Wednesday, December 17, 1997
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President Goes All Wacky At Press Conference

Wash, DC - (Dec 17) - According to Matt Drudge or the New York Times or somebody, President Nixon or Johnson, or whoever, held a press conference, yesterday, to announce that he's not a lame fuck, or whatever.

The press conference apparently had to be held in the CIA war room, cause the White House was all filled up with the First Lady's annual obscene Christmas tree ornaments showcase.

The President began the conference by whipping a little vial of the cool new Hong Kong chicken flu out of his shirt pocket.

"As supreme leader of the most powerful nation in the history of the world," he told reporters, "I can pretty much get anything I want, whenever I want it, so as soon as this cool new deadly flu was discovered, yesterday, I had 'em ship me a couplea truckloads."

For a moment the President stopped speaking, apparently to create enough silence so the sound of the doors at the back of the room being locked from the outside, could be heard by everyone.

"Now it's a funny thing about this virus," the President said, as he climbed onto the top of the podium itself, first squatting when he got there and then awkwardly standing up, arms out parallel to the floor, for balance.

"It's a funny thing about this virus," he continued, from atop the wobbly podium, as he removed the rubber stopper from the vial of highly-concentrated deadly virus soup, "It apparently only affects people who write articles about how the President's just a lame fuck."

But at that point, Sam Donaldson or Cokie Roberts or somebody interrupted, "Uhhh, not fuck, Mr. President," he or she called out from the audience, "Duck."

Joe E. Brown

According to ESPN2 or QVC, has-been wunderkind director, Trenton Quarantino's new film, "Joe E. Brown," is NOT an utter fucking piece of shit, at all.

"Trenton Quarantino's new film, 'Joe E. Brown,'" ESPN2 or QVC spokesperson, Rebecca Kramer, told coughing and sneezing reporters on their way out of an apparently "unexpectedly abbreviated" Presidential press conference, today, "Is apparently not at all an utter fucking piece of shit."

According to Kramer, has-been wunderkind director Trenton Quarentino's new film, "Joe. E Brown," is apparently about a 30's or 40's, or whenever, big-mouthed comedian named "Joe" E. Brown.

Apparently, in the film, Joe steals a microwave oven from Robert De Niro, who gets all pissed about it and goes out and blows up a mailbox to even the score.

But apparently, in the mailbox, is a letter from Bridget Fonda to either Peter Fonda or Jane Fonda.

Apparently, if the letter is addressed to Jane Fonda, then it's really secretly a message to Ted Turner. But if it's a letter to Peter Fonda, then it's really a message to either Jack Nicholson or Dennis Hopper.

At that point, football player-turned singer-turned preacher-turned OJ confessor-client-privilege-invoker, Rosy Grier, comes out and, like, lines up as a wide receiver, and then Joe Montana or Steve Young or somebody comes out and lines up at running back.

John Cassavetes is the quarterback. Steve Buscemi is the Special Teams coach.

Then, Trenton Quarantino himself makes an appearance, and squats over the ball, at center.

A forced hush passes through the stands which are filled with the coughing and sneezing and diarrhetic six degrees of separation contacts of today's Presidential press conference reporters, now home vomiting.

QVC or ESPN2 spokesperson Kramer, however, would not reveal any more about the film, especially the surprise ending, which actually comes in the middle. Though she did admit that if the film turned out to be the hopelessly massive bomb it deserved to be, Quarantino still had his ass covered and would simply go join has-been wunderkind director Kevin Smith, in a cushy assistant Manager's job at John Travolta's or Sylvester Stallone's Video Rental Store on Guam.

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