ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE
CATCH THE COOL FINAL DAYS OF MAN EARTH = WASTE MY TIME!
Now that human nature has turned Earth into a total piece of shit, aliens are rightfully pissed over the eons they've wasted preparing their now cancelled invasion of us.
 
  Aliens Call Off Invasion Of
Worthless Piece Of Shit Earth World Economic Collapse SAVES THE WORLD! A spokesman for the Union of Outer Space Aliens told reporters today that his group is calling off its long-planned and much anticipated invasion of the planet we call Earth and they call Britney.

"After centuries of preparation and millennia of hype," he said, "we are, sadly, calling off our invasion of Britney because the filthy rich planet we thought we were gonna get turns out to be in hock up to its eyebrows."

Conquest of Earth would have stuck the United Aliens not only with an endless money-pit of a planet, he admitted, but also with a planet that was now multiversally seen as totally uncool.

"A couplea millennia ago," he said, "all us aliens were like, 'Oooh, the Earth. They're sooo cool!' And everybody wanted to invade the shit out of you. But today we know Earth isn't the Beatles. -- It's the Monkees!"

"Of course," the alien spokesperson went on, "without the Earth to invade anymore, the lives of outer space aliens are now emptier than ever and we are pretty much stuck in the timeless old alien rut of video sex-war."

"We used to have so much fun," he smiled, "sending bogus signals to earth's satellites and telescopes, so their astronomers and cosmologists actually believed there's a whole fucking 'expanding universe' out here -- of planets and suns in universes of galaxies and super novae and black holes and quasars and gravity and matter and mass and Higgs bosons and blah blah blah in infinite parallel multi-metaverses of whatever."

"But in reality," he confessed, "there's just your moon and us aliens -- who wanted nothing but your destruction -- until you showed us how worthless you are." Buy My Fucking Book!!

 
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