ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE
HEARD ON THE STREET: ! ! !
Overly optimistic assessments of value, today, re-aligned with so-called reality, as masses of suicide humans attempted to rapidly degrade the slimeball population.
BOMBS ROCK WALL STREET!! Brokers, Traders In Mosh Pit of Money, Sex, Death Wall Street was abruptly rocked from its Great Depression lethargy today, as The Bombs, a multi-Grammy-nominated Bardo Pond cover group, played a free concert in the heart of the downtown financial district to give comfort and support to the beleaguered and much-maligned frontline brokers, traders, and analysts of fascism's corporate capitalist cover.
The concert took place outdoors at lunch hour at the intersection of 2 streets, which, despite being fashionably narrow and cramped, were both packed up and down with appreciative listeners in business suits and haircuts.
The sudden lunchtime burst of music had caught many of the Wall Street workers off-guard, but most said it boosted their sagging and much detested spirits and was a welcome and pleasant surprise. Many, in fact, were so energized by the music, they formed an impromptu mosh pit, the world's largest ever, and one not entirely unreminiscent of the so-called market trading pit which is now just a scene of carnage and death.
The predominantly chill vibe of the afternoon was marred only by 3 powerful explosions that went off within 15 seconds of each other leaving many of Wall Street's landmark financial buildings in ruins, including the one housing the stock market trading floor itself.
No injuries or deaths were reported, however, because, according to the bible or the constitution or the natural rights of man, the scumbags responsible for everything sucking so bad must never pay for it -- since obviously it's all the fucking victims' fault -- for being born fucking victims.
It seems so obvious now, but it took the depths of depression to remind us that the only way to get out of Global Depression is (don't laugh) World War II.
US, UK, Japan, Germany Agree to Re-
Fight WWII To End Global Depression UN All, "Hey It Fucking Worked Last Time, Right?" There's something about Global Universal Depression that makes you just wanna smile. Unfortunately, the World's most ersatz-Nobel Laureated economists and 6.6 billion naked starving zombies are too cold-hearted and empty to see it that way and insist on bitching and whining about it, even despite the final disappearance of any collective memory trace of the favorite lie they used to tell themselves incessantly about having something called (don't laugh) 'a soul'.
But naked, starving World Government 7.6 hears them anyway and with memories not yet totally drained by the endless succession of failures of things called (don't laugh) bailouts and stimuli -- it has been able to reach back one final time for the farthest back memory it can muster: the memory of what solved the last great depression (though of course the current great depression makes the last great depression look like the last great boom).
Apparently, someone at the top of World Government 7.6 has managed to shake off the brutal side effects of his religion (celebrity rehab and sober house with Dr. Drew) long enough to remember the only history lesson he'd ever learned at school or on cable, whichever: the lesson that the so-called Great Depression was ended by so-called World War II.
And so my fellow Americans, Japanese, Germans, British, Italians, Russians, etc. etc., let us come together one more blissful final time and slaughter the living fuck out of each other, to save mankind from this deep dark depression.
NETFLIX: Q 4 F R
"Your Netflix Queue will outlast the vicissitudes of History," is the promise made today by Netflix which it's now building a vast underground city outside time, to keep.
Despite Fall of Civilization
Netflix Will Retain Your Queue Descendants Can Pick Up Right Where You Left Off The Netflix online DVD rental and video streaming company attempted to comfort its subscribers today with the announcement that despite the coming fall of human civilization, Netflix WILL retain your DVD queue, intact, NO MATTER WHAT, until such time as human civilization is restored, and there is, you know, some kinda' Renaissance-y thing, or whatever.
"We have constructed a small city underground," a Netflix spokesperson said, "all running on underground geothermal power, with underground hydroponic vegetable gardens, underground springs, hospitals, massive mainframes and enough back up and spare parts to last hundreds of thousands of years if necessary.
"This underground city," he continued, "will be inhabited entirely by workers and managers dedicated to retaining not only your entire DVD queue but also your instant viewing queue, your rental and viewing histories, and your DVD ratings EXACTLY as you left them when civilization ceased on 12.21.12."
