Friday, December 20, 1996
Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal anti-sponsors:

You Know Jack, Right?

"I have fought the battle of Antietam and the battle of Camp Cukamunga, and have sweat blood and bullets and frogs and boils and lice for these fucking letters," entertainment industry master-shill, Jack Valenti, told journalists, yesterday, "So I hope you're all fucking happy now, and I can leave this thankless job and get back to babes and booze and, of course, my beautiful family."

Valenti, former butt-boy for mass-murdering, psychopathic, former US President, Lyndon B. Johnson, had just finished laying out his jive-ass list of numbers and letters that constituted the new TV ratings system by which righteous American parents would now be able to keep their sociopathic, psychotic children holy and pure.

"So anybody who doesn't like this ratings system can just go fuck herself," Valenti told an assembly of PTA treasurers and recording secretaries, in the freight elevator of the Washington Hilton, going down.

The system consists of just 2 categories, designed specifically for the, uh, cognitive capacity of the average American parent. Category R, for "Restricted," would be applied to all TV shows containing violent language used during consensual, incestual sodomy accentuated by acts of mutual mutilation. Category C, for "Cool," would be applied to everything else.

Valenti's rating system, which he'd thrown together the night before, while sodomizing his daughter and screaming "you c*cks*ck*ng m*th*rf*ck*r," was met with some skepticism by the many righteous parental groups jammed into the tiny freight elevator.

Valenti, however, quickly got very personal in defense of his system. "I realized something, just last night, while buggering my 20-year old daughter and swearing out loud, he said. "I realized that, if we'd also been mutually mutilating each other, that I definitely wouldn't have wanted our 6-year-old daughter to see it. Not At All!!"

Unsatisfied, and despite threats from Valenti to get all Joe Pesci on their ass if they didn't accept his disingenuous crap, the parental groups called him a "shit-eating slimebucket," and presented their own ratings system -- for which they had, apparently, fought the Battle of Algiers and the Battle of the Bulge, and had sweat buckets of tears and cerebro-spinal fluid.

Much more specific as to content than Pesci's ... uh, Valenti's system, it includes the following categories:

  • AFT, program depicts Anal intercourse on a Freight Train.

  • AFT-ATF, program depicts Anal intercourse on a Freight Train with a consenting member of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.

  • AI-97, program may contain scenes of either Anal Intercourse or Artificial Intelligence, both unsuitable for anyone under 97.

  • BFE, program features a Blowjob on a Freight Elevator.

  • BJ-10, series may exceed 10 BlowJobs per show.

  • BMA, in this program, the incessant call for Blind Materialism, may be Absent. This, uh, material is probably unsuitable for anyone, regardless of age.

  • CS-16, program may depict Capitalism as Sucking a big one. Not suitable for anyone over or under 16.

  • DBJM, show may contain several Double BlowJob-Murders.

  • I-5, show contains scenes of Incest suitable only for children under the age of 5, or scenes of unnameable sex acts performed on Interstate Highway 5, suitable for everyone.

  • ISS, program contains some form of InterSpecies Sex

  • NSMW, program contains No Senseless Mutilation Whatsoever and is, therefore, not suitable for anyone at all.

  • SR, program may contain instances of Sex with Reptiles.

  • US, program is Utterly Stupid at all levels of production and, therefore, well-suited for the whole family.

  • VB, show contains Violent Blowjobs.

  • VB-17, show contains Violent Blowjobs between 17 year olds, or 17 people at a time. Not suitable for anyone 17 years old, but OK for everybody else.

  • VBA, program may contain Violent Blowjobs where at least one participant is an animal, or currently anal copulating with an animal.

According to an industry analyst, "The whole deal may be, like, moot, or something, since, V-chips won't be really available in brand new TV sets until, like, 1998 and, given the 10-15 year life-span of even a cheap TV (and the fact that most families have 2-4 or them), it probably won't be till around, like, 2010 or 2015 (if ever) before most parents even have a fucking V-chip."

And, by then, of course, most of today's violent, foul-mouthed, sex-crazed kids will have grown up and killed their parents and each other and everyone else -- so the V-chip and the TV ratings system won't really be, uh, necessary, now, will they.


Copyright (c) 1996 by C3F