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Please boycott (and/or smash!) our loyal
anti-sponsors:
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Publishers' Weakly
Be$t $eller$ Li$t
Week of: May 18, 1998
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1
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"D" is for DNA
by Sue Grapho-phonemics,
Seagrams Books 'n Booze, $28.73.
A young couple wakes up to find that DNA only existed
"in their dreams," and so now they're stuck in a
crappy world that doesn't even understand the fucking
molecular basis of life, anymore. So, like, why even
bother?
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2
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Red, Green and Blue
by Anna Noodlin,
Madonna's Gynecologist Books, $28.73.
An author writes a book about an author writing a book
about an author writing a book about an author with
writer's block, then goes out and shoots up a McDonald's
or Howard Johnson's or something. Then, in prison, she
invents the RGB color system and saves the world
economy.
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3
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Some Lawyer Kinda Thing or Other
by John Grisham,
HarperShmarper, $28.73.
A lawyer draws
up a contract, then draws up another contract, then
makes a phone call, but the call is blocked cause the
lawyer has his caller ID blocking on and the line of the
person he's calling won't even ring if caller ID info on
the incoming call is blocked -- so it's a stalemate and
everybody just has to commit suicide or
something.
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4
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"M" is for MTV
by Sue Slapshot,
Madonna's Baby Publishing, $28.73.
A so
called "gen-Xer" watches MTV for 24 hours, then eats a
hard-boiled egg.
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5
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"W" Is For Why Don't You All Just Go Blow Yourselves?
by Sue Peesacrapton,,
Stolichniya Publishing, $28.73.
A
"mystery writer," approaching the end of the alphabet,
realizes that "mysteries are for morons," and turns
sullen, bitter and vindictive, and ends up eating
nothing but ice cream.
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6
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Pander Dora
by Anna Fried Rice,
Smirnoff Entertainment, $28.73.
A
vampire book writer, approaching the end of stupidity,
realizes that "vampire books are for morons," and turns
sullen, bitter and vindictive, and ends up eating
nothing but ice cream.
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7
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That Damn Ass Gates!
by Robert Hioncrack,
Scribblers, $28.73.
A has-been author
keeps writing the same book over and over again, but
can't keep coming up with new titles each time and
blames it all on the richest (but most spiritually,
emotionally, and intellectually impoverished) man
alive.
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8
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Midnight Basketball in the Garden of Good and Evil
by Oprah Winfrey with Samuel Beckett,
HarperBudweiser, $28.73.
Even though
it's midnight, a couplea so-called "Gen-Xers" get sick
and tired of watching MTV, and go play midnight
basketball in the so-called "garden of good and evil,"
rather than going out and robbing and killing hapless
boomers and Gen-Yers.
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9
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"A" is for Another Crappy Detective Novel By Sue Grafton
by Sue Grafton's gynecologist,
HarperMiller, $28.73.
The true story of
how the author of many crappy detective novels produces
yet another crappy detective novel.
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10
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Spitting At Heaven
by James van Blaagh,
HarperAbsolut, $28.73.
A so-called
"Gen-Xer" watches MTV for 24 hours, then lies on his
back and tries to hock a logie that travels to the end
of time.
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11
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Cokie Robert's Ashes
by Frank McCourtTV,
HarperTomCollins, $28.73.
The most
boring, most mediocre so-called "journalist" ever named
after the moron's drug-of-choice, is torched by a
drunken has-been Irish "author" who's not only
over-stayed his welcome on best-sellers lists and talk
shows, but is now trying to bring the rest of his whole
fucking loser family in on the deal, as well.
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12
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Hey, I Thought "N" Was For Ntomology (Sic), But I Was
Wrong
by Sue Grafton,
HarperCrack, $28.73
A couple wakes up
to find their hit novel, "Dial 'N' For Entomology," is
being made into a film titled, against their wishes,
"Dial 'S' For Eschatology," and, to balance off the
karma of this, they help a has-been "detective novelist"
realize that not only her life's work, but also her
whole life itself, has been nothing but a fucking,
self-righteous lie.
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13
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Cold Mountain
by Colin Harpers,
HarperSmack, $28.73.
A buncha so-called
"Gen-Xers" gets sick of watching MTV, making cold calls,
and cold-cocking each other, so they go climb a cold
mountain, but then kill each other in cold blood when they get
cold feet (cause they forgot to bring the heroin and would have to go cold
turkey).
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14
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Memoirs of an MTV Boomer
by Irving LeJohn,
HarperCrank, $28.73.
A so-called
"boomer" gets sick and tired of sitting around thinking
about getting sick and retiring, so he goes out and
meets a so-called "gen-Xer" and learns to sit around
watching MTV.
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15
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Pissing At Heaven,
by Daniel Petrocelli
HarperCrystalMeth, $28.73.
A has-been
trial lawyer discusses, in detail, the minutiae of petty
mundane problems that prevented him from cashing in on
the OJ book deal craze any sooner than this.
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