Wednesday, December 11, 1996
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Earth "Shines Like the Sun:" It's Java Day

OK, in case you're so out of it that you didn't know, today's, like, the most important day in the history of the world. Bigger than Christmas and Thanksgiving put together. Bigger than all wars, all nations, all paradigm shifts.

Today's, like, Fall '96 Internet World's "Java Day" and, in case you didn't already know, Java's like the most important thing that ever happened -- more important than Christ and Freud and Genghis Khan put together. Java's so cool, that, for example, if Java were, like, President, there'd be no poverty or taxes and the CPI would be zero. And if Java were capitalism, people would be buying, like, salad shooters and Mr. Microphones, like, 24-7 in their sleep. And if Java were, like, a zine, it'd be "Wired", "Cosmo," and "Car and Driver," all rolled into one. And if Java were a song, it'd be, like, "Stairway to Heaven," "Louie Louie," and "We Are the World" (or whatever), combined.

Anyway, and in case you've been hiding under a rock or something and didn't know, the thing that's really really cool about Java is, like, total platform independence. Lemme say that again: LIKE, TOTAL PLATFORM INDEPENDENCE. Which means that, like, if you're a developer (which, of course, is the only cool thing to be, but few are called) then, you just write it ONCE and it AUTOMATICALLY (as if by magic), instantly runs, like, automatically, on any other machine in the world whatsoever, no matter anything and regardless of everything.

(Of course, at the moment, if you're, like, one of the 80% of computer users not running like Windows '95 on a Wintel box or some bloated UNIX workstation, then, whoops, you don't get to experience the perfect platform independence and inter-operability of Java. But, of course, that's your own fault for being such a fucking loser. Eventually you'll either come around or die off -- and meanwhile, it's clear that Java is, like, totally platform independent for, at least, all "cool" people, anyway.)

And, if you're, like, a user, then Java will make all your dull, stupid, boring, dumb, pathetic web pages, like, suddenly spring to life with all the color and glory and richness and power and beauty and depth and excitement of interactivity, and with all kinds of things -- like spinning logos and, like, scrolling banners, and, you know, like, all kinds of exciting things, too numerous and too varied to mention here in this brief article which, you know, has to be, like, really concise and all, cause of, like, the space limitations of the medium, so there's just no room to really go into depth about all the exciting things you can, like, do with Java. (But suffice it to say, they'd fill a few continents or solar systems.)

According to either Larry Ellison or Scot McNeely or Jim Barksdale or somebody, "If Java were, like, Speaker of the House or Secretary of Energy, then a bright light would permanently emanate from the center of the earth and time would move so slow, that you'd be able to wake up in the morning and, if you thought, 'Shit, I'd really like to come up with a unified field theory of, like, the universe and consciousness and life and history, today,' then, thanks to Java, you'd have your unified field theory by lunchtime and could then have the rest of the day free to spend doing more important things, like fucking over a co-worker or screwing a family member."

OK, so anyway, today is, like, Java day at the Internet Trade Show thing or whatever, and, like, even though Java is, like, totally perfect (as described above to the extent our limited space would allow), there's still just a few, tiny, small problems that, like, what better day is there to iron them out on, than on, like, Java Day.

So, Larry Ellison (who's, like, "Mr. Java" the way Joe DiMaggio was, like, Mr. Coffee (get it?), but, like, not the way Joe DiMaggio was, like, Mr. Marilyn Monroe, or the way, like, Phil Rizzuto was, like, Mr. Money Store, or, like, Sally Struthers was, like, Ms. Starving Children.) told the assembled crowd at Java Day festivities that "It's time to stop fucking around and time to get serious and get down to business an all. Cause, see, what's happening is that some people are saying, like, their version of Java's gonna be just a little better than somebody else's and then somebody else says their version of Java is just a little better than the last person's, and then there's, like, this tower of babel effect or something, or it'll just be like, UNIX, or something, so why bother?"

So, what Ellison offered to provide is, like, the 100% pure and final solution to the question of, you know, any, like, deviation in the, like, implementation of Java, an all.

"So, like, we're gonna be setting up these, uh, education camps," said Ellison, "Where people can go to learn how to be 100% pure. And, of course, anybody who isn't now, and can't or won't learn to be, -- well -- they might as well go fuck or blow themselves, unless, of course, they're Microsoft, in which case, uh, you know. Whatever."

See, the lack of this 100% pure solution is what's really been holding back, you know, the torrent or waterfall or juggernaut of Java development, and so, as a result, the only new product announced at the whole Internet world trade show, was, like, this Java applet from Sanguine Systems. It's, like, a little toggle switch icon that sits in the menu bar, which, when you click it, says, "Java Disabled. Have a Nice Day."


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F