"After centuries of preparation and millennia of hype," he said, "we are, sadly, calling off our invasion of Britney because the filthy rich planet we thought we were gonna get turns out to be in hock up to its eyebrows."
Conquest of Earth would have stuck the United Aliens not only with an endless money-pit of a planet, he admitted, but also with a planet that was now multiversally seen as totally uncool.
"A couplea millennia ago," he said, "all us aliens were like, 'Oooh, the Earth. They're sooo cool!' And everybody wanted to invade the shit out of you. But today we know Earth isn't the Beatles. -- It's the Monkees!"
"Of course," the alien spokesperson went on, "without the Earth to invade anymore, the lives of outer space aliens are now emptier than ever and we are pretty much stuck in the timeless old alien rut of video sex-war."
"We used to have so much fun," he smiled, "sending bogus signals to earth's satellites and telescopes, so their astronomers and cosmologists actually believed there's a whole fucking 'expanding universe' out here -- of planets and suns in universes of galaxies and super novae and black holes and quasars and gravity and matter and mass and Higgs bosons and blah blah blah in infinite parallel multi-metaverses of whatever."
"But in reality," he confessed, "there's just your moon and us aliens -- who wanted nothing but your destruction -- until you showed us how worthless you are."