Friday, December 18, 1998
Livingston Admits To Bein' a Fuckin' Shitbag

Washington, DC - (Dec 18) - With needles breaking off the meters of voice stress analyzers everywhere, Speaker of the House-Elect, Robert Livingston of Louisiana surprised the shit out of his slimy Republican colleagues, yesterday, with the surprising revelation that he too was -- surprise! -- just another lying disingenuous lowlife motherfucking slimeball like everybody else but shouldn't be killed like everybody else should 'cause of, you know, "reasons."

Livingston told the Capitol Hill newspaper Roll Call, "I have decided to inform my colleagues and constituents that during my 33-year marriage to my wife, What's-Her-Name, I have on occasion strayed from my marriage and doing so nearly cost me my bitch and my 3 precious sons, Rod, Dick, and Johnson," he told Roll Call.

In a pointed reference to President Bill Clinton's impeachment trial for sex, drugs, and rock n' roll, pending before the House, Livingston told the newspaper that "even though I may be a motherfucking cocksucking lowlife sack of shit, I am not even half as much of a motherfucking cocksucking lowlife sack of shit, as that lowlife motherfucking cocksucking lowlife sack of shit, the President is."

Livingston went on to say how he thought the President deserved to have his damn cock cut off and stapled to Mount Rushmore, as a warning to future Presidents, "whereas, what I deserve," said Livingston, "is endless praise for being bold and noble and strong and true and coming forward like a man and admitting my transgressions, more than 15 minutes before they were gonna' appear in graphic detail in 'Hustler.'"

The lying, disingenuous, hypocritical, scumbucket Speaker of the House also said that also, unlike the lying, disingenuous, hypocritical, scumbucket President, he never testified under oath that he wasn't a lowlife, lying, hypocritical, disingenuous, scumbucket, sack of shit, like that, you know, lowlife, lying, hypocritical, disingenuous, scumbucket, sack of shit, the President.

A Livingston staff member said Livingston has no plans to stop both fucking and fucking over whoever the fuck he wants, whenever the fuck he wants, however the fuck he wants, and so everybody should just shut the fuck up and mind their own fucking business or else he'd impeach their lowlife, lying, hypocritical, disingenuous, scumbucket, sack of shit asses off.

In a statement released Thursday night, Livingston called his dick, "a small but painful part of his past," and said he sought counseling from a cab driver and asked forgiveness from his family, "wherever the fuck they are."

In an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer just a month ago, Livingston described how much he "wanted to fuck that, you know, bitch, Madonna," and said he was "just a regular, lying, lowlife, hypocritical, disingenuous, sack of shit, like everybody else."

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