Wednesday, December 30, 1998
1998: So-Called Top So-Called "Stories"

Vancouver, BC - (Dec 30) - Man, what a year. Civilization apparently totally, you know, ENDED!!!

But here, anyway, are ALL the top stories that made 1998 the year that'll always be remembered by History as the year that started with a 1, ended with an 8, and had a pair of 9s in the middle.

Jan 3: El Nino causes violent fluctuations in stock value of exciting new Y2K-bug portal/e-commerce website stock, Y2KOL. Civilization ENDS!!!

Jan 7: Bill Gates commits suicide. Civilization SAVED!!!

Jan 10: ALL companies buy each other and merge into just ONE BIG FUCKING COMPANY that does EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY works for it. Civilization ABSTAINS!!!

Jan 11: Apple releases ugly, cumbersome, inconvenient, overpriced computer. Civilization saved AGAIN!!!

Jan 12: Leonardo DiCaprio retires. Civilization ENDS!!! This time for sure!!!

Jan 13: White House Intern and Pentagon employee killed in freak DC car crash in White House lap pool. Civilization SAVED!!!

Jan 15: Astronomers discover that so-called "planets" Jupiter, Neptune, Pluto, Venus and Mars don't really exist and never did.

Jan 16: Astronomers confirm Earth is only planet in universe and Jimi Hendrix is its only music.

Jan 17: Astronomy ENDS!!! abruptly.

Jan 18: The doctor finishes his 2-hour examination and says, "Hmmmm, maybe we'd better try this again -- when I'm sober."

Jan 22: Human genome project discovers how it's impossible to hear your brain stop

Jan 23: Speaking of brain stopping, Tom Wolfe finishes new novel: "A Man Full of No Idea Except Re-Typing Midnight In The Garden Of Good and Evil"

Jan 24: It Snows.

Jan 25: It's Cold.

Jan 26: Ooops, it's suddenly warm. Civilization ENDS!!!

Jan 28: Philosophy discovers that -- no matter what -- everything is just a footnote to how could there ever have been anything in the first place, so why bother?

Jan 29: Sociology discovers that, now, instead of the tedious process of steal a car, drive cross country, make everybody there puke, abandon the car with appropriate ID scattered all around, steal a new car, change appearance, drive back cross country, make everybody puke there, steal another car, blah blah blah, on and on -- instead of all that, you just had to put up a website with lots and lots of animated GIFs and then sit back.

Jan 30: Rest of 1998 cancelled due to all remaining months going out on wildcat strike due to everybody being pissed off about not making $25 billion a week like everybody else.

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