apparently chosen Heroin.

Most recently Heroin has served with The New Yorker, Vanity Fair and the New York Times Magazine, and is apparently being hired because of Heroin Chic.

"We had considered hiring Psilocybin or Acid," said Rebecca Kramer, President of Wired Ventures and former rhythm guitarist with The Ventures, "But while I was at the dentist's I saw an old Time Magazine that said Heroin was chic or something and I knew that Wired would have to be chic or something too."

Wired Ventures which has failed miserably in publishing books, producing online content, and foisting an IPO on the public, has managed to take its magazine from one showing at least a tiny speck of early promise, to, in 4 or 5 years, a tired, unconscious parody of the self it never even really became.

But according to Kramer, quoting Wired's spiritual guru and carrion albatross, Marshall McLuhan, "Ehhh, so's your mother's fuckin' magazine of 'digital culture,' ya motherfucker!"

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Copyright (c) 1997 by C3F