Monday, December 8, 1997
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All Politics Is LSD-27

New, England - (Dec 8) - According to an article appearing, today, in the New England Journal of Medicine, the old adage that "If you're a conservative at 25, you have no heart. But, if you're not a conservative at 45, then, obviously, you just haven't turned into a senile old fart yet," apparently has a molecular basis in human DNA.

"But if you're 45, and haven't learned the mistakes of History," the article goes on to say, "Then you're less likely to repeat them than someone who was mugged the night before."

However, in another article in the same issue, Dr. Sid Viscous states that "Error is the bull dung that germinates the peyote spores of the ego's construction of social reality, without which, there'd be no continuity to everyday life, anyway, so, like, why fucking bother?"

However, his arguments are refuted in an article appearing today in the New York Times by Dr. Rebecca Kramer which states, "I wanted some journalistic organization to carry this article, but I was in a rush, so I put it in the New York Times."

Dr. Kramer who is, apparently, according to Time-Warner or NBC, "The greatest author since sliced bread," claims that "Hundreds of thousands of new jobs are being created by the Internet, because companies like CNET have to hire thousands of people to sit around typing 'CNET Sucks' into search engines all day, in order to determine whether, in fact, they really do suck or not, and whether places like the New York Times and Wired and Suck suck even more."

Dr. Kramer is famous for discovering that the life which has not created miniature life which, in turn, is capable of, in turn, creating miniature life which can, in turn, itself, create miniature life, is, apparently, not worth living.

In order to stay famous, she travels the country lecturing to large crowds about how they should stay anonymous.

In 1998 she will be awarded the Nobel Prize for figuring out that television is something you watch in the hope that, suddenly, regular programming will be permanently pre-empted and replaced by endless, back-to-back Ernie Kovacs Shows.

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