GREEN-LIGHTING THE APOCALYPSEThe swine flu pandemic may not mean much to you and me, but if the world ends in 2011, the film '2012' will be stuck on the wrong end of a sawed-off Hollywood gangplank.
"Our majestic paean to the world being saved from apocalypse yet again by a few super-cool (but flawed and/or nerdy) dudes, now suddenly rings false and hollow," 2012 writer/director Roland Emmerich was overheard saying to himself by his bedroom Google-Cam®.
To try to salvage the film from the box office suicide of being about saving a world that already ended a year ago, the production team has spent 20-hour days re-writing, re-editing and even re-shooting. To date, the following changes have been finalized:
1. The "sprawling tale of conspiracy, politics and ideology" has been modified somewhat to now be a sprawling tale of 360 degree pans of a man in a room sweating, puking and occasionally raising his fist to the frenetic camera and swearing: "Damn YOU, Swine Flu Pandemic!!" 2. Hundreds of hours of breathtaking and mystical Himalayan footage shot at great risk using expensive advanced techniques in cinematography, aviation and survival, are now seen only in an email on the main character's 3-inch iPhone screen. But then, when he pukes on it, the cosmic implications are so heavy that the audience will puke too. Bring a bucket.
3. The "larger-than-life characters whose growth over the course of the (film) interweave seamless with the plot" have been re-dubbed, re-edited, and re-scored so their "growth" now goes from being losers without swine flu, to being winners who also, unfortunately, vomit up their inner organs as they speak.
4. The film's exploration of "the apocalyptic realm through... science and art" and its "bold exploration of the human spirit" has been replaced by a bold, apocalyptic digitally-enhanced exploration of explosive diarrhea, played at half-speed over the opening and closing credits.
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