Friday, December 12, 1997
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All Pharmacology is Local

Athens, GR - (Dec 12) - According to Plato, "All philosophy is just a footnote to, well .... me!"

But it wasn't until Norm Unmailer's book, "The Naked and the Extra-Naked," that anyone was willing to admit that, in the end, Everything is really just a footnote to Everything Else, anyway, so, like, why fucking bother?

But it wasn't until very recently, that anyone has apparently begun to capitalize on this supposed glitch in reality (or glitch in the process that converts neutrinos into reality), by releasing books and films and celebrities that are simply footnotes to other books and films and celebs and songs and lies, and to which, in turn, other books and films and celebs and songs and lies and space colonies will, themselves, also, just be, like, fucking, you know, footnotes.

Franks Anotra, for example, thanks to a few well-placed, blood-spurting Mafia horseheads, will, today, be releasing his new novel, "Stranger in a Strange Land Rover."

"Stranger in a Strange Land Rover" is the story of a guy from Venus or Uranus, who lands on Mars in a beat up old Land Rover that's, like, all covered with flowers an' shit. He picks up Albert Camus and Orson Welles hitchhiking, and the 3 strangers travel around Mars in the strange Land Rover, getting drunk and watching pornography. When people point and laugh at their trashed out vehicle, they just scream back, phonetically, the Martian equivalent of, "Don't laugh, lady, your daughter's probably in here."

In news of other new books which are really only just footnotes to other books, Jack "Aero" Whack will be launching his new, "On a Hot Tin Roof," series, starting will the sensitive love story, "Bat on a Hot Tin Roof." To be followed, apparently, in quick succession by the entomological parable, "Gnat on a Hot Tin Roof," and the sprawling epic, "Yak on a Hot Tin Roof," each of which is, ultimately, about, like, what happens when, respectively, a bat, a gnat, and a yak are placed on, you know, a hot tin roof.

The film version, already in the works from director Steven Plagiarismberger, will, because of the nature of the so-called "filmic medium," have to exercise lots of so-called "pharmacologic license" in combining all 3 books into a single 3-hour goopy sentimental piece of over-wrought but critically unassailable tripe, called either "Earwig on a Hot Tin Roof," or "Rebel Without a Hot Tin Roof."

CNET Bans Rifles; Handguns Still OK

Fran Ksnotra, Chairman of the CNET bored, today, requested that CNET employees please stop bringing their hi-powered rifles and sawed-off shotguns to work everyday.

"It's not that we have anything against hi-powered rifles and sawed-off shotguns, here at CNET: the Confused Network," Ksnotra stated, "It's just that people tended to kinda stand them up against the wall of their cubicles and, occasionally, one'd drop over and accidentally discharge, and wake everybody up. And, you know, we've gotta have our people well-rested just in case anything, like, EVER FUCKING HAPPENS IN THIS FUCKING 'INDUSTRY!'"

Ksnotra did state, however, that employees would still be allowed to bring all their hand guns to work, as usual, "So they'll have something to shoot into the ceiling to celebrate, in the event that anyone ever has, you know, A FUCKING IDEA, AROUND HERE!"

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