Friday, December 6, 1996
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Whoops! US Leads Slouch Towards World Stock Collapse

Greenspan Remarks Spark Stock Market Crash
The stock market totally crashed its fucking ass off today, with Dow's Industrial Jones dropping like 6000 points to about 500, where it probably hasn't fucking been since around 1936 or so.

The crash came as a direct result of loudmouth Federal Reserve Chairman, Milton or Marvin or Melvin or something Greenspan, saying that like "Stocks are really a load of shit, and American boomers, yuppies and gen-Xers or whatever, have been royally duped into dumping all their hard fucking earned savings into lame mutual funds run by alcoholics, heroin addicts, and child molesters."

Veteran market analysts, who've all just recently graduated from local community colleges with AAs in Poly Sci, cautioned the American people to "Like, not get all spooked or anything -- and just hang on to your worthless mutual funds cause these things, like, all go in, like, cycles and, like, it'll all come back in a few, uh, years, and, you know, like, uh, just, uh, keep, uh, you know?"

Jobless Claims Drop by 8000, Spark Stock Market Crash
According to the US Bureau of Laborious Statistics, 8000 fewer people are running around bitching about not receiving an adequate number of blowjobs last month, than were running around bitching about not receiving an adequate number of blowjobs, the month before. "This may be good for the people," said a Bureau of Laboriousness statistician, "Cause it means there's less sexual tension in the population. But it really pisses off the stock brokers when they, like, stop hearing all those 'no blowjob' tales of woe, so they get really antsy, sell off like crazy, and the market crashes and everybody gets wiped out. Yawn."

Shortage of Nintendo 64s Cause World Markets to Tank
According to the American Association for the Advancement of Pre-Adolescent Hyper-consumerism, kids are not responsible for the massive shortage of Nintendo's new game machine. Instead, the entire pre-Christmas inventory has been bought up by aging boomers who think the "64" means the machine will, like, bring back 1964, and by novice sex-therapists who think "64" is, like, a new sex act.

Astronauts Get Obnoxious, Ground Control Response Crashes Stock Market
NASA ground control technicians have stopped taking calls from astronauts aboard the Space Shuttle Columbia or Challenger or whatever, which was due to return to earth several days ago. "Man, those losers up there just started gettin' real ugly and abusive over the phone," said Chief Ground Controller, Rebecca Kramer, of Barstow, CA, "So we just stopped taking their fucking calls." When asked when the shuttle would be returning to earth, Kramer responded, "Uhh, shuttle? Shuttle? Oh yeah, right. The shuttle. You mean last week's flavor-of-the-month? I mean, like, what's the shuttle done for me lately. Around here, we're all into the Mars thing. The shuttle's just an old bad joke, just another one of yesterday's tasteless cons, like leisure suits, or the internet."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F