ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE
EARTH = WASTE MY TIME!
Now that human nature has turned Earth into a total piece of shit,
aliens are rightfully pissed over the eons they've wasted preparing their now cancelled invasion of us.
Aliens Call Off Invasion Of
Worthless Piece Of Shit Earth Global Economic Collapse SAVES THE WORLD! A spokesman for the Union of Outer Space Aliens told reporters today that his group is calling off its long-planned and much anticipated invasion of the planet we call Earth and they call Britney.
"After centuries of preparation and millennia of hype," he said, "we are, sadly, calling off our invasion of Britney because the filthy rich planet we thought we were gonna get turns out to be in hock up to its eyebrows."
Conquest of Earth would have stuck the United Aliens not only with an endless money-pit of a planet, he admitted, but also with a planet that was now multiversally seen as totally uncool.
"A couplea millennia ago," he said, "all us aliens were like, 'Oooh, the Earth. They're sooo cool!' And everybody wanted to invade the shit out of you. But today we know Earth isn't the Beatles. -- It's the Monkees!"
"Of course," the alien spokesperson went on, "without the Earth to invade anymore, the lives of outer space aliens are now emptier than ever and we are pretty much stuck in the timeless old alien rut of video sex-war."
"We used to have so much fun," he smiled, "sending bogus signals to earth's satellites and telescopes, so their astronomers and cosmologists actually believed there's a whole fucking 'expanding universe' out here -- of planets and suns in universes of galaxies and super novae and black holes and quasars and gravity and matter and mass and Higgs bosons and blah blah blah in infinite parallel multi-metaverses of whatever."
"But in reality," he confessed, "there's just your moon and us aliens -- who wanted nothing but your destruction -- until you showed us how worthless you are."
NO MO' JO'
Starbucks unexpectedly called it quits today, leaving millions of customers high and dry without millions of convenient locations to go get conveniently ripped off at.
Starbucks Folds! Millions Suddenly
Unable To Speak, Think, Or Feel Trite Zombie Films Now Tru-Life Documentaries Like the body is constantly expelling things (e.g. sweat, urine, dreams), civilization today expelled the Starbucks chain of coffee shops.
Starbucks was best known for my never having ever gone into one, despite the fact that (or because of the fact that) nearly everyone else on earth had. Unfortunately all those people, with the sudden disappearance of Starbucks, are now reduced back to being the unthinking, unspeaking unfeeling, zombies they were before Starbucks first opened its doors 30 years ago.
Already, many can be seen pacing in circles in parking lots, dragging their now useless laptops across the gravel behind them on leashes like dogs, and otherwise rerunning the tired tropes of every tired zombie film -- from the DIY zombie films of antiquity, to the cloying zombie films of today.
Earlier in the week, the now dead coffee shop chain attempted to not die by purchasing the failing Bank of America money blowing chain with the intention of using its former ATM locations as convenient dispensers for cheap instant coffee to help keep marauding bands of marauders moving on to the next county, not stopping in ours to exterminate us and ravage our orange tree.
Following the Starbucks announcement that they were not only NOT buying Bank of America, but also folding, World Government 2.61 announced it would purchase all the 100 million former Starbucks locations to be used "as convenient Euthanasia centers, because death is clearly the only thing left that we can still reliably do for the people."
THE POPE CAN BLOW ME.
The new "Dolly Llama", trying to make religion relevant again, has re-purposed and re-branded his name and is calling out the Pope for his calling everybody douchebags.
Great Religions Totally Lose It!
Love, Charity: Out; Kicking Ass: In Popes 'n Ayatollahs All Like, "Hey! Douchebag!" The end of the world has not been kind to the world's great religions, but now the world's great religions are fighting back.
At first, when the end of the world began, the world's great religions were all like, "See, I told you so, yah buncha ignorant losers!" and trying to get credit for calling one right. But this got old fast, and soon everybody was all like 'Yeah, but what have you done for me lately, world's great religions?"
To which the world's great religions had the same response as the world's great sciences and governments and medical practitioners: "Just give us all your money and come back in 5 years. And, in the meantime, just shut the fuck up and take it."
But then religion had a vision. Actually, religion had a TELE-vision.
And in this Tele-vision, university-built robots successfully used smashing the fuck out of each other in public contests to gain attention for the otherwise boring results of gazillions of nerd-hours.
So, whether calling each other douchebags, or threatening to take a steaming dump on each other's holy sacraments, the religious leaders of the world are back with a vengeance, and they're doing unto each other in ways that would make Hitler, Caligula, and Reagan blush.
Because in the end, the Great Religion's of the World will not be denied it/their long held and rightful seat at the table of the exciting history of the end of the whole damn fucking world.
STIMULUS PACKAGE UNVEILED
With no economy left to stimulate, World Government 4.2 will now turn to directly stimulating the so-called people -- you know, where they so-called "live".
