Taipei, Formosa - ( Dec. 24) - Shit, is it us, or did '98 just fucking blaze by? Man, seems like '97 was only yesterday, an all that. But despite its speed (and, for that matter, despite its acid, smack, crank, crack, etc.), the year was packed with events, that, like, you know, altered and illuminated our jives.
So, in case you were, like, really stoned for it all, or just had better things to do, here's the highlights of the year you just missed:
Jan 4 -- President Seagal pardons Larry Ellison.
Jan 15 -- Netscape releases Communigator 4.0 beta55.76a -- promises "this time, for sure!!"
Jan 22 -- Canadian troops occupy Michigan, Illinois, and Ohio.
Feb 13 -- Mexican troops occupy Texas, Southern California, and Arizona.
Feb 27 -- Chinese troops sweep through Northern California and Oregon.
Mar 3 -- Oracle changes color of Network Computer (now red) to boost sagging sales.
Mar 4 -- Seagal resigns Presidency -- wants to spend more time reading and thinking.
Mar 15 -- Time-Warner re-designs Pathfinder website.
April 10 -- Canadians use tactical nuclear weapons in Pennsylvania fighting.
Apr 12 -- Human genome project hits snag -- research ends.
Apr 13 -- California refugees flood Nevada -- huge camp established just outside Las Vegas.
Apr 19 -- Netscape re-designs tool bar for beta56 release -- much cooler icons, Andreessen claims.
Apr 20 -- Butthead wins McArthur "Genius" award -- Beavis gets honorable mention.
May 5 -- Apple announces new SunBeNext operating system finally ready for late fall release.
May 21 -- Russia backs China, invades Virginia.
May 25 -- 2 million Georgians commit mass suicide, rather than become prisoners of war.
June 1 -- Microsoft releases spec for PassiveY -- claims over-active web pages are making people sick.
June 15 -- First V-chip-equipped TV is manufactured -- American children now safe from lives of obscene, violent sex.
June 30 -- American refugees riot in Nevada camps -- 1 Million dead.
July 2 -- Time-Warner re-designs Pathfinder website -- nixes merger with Crapfinder
July 7 -- Canada and Mexico merge occupied territories to create Canamex -- all North America under 1 flag, for first time in history.
July 11 -- Mary Tyler Moore named 1st President of Canamex by wartime tribunal.
Aug 1 -- Brain injected serotonin shown to relieve some cases of mild depression.
Aug 1 -- President Moore orders American refugees shot on sight.
Aug 2 -- Netscape releases beta version of new "Reload" icon for Communigator -- it depicts smoke rising from a big, fat joint.
Aug 3 -- Microsoft announces new "Stop Loading" animated icon for Explorer -- shows eggs frying in a pan, w/audio and odorono (TM).
Aug 4 -- President Moore uses dirty, leftover, WWII nukes to quell latest round of Nevada refugee riots.
Aug 8 -- Britain launches biological attack on Portugal in support of former US.
Sept 5 -- Millions of rebels starve to death in Rocky Mountain encampments.
Sept 6 -- Courtney Love wins Nobel Prize for literature.
Sept 12 -- Time-Warner re-designs Pathfinder website -- reconsiders merger with Crapfinder.
Oct 9 -- Bebe Netanyahu briefly considers getting over himself, but decides against it.
Oct 11 -- Canamexican forces crush rebels at battle of East Moline.
Oct 15 -- Nevada nuclear test site given to former Americans, as "permanent homeland." Moore warns border violators will be shot on sight.
Oct 17 -- Java Museum opens in Sunnyvale.
Oct 20 -- Oracle militia joins Canamexican regulars.
Oct 27 -- President Moore declares "Golden Age" of peace and prosperity -- names Dick and Jerry van Dyke, Co-Secretaries of State.
Oct 29 -- Madonna wins Nobel Prize for blow jobs.
Nov 1 -- Sony Guard gets contract to police Canamexican inner cities.
Nov 10 -- New Canamexican flag debuts -- features Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz.
Nov 15 -- Kurt Cobain commits suicide.
Nov 17 -- Courtney Love named ambassador to Saudi Israelia.
Nov 25 -- Netscape announces new color options for floating tool bar.
Dec 12 -- Time-Warner re-designs Pathfinder website -- re-nixes merger with Crapfinder
Dec 15 -- Microsoft releases Passive-AggressiveZ -- claims people are "just fucking weird about what the fuck is it that they want."
Dec 17 -- Moore steps down -- supreme court names Desi Arnaz Jr. 2nd president of Canamex.
Dec 20 -- Peruvian hostages celebrate 2nd anniversary.
Dec 24 -- Time-Warner re-designs Pathfinder website in anticipation of '99: "the year 'The Web' finally takes off."
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