How to not read STALL.
How to understand the concept of printing STALL out.
How to get a free browser.
How to navigate.
How to cancel your online service.
As most internet pros know by now, you're not
supposed to read anything on the web. The
web is about clicking, downloading, saving, and then
sending a nasty email when one or more of these doesn't
Even total newcomers seem to sense this intuitively -- so most of you haven't even gotten to this point in the text and aren't reading this, and if you are, you're probably just about ready to .... stop .... right ...... HERE.
The old fashioned ways work just fine. First, spend a
lot of time clicking around. We've got links
everywhere. You can spend hours just playing with our
navigation bars. Move sequentially through the zine, or
randomly access any feature directly from the bottom of
OK. Now that an hour's gone by (at 5 minutes loading time per page, you can get a lot of real work done while you're waiting) and you've got all these fat pages stacked up in your browser cache, page back through them and decide which ones to save for later reading offline.
Whoops, "Application Error: NETSCAPE caused Segment Load Failure in module KRNL386.EXE AT 0001:0D65 -- CLOSE." Oh well you can always come back tomorrow and grab the pages you wanted to read, now that you know what they are.
A great way to not read Stall is to print it out.
First, there's a great feeling of accomplishment in
this, without even reading a word. And, second, you're
now a step closer to reading it, which brings with it,
an additional burst of positive neuro-stuff. But of
course, after all that work of printing the thing and
folding it, you'll wanna take a break, so put it aside
for a moment. How about on top of that pile of unread
For a free browser, uhhhh, like why not just turn around
-- odds are somebody's standing there right now, trying
to force a FREE BROWSER down your throat. I
mean, people don't come up to you on the street and ask
for a quarter to buy food, anymore. They come up to you
and say, please take this free browser and 30 days of
free service so I can sleep tonight. And if you don't
take it, they call you obscene names you've never heard
before, and threaten your life, and the lives of your
family and friends and the lives of all the people in
the town you live in.
Well, now that you've got your fucking Netscape
"Navigator," you gotta navigate something. Right? So
we highly recommend you just like click on anything --
anything at all -- and, then, you'll wind up someplace
else, anyplace else at all. Now just keep clicking till
you wind up someplace you really don't wanna be. Now
stop and try to figure out why you don't wanna be
there. This will help you reach a greater, deeper
understanding of yourself, which, is of course, a far
greater end than reading some overblown, ill-considered
"article" on some itsy-bitsy irrelevant topic.
Call them up and say, "Hey, cancel my fucking service,
because the web is such a bogus load of hype and no
matter how many tom fucking brokaws you put on it, has
nothing, absolutely nothing of any lasting substance for
anybody. This show is simply not ready for prime time
and won't be for 5 or 10 years at the earliest and I'm
sick of all the pollyana disingenuous media hype trying
to pretend otherwise. Thank you."
And Tell 'em Klaus sent you.
Sorry to see you leave so soon.
If you have praise or would like to impress us with how fucking smart your are, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you think we're an utter piece of shit at all levels, or are having technical problems, please email email@example.com.