Can everything really not have to suck? Are there other universes where evolution works differently? Are we stuck with a lame evolution that only gets 1 star on a scale of 5?

Well, today, most likely in an effort to prove he's the good kind of psycho, not the bad kind of psycho, he single-handedly passed the Free Guns For Everybody Act of 2012, which, as the name implies, will provide Free Guns to all people of all ages, races, nationalities and genders, any place, any time, no questions asked.

And, despite being accused of it often because of his many Nobel Prizes and Grammys, he was able to get this act passed without knowing a single thing about politics or having a single connection to anyone anywhere. He simply stated his case and it democratically rose to the top of the heap or ant hill known as the wisdom of crowds.

"If you give everybody free guns," he'd argued persuasively to packed houses across the country in town after town, city after city, "then everybody will solve the problem of everybody else, themselves."

And the people in the packed rooms usually broke into wild applause and smashed their chairs against the walls in agreement.

"Our real enemy," he argued, once they quieted down again, "is evolution. Not whether it exists or not. But whether it sucks or not. And it does. Yeah!"

"But is it possible for evolution not to suck?" someone from the audience would always ask. "And are the stories about other universes where evolution doesn't suck, just urban myth?"

"And that's exactly why we have to give free guns to everybody," he always responded -- which only made everybody agree even more, but now they had nothing left to smash against the walls except themselves, so, instead, they formed angry mobs and forced World Congress to pass his either totally cool or totally moronic free guns for everybody bill. ACTUARIAL SMACKTUARIAL

Sometimes peace of mind is only found in a small piece of the mind. Unfortunately it's the same one that expects tiny TVs to be emitted when you smash huge TVs together.

Because with an AIG/Blue "End of the Whole Fucking World Insurance Policy", if the whole world totally ends tomorrow, you're 100% covered and, by the day after tomorrow, Jake Gyylleennhhaall will show up at your door to personally hand you a check for the full value of your worthless life.

But what happens if the world only partially ends?

OK. So say you're into doing totally infantile things both in life and on your college radio show. Say you're totally into playing and totally into screwing up. Screwing up is much more fun for you than not screwing up, any day.

But inside, and partially sometimes showing on the outside, there's this serious manipulator. She doesn't want something if you give it to her, she only really wants it if she can take it away from somebody else.

So when the world partially ends, say only the infantile part of you ends, but without that, only the manipulator in you is left, so now you're just a wretch.

At this point, AIG/Blue Cross would come in and somehow restore the part of the world that is over for you -- though the restoration might include massive doses of not yet fully tested medications and involuntary confinement in rigorously controlled environments.

Then, when the deprivation and meds finally trick your brain scan into looking the way it did before the world ended, the treatment regimen is locked down, and your insurance claim against the end of the world is marked PAID IN FULL!, and you can return to leading the normal life of a post-apocalyptic zombie. LARGEST HADRON COLLIDER COVERUP EVER

The LHC, the biggest fucking hadron collider in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, has apparently covered up results that would end physics.

But apparently, rather than reveal this finding and make all physics look totally ridiculous, the Union of Concerned Physicists chose to pretend that some asshole had been fucking around with the LHC and had totally broken it to the point where it wouldn't be in working condition until some future date which would never come.

The Higgs Boson is a hypothetical particle and major component of the so-called Higgs field which is responsible for giving mass to the fundamental particles of matter (like protons and neutrons). Simply stated this means that if the hypothetical Higgs Boson doesn't really exist, then there's no such thing as mass. And if there's no such thing as mass, then there's no such thing as matter. Which means that not only has physics always been wrong about everything, but also that nothing really exists including YOU -- or, at best, you and everything else are just pure information, which itself is just a purely relative measure of abstract relations.

Despite several lame attempts to come up with some other bogus particle or principle that will make mass and matter exist again, modern theoretical physics is now pretty much in the stage of mourning that includes packing up your bags, turning out the lights, and closing the door behind you.

"You could say." said a former popular theoretical physicist, "that theoretical physics is sort of up its ass. But that would be wrong -- because according to what the LHC's telling us, there's no such thing as ass." SPECIES GAME CHANGER FROM NINTENDO?

Nintendo shocked the world today, announcing a new peripheral for its Nintendo Wii that may impact the future of man more than anything ever invented or, uh, conceived.

The door locked
The door locked
We don't talk
We sleep now

I hold you
I hold the sound
We sleep now

It's safe now
We can move
The world is over
The world is over

It's early still
The sun is cold
The world is over
The world is over

I hold you
I hold the sound
I hold the sound

We walk now
We can breathe
The world is flat
The sky is round

It's early still
The moon is cold
We walk now
We walk alone

I hold you
I hold the sound
I hold the sound
Dear Tadanobu

Thanks for hanging around to turn out the lights when it's all over.

And say hi and bye to Pen-Ek for me. SOL
UTIO
NS! LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
Title: LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
        (Ruang rak noi nid mahasan)
Date: 2003
Time: 112 minutes
Director: Pen-Ek Ratanaruang
Cast:
  Tadanobu Asano ... Kenji
  Sinitta Boonyasak ... Noi
  Laila Boonyasak ... Nid
  Yutaka Matsushige ... Yukio
  Riki Takeuchi ... Takashi
  Takashi Miike ... Yakuza
  Yoji Tanaka ... Yakuza
  Sakichi Satô ... Yakuza
  Thiti Rhumorn ... Jon
  Junko Nakazawa ... Librarian
  Akiko Anraku ... Japanese Housewife
  Nortioshi Urano ... Salaryman
  Phimchanok Nala Dube ... Girl in Apt
  Ampon Rattanawong ... Jon's Underling
  Jakrarin Sanitti ... Jon's Underling

ACID

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1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.

2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.