Monday, December 15, 1997
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All Politics Is Pharmacological

Wash, DC - (Dec 15) - According to CNN or the New York Stock Exchange, today, either Iran or Microsoft or Disney has apparently purchased the air. Sources close to someone say they have done this in order to better position themselves for either the repeal of the incest taboo, or the next wave of "net nostalgia."

"We've pretty much used up not only death and religion and incest," said Steve Ballmer, chairman of Disney, "But also 60's nostalgia and 70's nostalgia and 80's nostalgia and 90's nostalgia. -- So just about the only thing left to be nostalgic about is, I suppose, the so-called 'net.'"

To this end, the NASDAQ or ESPN2 has purchased the Salton Sea and will erect a world-class city there, called either Tokeville or, I forget the other name now, where residents, according to the brochure, will be required by law to "sit around getting drunk on cyber-booze all day and then pass out watching cyber-porn all night, so tourists wearing leisure suits, love beads and kidney piercings will still have something left to come and gawk at since everything else including irony and cynicism and angels and even just being a dickhead, have just been so fucking OVER for so long now, it's hard to remember when they weren't, or when it even still mattered that the were."

Apparently Ballmer or Larry Ellison or Marilyn Manson or somebody will personally strap a 600MHz DEC Alpha Chip running Windows CE on each molecule of air, so they can be programmed to behave as unique individuals, while really being under tight individual control.

"Once we have this control," said Ballmer or King Kong Bundy or Slate, "We can repeal the incest taboo, at will, with a simple upgrade. This is a threat more powerful and devastating than all-out global nuclear and biologic and cyber-war blackmail put together."

According to CNN, if the company in question is Microsoft, then the new product will be called "Microsoft Air." If the company in question is Disney, then the new product will be called "Air by Disney."

By way of explanation, Ballmer or Ellison or Randy "Machoman" Savage, told a little parable:

"The inventor of the sneaker testing machine and the inventor of the rubber testing machine walk into a bar," said Ballmer or Ellison or Savage, "And the guy they sit next to just happens to be the guy who invented the cigarette testing machine. End of story."

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