Americans Declare "Fuck Materialism" Day; Launch Nationwide Boycott

Quincy, Mass. - (Dec 25) - In an unprecedented display of solidarity, Americans, today, all across the country, boycotted work and school, to protest the sickening trend towards crass, stupid materialism which now so totally dominates their lives.

Well over 210 million Americans participated in the protest, which has literally brought the nation to a standstill. Most businesses are closed, all schools and colleges are shut down, and most TV stations have been reduced to broadcasting reruns of ancient sanctimonious crap. Movie theaters, to show their support, are running the most wretched turdball films ever, all, specially produced for this day.

"Fuck this shit," said Rebecca Kramer of Swampscot, Mass, essentially echoing the feelings of most of her fellow citizens, "It's, like, the split second you're out of the womb, there's some asshole standing there, just waiting to instill his fucking brand name identity in your still-liquid cranium. You know -- we, like, deserve a break today. Like how about a fucking moratorium on all advertising, for openers. And how about, at least, a few fucking minutes each day when everybody just stops ramming their bullshit down everybody else's throats? Is that too fucking much to ask?"

Today's work stoppage is only the first part of the protest. Tomorrow, Americans all across the nation, will take all their shitty material possessions and bring them the fuck back to the stores they came from, with as much flamboyant screaming and bitching as possible.

On Friday, nationwide riots and demonstrations are scheduled, culminating in the torching of the New York Stock Exchange.

Last night, to kick off the days of protest, large gatherings were held in shopping malls and parkinglots across the country, where crazed, drunken citizens danced around huge bonfires, throwing in all their dollars, yen, marks, and empty material goodies, and chanting the mantra of the new American revolution: "FUCK MONEY! FUCK THE MARKET! FUCK HUMAN NATURE!"

Only the mice weren't stirring.