Tuesday, December 10, 1996
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MSN Out to Re-Launch: Nervous Gene on Parade

Well, creepy old Bill Gates, for, like, the 150th time this month, today, re-re-re-launched his newly re-re-re-designed creepy online service, called Microsoft Network, or something, in order to compete more fully with even creepier (if that's possible) America Online, an online service run by creepy old Steve Case.

"The new Microsoft Network is not really as much a piece of shit as the old Microsoft Network," Gates explained to the trees, out behind Microsoft's Redmond, Washington campus, "First, we've re-designed the whole thing from scratch, taking into consideration the fact that anyone who subscribes to it has to be, like, an utter fucking moron, or something.

"And we've left no moss-covered rock un-turned, in our attempt to come up with ideas too old and too trite for even TV -- in order to be able to create an online experience which satisfies the largest segment of our user base who are, generally, just too, like, dumb, even for, like, Schwarzennegar or Bruce Willis movies."

A hallmark of the new re-re-revised MSN is constant, annoying, on-screen action. Like maybe it got an extra dose of the nervous gene or something. (In fact, the rate of epileptic seizures in people viewing the beta version of MSN, was well above the NIH's acceptable seizure rate of 5.5%) You know, there's, like, eyeballs that move around pointlessly, and pages that keep changing before you can read enough of them to realize that you don't wanna read any more of them, and, like, little colored borders that light up when you're cursor's over a line, so you know that, like, your cursor's over, like, the line it's, like, over.

And, you know, like, tons more shit like that, too numerous and too exciting to mention. But here's a sample of some of the new, new, revised, new shows, anyway:

.357 Magnum Ave.: Man, this action-comedy-psycho-drama insults your brain on, like, a synapse-by-synapse basis. It's about this John Woo-style ad agency, where, like, when somebody's stuck for an idea or has writer's block, or something, they just fucking blow everybody else in the agency away to, like, shake loose the cobwebs, or whatever.

But, like, you'll have to pay the subscription fee if you wanna' know which cliched ending the hack writers have used to climax the cliched plot you've just been bored to tears by.

Martha Stewart's Give the Gift of Plutonium: In conjunction with the Department of Energy's attempt to get rid of, like, 50 billion tons of plutonium they suddenly don't, like, want anymore, the all new MSN has hired creepy old Martha Stewart to show you all the neat little Christmas tchotchkas you can make, yourself, at home, using Official DOE-grade leftover plutonium you can order direct from Microsoft, by just fucking clicking a fucking icon.

There are also free recipes on Martha's "Plutonium Cookery" page, which use the little dribs and drabs of plutonium that get shaved off as you're making your gift, and would otherwise go to waste. -- The Mocha-Plutonium shake is a must-swallow.

The Brokered Line: an online game that tests your ability to tolerate the constant drumbeat of how incredibly stupid the designers of the game must think you are.

In "Brokered Line," you're the broker, and your goal is to dispose of a metric ton of cocaine, a line at a time, as you move rapidly through a string of scenarios ripped-off from Hollywood films of the mid-80's.

Waiting for Godot to Exhale: Another online sitcom where two dudes sit around bitching about four chicks who sit around bitching, about, you know, the whole inter-operability lie.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F