Monday, December 9, 1996
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Wired, Like, Sells Out!

OK, there's this magazine called "Wired" which, in case you didn't already know, is, like, the Bible of the whole digital revolution or something.

Well, despite being utterly hip and utterly successful, and receiving Pulitzer and Nobel prizes up the fucking wazoo, somehow Wired's kind of lost hundreds of millions of dollars somewhere. Whoops.

But no biggie, cause the folks that run Wired figured they could just go score some quick, dumb, IPO money to keep the show going. But, whoops, somebody, unfortunately, actually, like, read the prospectus which, unfortunately, had been written on, like, mescaline or DMT or something, and had this free association thing going, where, like, "Wire" was free associated with, like, "Ma Bell" which was shortened to "Ma" and instead of Wired Magazine, the IPO came across like it was for, like, Mad Magazine, or something.

OK, so clearly some deep pockets buyer was gonna have to come along to save Wired's ass, and (surprise) today, the Walt Disney Company, makers of "Steam Boat Willie" and "Fantasia," did just that, in a seemingly bizarre marriage that stunned the entertainment and business worlds.

Of course, both Wired and Disney spokespeople were quick to poo poo the idea that the acquisition, like, utterly sucked, because of a total, like, mismatch in corporate cultures, an all. "Why, only today, I noticed a number of Wired staffers wearing, like, Mickey Mouse ears and Fantasyland tee-shirts." joked Disney president, Mike Eisner or Mike Ovitz or Mike Medavoy or Mike Tyson, or whoever. "Which means we're already pretty firmly ingrained in the worldview and mindset of these, uh, people."

An ex-wired staffer, on hand for Eisner's or Ovitz's visit was quick to add, "Yeah, and Louie Rossetto's fucking Goofy -- which makes for even, uh, closer ties."

Getting serious, Eisner or Ovitz or whoever, explained the rationale for the clearly irrational purchase.

"Now that the digital revolution is, like, over," he began, "Wired is left holding the bag -- of utterly un-needed content, and a machine for generating an endless supply of such content.

"But, if we've learned anything at all about people, it's that they, like, 'don't want no stinking content.' What they really want -- is process. They wanna feel the angst of the struggle to get to content. They don't want your cold, limp end-product. What they want is the warm, human act of production. And here, in the Wired hothouse, we've got acres of seething humanity, doing just that.

"Caffeinated, doped up, gen-Xers, boomers, hippies, punks, driven by righteous intent, slacking, slouching, and/or working their asses off round the clock to put out a kick-ass zine.... Just the pure adrenaline rush of the place, the glow of success, of conquest, of victory, of being on the absolute bleeding cutting stabbing maiming edge --- that's something that suburban, middle-class families will pay, like, US$30-US$50 a head, just to stand and gape at, in awe."

According to Eisner or Ovitz or Medavoy or Barbara Streisand's hairdresser or whoever, "Nothing will be changed at Wired. We want to preserve the ambiance in stone, like a national treasure. So Wired will continue to produce a new, fresh, slick, professional magazine each month. We just won't, like, waste the money to print or distribute it or put it up on a website."

Goofy, who's been assigned to guide the Wired editorial policy, claimed that there'd be essentially no change. "They've always done things exactly as I would have done them myself," Goofy stated, "So there's no reason to change."

Mickey Mouse, who will assist Goofy during the transition phase, insisted that, for now, at least, most of the essential Wired staff would be maintained, but that, over time, and in conjunction with Disney's special effects department, Wired staff would gradually be replaced by animatronic and somewhat physically-enhanced replicas of select current staff members. At that point, actual writing would be done by random text generators, written in javascript, while graphics would be chosen at random from random Corel clip-art disks, much as things are done, at present.

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