Ron Jeremy Appointed Sec-
Retary of Stimulus Packages Swears Universal Free Dildoes Will Work! Having failed 19 times to stimulate the economy so now there is no economy left, World Government 4.2 has finally decided to seek professional help.
It's appointed beloved aging porn star Ron Jeremy to be Secretary of Stimulus Packages -- a cabinet post created just for him, in the hopes that he can work his porno magic on the ailing economy through maybe, you know, some kinda back door thing, or wherever.
Looking a little obviously wasted from obviously all that constant porno sex, Jeremy spoke before a joint session of World Congress 6.3 and immediately put forward his bold new stimulus package: poison-tipped, brightly colored translucent dildoes.
"Poison-tipped, brightly-colored translucent dildoes distributed to every man woman and child on earth free of charge at a deeply discounted cost of 1.3 trillion dollars to World Government 4.2," he told world Congress 6.3, "will allow the people of the earth to now look the end of the world straight in the eye with their anuses and say, Up Yours, end of the world."
"Because," he continued, "by sticking these dildoes deep up their asses and dying with big sick smiles on their faces, the people of the earth will be literally telling the end of the world that they're still in control of their own lives and that the end of the world, no matter how many cataclysms and catastrophes and apocalypses it throws at them, can't have their immortal souls.
"And," he concluded, "you can take it from me, aging porn star Ron Jeremy -- I have never seen a dildo fail -- and so I can promise you, we will all die with our human dignity intact -- regardless of whether or not the end of the world even gives a shit." NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEST RECIPE FOR DIRT AWARDED:   Amidst the usual charges of being totally political and being totally rigged, this year's Nobel Prize for Best Recipe for Dirt has been awarded to Andy-Warhol-Impersonator, Brandy Warhol... The Nobel Prize for Best Recipe for Dirt, especially in these difficult times of global economic collapse and total societal meltdown, has come to be even more cherished than the Nobel Prize for Peace -- because, without tasty ways to eat dirt, there could be no peace -- not that there's peace now or anything, but, uhh, you know, there's probably less no peace because crazy people are otherwise occupied with tasty Nobel Prize-winning ways to eat dirt.... Brandy's Nobel Prize-winning Best Recipe For Dirt will now be placed in the public domain for everyone to enjoy, and goes as follows: Ingredients: Dirt, bugs, water (if any). Place dirt in bowl (if any). Crush bugs on rock using another rock. Add bugs to dirt. Stir with branch (if available) or finger (if any). Add water for flavor (optional). Heat over medium fire until silicon in dirt melts and starts to shine. Eat immediately before silicon solidifies into glass.... ium fire until silicon in dirt melts and starts to shine. Eat immediately before silicon solidifies into glass. NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEST RECIPE FOR DIRT AWARDED:   Amidst the usual charges of being totally political and being totally rigged, this year's Nobel Prize for Best Recipe for Dirt has been awarded to Andy-Warhol-Impersonator, Brandy Warhol... The Nobel Prize for Best Recipe for Dirt, especially in these difficult times of global economic collapse and total societal meltdown, has come to be even more cherished than the Nobel Prize for Peace -- because, without tasty ways to eat dirt, there could be no peace -- not that there's peace now or anything, but, uhh, you know, there's probably less no peace because crazy people are otherwise occupied with tasty Nobel Prize-winning ways to eat dirt.... Brandy's Nobel Prize-winning Best Recipe For Dirt will now be placed in the public domain for everyone to enjoy, and goes as follows: Ingredients: Dirt, bugs, water (if any). Place dirt in bowl (if any). Crush bugs on rock using another rock. Add bugs to dirt. Stir with branch (if available) or finger (if any). Add water for flavor (optional). Heat over medium fire until silicon in dirt melts and starts to shine. Eat immediately before silicon solidifies into glass....
Adult "role models" just said, "Don't be so damn selfish all the time," and told me to volunteer my youthful and therefore creepy energy to some bogus non-profit org that their close personal friend makes $1.5M running. "They badly need fresh faces to wear their organization's tee shirts with their logo and colors, and be out posing for pictures pretending to give a shit about all the starving dying people," they said.
Popular self-help books only told me the kind of thing everybody already knows: a picture of Steve Forbes with the caption: "Whatever this asshole says, do the opposite." Or a picture of Lawrence Kudlow saying, "If you didn't do the diametric opposite of everything this slimeball said, then you deserve what you got."
I even toyed with a religion that teaches you to always be honest and honorable and to build up great trust -- until, at Christmas, they told us why: "So that one day, you can royally rip EVERYBODY the fuck off -- for everything. Screw everybody real good."
But, in the end, there's really only one solution where you don't wind up in a room full of kidnapped 3rd-world 10 year olds playing video games that are actually fighting actual World War 4, 6, 8, or 13...
NS! Title: Suicide Club
Time: 99 minutes
Director: Sion Sono