Fight Stupid Consumerism!! Buy my fucking book!! The Washington 
Monday, Dec 6, 2099

Year End Review

The 21st Century

The 21st Century today stands at the cusp of becoming just soooooooooooo yesterday. Therefore, blah blah blah whatever, whatever....

The 21st century is the first century to somehow get away with skipping whole decades without anyone even noticing. Researchers at MIT believe this may be caused by its being the first century named after a real estate agency.

The new millennium/century begins with the proverbial bang as waves of earthquakes oscillate across the planet, causing, however, only atmospheric damage that goes unnoticed for many weeks, overshadowed by the rash of other millennial cataclysms which are, however, in the end, shown to be purely psycho-linguistic.

The world Starbucks-SUV riots come to a head at the Battle of Wal-Mart -- the first 1-battle, nationwide Civil War fought entirely in single individually branded buildings scattered across an entire continent. The rebels ultimately win the day and Starbucks is forced to change its logo.

Broadband users reach 2 million mark. Piece on earth reigns supreme, but theologians insist "Piece of what?" still remains the fundamental question.

Broadband penetration approaches 2 and a half million. E-commerce nostalgia sweeps teen culture. E-commerce haircuts back "in" after only 2 years of being "out." MIT researchers warn ever-shrinking nostalgia cycles threaten the existence of fashion itself. Being too.

Mysteriously lost space probes and mysteriously dead pop stars from last century all suddenly miraculously re-appear in the same place at the same time, claiming they were never really lost or dead and never stopped writing new material or gathering raw data from the surface of distant planets -- and now they'd like to go on tour to share all their new songs and data with the people.

Seemingly endless tour of ostensibly dead and disappeared pop stars and space probes finally begins to wind down, but consensus reality has been totally lost due to everybody trying to accommodate themselves to these ancient assholes' songs and data.

Research done at MIT shows they have even drowned out crap, which, research done at MIT two years previous had shown is apparently needed to keep people sane.

The great migration. The telecommunications companies have all fallen, but their satellites and lines remain in place and functioning.

Because all calls to anywhere are free, people roam aimlessly from city to city, country to country, continent to continent, constantly on the phone to the folks back home, waiting for their brains to somehow suddenly "kick in" and meld back into some kind of refurbished reality also, simultaneously, itself, just now "kicking in."

The only things anyone needs are batteries, cigarettes, water, and vitamin E. Food had been shown to be superfluous in 2015, as had sleep and warmth in 2016. And proof that sex and defecation were likewise superfluous had ostensibly been destroyed in the Great MIT Fire of 2017, but everybody knew the rumors.


Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it
The planet Mars just before the start of the 21st Century.

Some picture of something that somehow seems to go with the text 
below, though sometimes the connection is so counter-cosmic that only Barry 
Diller gets it The planet Mars just AFTER the start of the 21st Century.

Local Planet Dodges Alien Probe, Again

Average Joe wins coveted eBay hOspital Chief of Neurosurgery slot with $9K bid!!

Slimy Real Estate "Billionaire" Donald Schmuck sets up world's cheapest piece of shit website to beg for money

[ PREVIOUS  |   ARCHIVES   |   C3F ]

Another chance to fight stupid consumerism by buying my fucking 


Copyright (c) 1999 by HC