San Juan, Puerto Rico - ( Dec. 23) - Well, like, blah blah blah shit blah blah. Blah blah blah, you know, blah blah, blah m*th*rf*ck blah blah, like, blah blah. Or something. But, who the fuck would have, like, blah blah blah, blah blah? Right?
So, in case you missed it, here are the highlights of the year just passed:
Jan 4 -- Speaker Newt Gingrich quits House in order to start charitable organization, "The TV Ebonics Ministry" -- claims he'll raise billions to teach old fat white guys how to get down with Snoop and Dre.
Jan 15 -- Massive "Tickle Me Elmo" recall begins -- Toy accidentally made with plutonium by handcuffed 5-year olds in Chinese sweat shops (they thought jar said "platinum").
Jan 22 -- "The Spot" sitcom debuts on NBC. Instantly goes to No. 1 in Nielsen ratings.
Feb 13 -- "Seinfeld" and "Friends" dropped from NBC lineup. Replaced by "Ferndale.com 90211" and "East Village.com 90212."
Feb 27 -- Jerry Seinfeld and Jennifer Anniston found dead in drunken-drug-love tryst or something, in supermarket parkinglot.
Mar 3 -- Senate approves constitutional amendment to declare Java the official language of the United States.
Mar 4 -- House amends constitutional amendment to make Ebonics the only official dialect of 100% pure Java.
Mar 15 -- Sales of Sun's "Java Office" software exceeds 25 million units -- mostly to ISP's and the 24.99 million Java Apps-Node Operators, scattered densely throughout the US and Canada, who distribute Java apps to hungry diskless, softwareless NC's, within nanoseconds, or so.
April 10 -- 50 Millionth Network Computer sold. Gateway, Compact, and several hard drive manufacturers fold, as desktop computer becomes totally obsolete.
April 12 -- Microsoft stock loses 90% of value in market bloodbath -- Gates becomes America's leading debtor.
April 13 -- Madonna and Courtney Love share Oscar for creepiest, most repugnant chick in a musical comedy or whatever.
April 14 -- Bob Dole ends the Internal Revenue Service as we know it.
April 19 -- Larry Ellison buys Gates' island mansion for a rumored $50,000 -- and promptly torches it.
April 20 -- Supreme Court rules Communications Decency Act is totally constitutional. FBI arrests millions of sicko online pornographers.
May 5 -- Earthquake wipes out LA.
May 21 -- Wired Buys Disney to create Java animations for the Hotwired website which now generates over US$1 million per day in ad revenues.
May 25 -- Stock market crashes -- most Americans wiped out. People with cash killed to bail out stockbrokers and banks.
June 1 -- US Robotics releases T3 modems, 45Mbps (or whatever) over regular phone lines.
June 15 -- Last TV not equipped for Internet Television is manufactured.
June 17 -- Earthquake wipes out San Francisco.
June 30 -- 22nd Amendment repealed -- number of presidential terms now unlimited. Clinton announces campaign slogan for 2000 will be "Twenty-Four More Years!"
July 1 - Bill Gates found dead in supermarket parkinglot.
July 11 -- Mark Andreessen marries Bianca of Bianca's Smut Shack website. Sight unseen.
August 1 -- Jim Morrison reappears -- claims he was only kidding about death.
August 1 -- stock market crashes again.
August 2 -- Jimmy Hendrix miraculously resurfaces, claims reports of his death were exaggerated
August 3 -- Janis Joplin shows up in Texas -- claims she was only napping after a big meal.
August 4 -- Kurt Cobain resurrected -- sees Larry Flynt movie on video and immediately re-suicides.
August 5 -- Madonna momentarily gets over herself.
August 8 -- Earthquake destroys San Diego.
Sept 5 - Final American home gets internet connection. US now 100% wired.
Sept 6 -- An old can of Campbell's Soup, on my shelf for about 5 years, suddenly reaches its expiration date and explodes, spewing chicken and noodles all over the place.
Sept 9 -- WASPs riot in Newport, RI -- pissed off about not being pissed on.
Oct 9 -- Last dollar bill removed from circulation -- all transactions now done in e-cash.
Oct 11 -- Drug War won. Last 8-year-old smokes last joint on Larry King show
Oct 15 -- Inability of planes to fly without crashing blamed on sudden "instabilities" in the Laws of Physics.
Oct 17 -- California secedes from US, claiming irreconcilable differences.
Oct 20 -- 8-year-olds massacre parents over release of V-chip.
Oct 25 -- Clinton resigns presidency, enters Buddhist monastery.
Oct 27 -- Miscount found in '96 election -- Dole declared winner and promptly inaugurated.
Nov 1 -- The kickboxer that kept going back to Manila to avenge the death of his brother in a rigged, drug-trade-related tae kwan do match, announces his official retirement from vengeance.
Nov 10 -- President Dole signs bill to end all campaign financing. Candidates will now simply call each voter personally, using internet phone, so all future campaigns will cost around $20/month.
Nov 15 -- 1 millionth lobbyist dies of starvation on a golf course.
Nov 17 -- All 50 states approve 27th amendment, making Crystal Meth the official language of the United States.
Nov 25 -- Steven Seagal appointed President by emergency tribunal.
Dec 15 -- US citizens plan work boycott for December 25th, to protest permanent martial law.
Dec 17 -- Canadian, Mexican, and Chinese forces invade US at 3 of 4 borders, in effort to stem North American collapse.
Dec 20 -- President Seagal launches pre-emptive nuclear strike on Minnesota, using rusty old untested nukes.
Well, that's pretty much it. Guess it was a pretty fun and exciting and fun-filled and excitingly fun kinda year. Hope you're all looking forward to '98 as much as we are.
(Sure, it's only the 23rd of December and there's still like 7 or 8 days left to the year, but everybody knows nothing happens during this week -- and, in fact, newspapers traditionally are struggling for any kinda story at all, which is why you see all those fucking creepy Year in Review jobs. Whoops.)
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