NO MORE F-ING DRUG NAMES?
Having used up all possible creepy names on earth, the drug companies looked like they'd have to face the same fucking end of the world as everybody else, until..."We needed a name for our next blockbuster drug," said Pfizer president Seymour Glass. "It's a drug that has massive demand potential and could save millions of lives every year because it makes erections that have lasted more than 3 hours not last 4, so a doctor doesn't need to be called in to REALLY fuck things up.
"But," the president went on to explain, "when we fed the information about the new drug into our vast network of supercomputers, and asked for a name for it, the computers just churned for hours, eventually overheating and burning down the rooms they were in."
Pfizer, however, a company that never gives up no matter what, simply farmed the project out to Google's Cloud Computing thingy, but after Google's cloud exploded, some researchers at the Large Hadron Collider with lots of time on their hands since their piece of shit collider will never be allowed to actually function since if it does, it'll fail to find the Higgs Boson proving theoretical physics to be a total utter fucking fairy tale, did some long division and determined that the super computers and clouds are blowing up because there are ABSOLUTELY NO MORE creepy names left for the next new worthless piece of shit drug company drug.
Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed at Pfizer and throughout the industry, and at a meeting concluded just moments ago, the drug companies agreed to name all future drugs with the same totally cool name: "Just Shut the Fuck Up and Swallow, Ya Fuckin' Sicko Loser".
"Ultimately," said Glass, "it doesn't really matter WHAT drug you take. They're all made with interlocking side effects so, if you want to think you feel normal, you'll have to fucking take them ALL."
THE
3.30.09
DRUGS
3.3.09
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