Yeltsin Resigns!!!
Needs More Time for Serious Drinking
Saying he needed to do much more serious drinking than he's been doing lately, and that the presidency of Russia was taking too much time away from learning to open frozen Stoli bottles with his teeth, Russian President Boris Yeltsin announced today that he needed much more time to get down to some serious drinking and to stop repeating himself, and would, therefore, resign the Russian presidency effective just moments before all the nuclear missiles aimed at Washington accidentally launch.

Yeltsin Hands Over Nuclear Briefcase to Some Guy Named Vladimir He Met at a Party
Following his resignation today, Boris Yeltsin handed over the so-called "nuclear briefcase" to some guy named Vladimir who he met at a party one night a couplea weeks ago and thought was "not only really cool, but also a good dancer, a good dresser, and didn't get all sloppy and sentimental when drunk on his ass."

The so-called "nuclear briefcase" is a briefcase which the president of Russia always holds in his hand and carries with him wherever he goes and which, if accidentally dropped while staggering around drunk, automatically launches Russia's 10,000 nuclear missiles aimed at small towns all over the rural US in a secret psychological nuclear war to demoralize Americans by eliminating football, rather than people or infrastructure.

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Ironic, Satiric Earthquake Strikes Los Angeles Jan 1
Bending over and lighting a match to see if a gas line has broken in low, dark, partially hidden corners around the home, Los Angelenos all over Los Angeles, tomorrow....

"Ironic" New Year's Quake Still Too Cute By Half, Critics Claim
Apparently critics are already labelling tomorrow's LA New Years Day Y2K Millennial Quake as just too too ironic, and just soooooooooo cliché, and just too too fucking cute by, like, half, if not by, like, 50.001%.

"Sooooooo predictable!" moaned LA Times alcohol tobacco and fireworks critic Rebecca Kramer. "Everybody saw this one coming months ago. A just too fucking contrived, totally ham-fisted Oliver Stone job of an earthquake up the wazoo."

Despite the predicted quake's being predicted to be just such a fucking yawner an' all, it is still predicted that people everywhere will show a tremendous outpouring of support for quake victims, sending them, by next-day Fed Ex, all their unused flashlights, generators, hand crank radios, snake bite kits, and long-past expiration cans of Campbell Chicken Noodle Soup with nano-microscopic flecks of carrot just now starting to ooze out through the seams.

INTERNATIONAL
Accidentally confused Jan 1 with April 1, Yeltsin claims -- resignation just a joke

E-COMMERCE
Amazon gives 50% off on popular Samsonite "nuclear briefcase" in honor of Nelson resignation.

ENTERTAINMENT
Ozzie, Harriet, David and Rickey bemoan unexpected Nelson resignation

NATIONAL
Clinton says Nelson underrated. Could have been as big as REO Speedwagon or Iron Butterfly.