Wednesday, December 18, 1996
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Hitler Saves Christmas

It was definitely looking bad for Christmas. You know Christmas, right? The birthday of the greatest PR guy that ever lived. (Any doubts about that? Just check all the necks in the world. See many wearing Jerry Della Femina logos?)

Anyway, it was looking bad for Christmas. For one thing, Archer Daniels Midland had been busted for, like, pissing in the high fructose corn syrup or something.

You know Archer Daniels Midland, right? They're like the supermarket to the world, an all. They don't really make any food, that you could point to, but, like, scan your nucleic acids some day and if you don't see ADM stamped on half your fucking guanines, then you're probably not really alive and are just, instead, probably some figment of Pol Pot's imagination.

Anyway, Archer Daniels Midland doesn't make any food that you could point to, but what they do make is food additives -- You know food additives, right? That's the stuff they put in processed foods so the amount of rat tail fragments and mouse turds is kept below the 5% level, above which the Bureau Of Alcohol, Food, Drugs, Guns, Drugs, Tobacco, Drugs, and Fireants has determined their presence "may cause gastric distress."

OK, so the price of malto-dextrin carageneen bi-sulphate or something will probably go through the roof as a result of all this. But that's just the beginning of the reason Christmas has to be saved. See, it's starting to look like advertising, besides simply ripping out and chewing up the souls of everyone it touches, also doesn't really, like, move product the way some people claim, or embed fucking brand names in your fucking heart like it's supposed to (maybe cause it already chewed up and spit out that heart -- just to make sure it got out all the cancer, your soul).

(Any doubts about that? Well, I'm not makin' it up. Here's what my intelligent agent told me early this morning:

From: Personal Droids
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 96 04:06:51 -0800
Subject: Dirty Work

Current number: 2
Current assignment: Search creepiest sites on the web for concept: "what are they whining about today?"
Report back with 8 word (max) summary of each article, and 8 word (max) inference drawn from what is blatantly left unsaid in all articles.

Results: There are 3 articles (a summary of each article follows)

[ - 1217]
Advertising Doesn't Work ...
until ... < joke, [ joke]* >

[ - 1217]
Advertising. It Works!

[ - Perspectives-1217]
"Advertising WILL work ... for us ... not you."

Results: There are 2 concepts consciously omitted (the inference drawn from this follows)

"Those who can, do.
Those who can't, advertise."

But just around the time I finished reading the report and started thinking about the, you know, ramifications an all, which certainly would've been the final nail in the coffin of Christmas or, at least, the final closing paren on the LISP program of Christmas, suddenly, before I could think that thought, Hitler rode up on his white charger with all manner of sex object hangin' off his stirrups ... and Christmas was saved!


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F