Will Dole Drop Out? - Yes!
Will Clinton Drop Out? - Yes!
Will Perot Drop Acid? -- No!
By Umberto Umberto
(9596 words; posted Sept. 24, 1996; to be read Sept.
Despite a record post-convention bounce that raised not
only his numbers but, more significantly, his spirits,
Bob Dole, according to insiders, appears to be
back in the sour mood he was in before the convention,
thus sparking, once more, the speculation that he could
drop out of the race "any day now." At the same time,
rumors persist that Jack Kemp is already in the process
of choosing his VP running mate from a pool of
well-qualified Black Jewish-Hispanic Lesbians, and plans
to run this ticket to the far left of Clinton.
One source, formerly with the campaign but now at the
Washington Times, blames Dole's renewed
despondency, to a large degree, on the unexpected
collapse in July, of a carefully thought-out strategy.
ccording to this source, Dole was planning to chose
Congressman Sonny Bono as his running mate and bill
himself as the "Reunion President," promising a huge
Sonny and Cher reunion concert to kick off his
presidency, followed, almost immediately, by an endless
string of reunion concerts by major supergroups like the
Benny Goodman Orchestra, the Andrews Sisters, the Four
Freshmen, Jane's Addiction, and Bread, to name just a
few. The idea was that this new Golden Age of Reunions,
of old groups coming back together, would, in turn,
bring the people of the nation back together again, like
one big national supergroup getting together again for
one more last jam session and reunion tour and double
Unfortunately, the idea had to be scrapped just minutes
before the official announcement was made, when Cher
suddenly backed out because, in her words, "Sonny's just
being a major fucking asshole to me."
he Clinton campaign, meanwhile, had its own problems, as
reports kept surfacing of children all over the country
coming forward and claiming Bill Clinton as their
biological father. Behind closed doors, Republicans
were rumored to be putting together legislation to force
the President to undergo testing that would determine
the merit of the charges, but so far, none of the
accusers has brought forth any compelling evidence of
Clinton's guilt. According to our source, Republican
analysts believe Clinton is on a personal crusade to
procreate hundreds of thousands of fatherless children,
in order to necessitate massive new social programs,
thus creating new excuses for more massive new taxes,
and allowing him to create a huge new government
bureaucracy, dedicated to the singled-minded goal of
tracking him down 100,000 different times, and making
him pay 100,000 different child support settlements.
n the Perot camp, sources tell us that Ross is extremely
disappointed that his choice of Madonna as a running
mate hasn't raised any noticeable support from young
voters. Apparently Ross's advisors failed to
mention that, despite her saturation media attention,
Madonna's actual fans tend to fall between the ages of 8
and 12 and, though certainly young, they are in
most cases barely halfway to being voters.