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The Ho's Race charts who the biggest ho' is this
week using 3 demographic groups: 1) pissed-off people
(we use primarily the AOL/Microsoft list of
pissed-off people determined by clandestine scans of
their hard drives while connected online); 2) bummed
out people; 3) raving psychopaths (who, time after time,
have been shown to "know best" -- their judgments are
justified and analyzed below.)
The Survey of Raving Psychopaths is a project of the
Sonny and Cher College of Business Administration. These
are real psychopaths, with real psychoses and neuroses,
and would blow your head, clean off. We follow them
through their daily routine and interpret their minor
quirks as tip-offs to cosmic events just down the road.
The thesis of this survey is that not only is politics
bullshit, and not only does everybody know it's
bullshit, but, further, everybody knows that everybody
knows and so everybody's just pretending so they can
have something to care about in between sex and drugs
and cosmic insights.
Though, of course, there's still always the sloppy
spectacle of the Indy-500/WWF clash of titan egos at the
end of the show, to bring hearts and minds through the
turnstiles.
But, you be the judge. For more information, or to
invest, visit the Psychopathic
Research Associates site.
Starting soon, "The Ho's Race" will also include the
opinions of people who "just don't give a shit."
NOTE: Because we are dealing with psychopaths and
pissed-off and bummed-out people here, the votes just
don't add up. Rest assured that our crack team of
statisticians (or our team of statisticians on crack, I
forget which) are working round the clock to see that 1
+ 1 + 1 equals 3 again, as quickly as possible.
In the meantime, please feel free to blow yourselves.
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Pissed-Off People, 9/20/96
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On Acid
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On Speed | |
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Dole |
Clinton |
Dole |
Clinton | |
| Drunk |
43.6% |
53.3% |
36.1% |
58.7% |
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| On the Wagon |
41.9% |
53.7% |
31.1% |
64.5% |
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Bummed Out People on Crack
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Clinton: 65%, up 6 points from last week
Dole: 32%, down 4 points from last week
Perot: 2%, no change
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 he graphs above show that the race only gets
more blurred each week, and pretty much nobody can tell
who the biggest ho' is, not even psychopaths.
But one thing is clear. Dole does significantly better
with pissed-off voters on Acid than he does with
pissed-off voters on speed. Obviously, the Republicans
need to make a major effort to get everyone (especially
automatic weapons owners) to wake up and drop Acid first
thing, on election day. Who knows, offering free rides
to the polls in Ken Kesey's Merry Prankster bus, and
providing free, uhhh, Kool Aid, along the way, might
just be enough to tip the vote in Dole's favor.
-- Woody Harrelson & Woody Allen
Woody Harrelson & Woody Allen co-founded and
edited The New Republic, and are the co-authors
of a forthcoming book, "That Abortion, Politics."
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