Netlix expressed its hope that the coming fall of civilization would end within a few short decades, but promised that they are in it for the long haul, "so that even if you and your children and their children and their children's visibly mutated children never see even the first glimpse of civilization reborn, and even if it's not until your children's children's children's children's children's violently mutated children's children, that something resembling a digital infrastructure is restored along with the concept of story and the medium of music, even then, your Netflix queue will still be there waiting, so the new humans that inhabit the new world, will immediately be able to kick back and watch what their great- great- great- great- great- great- great- grandparents thought was cool, before the fall. And for only 9.95 Zorgons per month."
EARTH = WASTE MY TIME!
Now that human nature has turned Earth into a total piece of shit,
aliens are rightfully pissed over the eons they've wasted preparing their now cancelled invasion of us.
Aliens Call Off Invasion Of
Worthless Piece Of Shit Earth Global Economic Collapse SAVES THE WORLD! A spokesman for the Union of Outer Space Aliens told reporters today that his group is calling off its long-planned and much anticipated invasion of the planet we call Earth and they call Britney.
"After centuries of preparation and millennia of hype," he said, "we are, sadly, calling off our invasion of Britney because the filthy rich planet we thought we were gonna get turns out to be in hock up to its eyebrows."
Conquest of Earth would have stuck the United Aliens not only with an endless money-pit of a planet, he admitted, but also with a planet that was now multiversally seen as totally uncool.
"A couplea millennia ago," he said, "all us aliens were like, 'Oooh, the Earth. They're sooo cool!' And everybody wanted to invade the shit out of you. But today we know Earth isn't the Beatles. -- It's the Monkees!"
"Of course," the alien spokesperson went on, "without the Earth to invade anymore, the lives of outer space aliens are now emptier than ever and we are pretty much stuck in the timeless old alien rut of video sex-war."
"We used to have so much fun," he smiled, "sending bogus signals to earth's satellites and telescopes, so their astronomers and cosmologists actually believed there's a whole fucking 'expanding universe' out here -- of planets and suns in universes of galaxies and super novae and black holes and quasars and gravity and matter and mass and Higgs bosons and blah blah blah in infinite parallel multi-metaverses of whatever."
"But in reality," he confessed, "there's just your moon and us aliens -- who wanted nothing but your destruction -- until you showed us how worthless you are." MADOFF EXONERATED:   Early today, confessed Ponzi schemer, Bernard Madoff, was cleared of all charges of pulling off the biggest coolest 50-billion-dollar-ponzi-scheme in the history of the world and released from prison in order to be named Secretary of the Treasury by current treasury secretary Tim Geithner, who will step down and leave the country once Madoff takes over. According to Geithner, he appointed Madoff Secretary of the Treasury because "absolutely everything else we've tried has failed miserably and it's now become clear that the only thing that can possibly save us is just one really bitchin' world ponzi scheme -- one that's all shiny and new, to replace the crappy old one that's just collapsed. And since Bernie Madoff has just pulled off the most powerful Ponzi scheme in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, obviously he's the only man alive who's truly able to run the world economy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master." omy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master." MADOFF EXONERATED:   Early today, confessed Ponzi schemer, Bernard Madoff, was cleared of all charges of pulling off the biggest coolest 50-billion-dollar-ponzi-scheme in the history of the world and released from prison in order to be named Secretary of the Treasury by current treasury secretary Tim Geithner, who will step down and leave the country once Madoff takes over. According to Geithner, he appointed Madoff Secretary of the Treasury because "absolutely everything else we've tried has failed miserably and it's now become clear that the only thing that can possibly save us is just one really bitchin' world ponzi scheme -- one that's all shiny and new, to replace the crappy old one that's just collapsed. And since Bernie Madoff has just pulled off the most powerful Ponzi scheme in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, obviously he's the only man alive who's truly able to run the world economy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master."
Adult "role models" just said, "Don't be so damn selfish all the time," and told me to volunteer my youthful and therefore creepy energy to some bogus non-profit org that their close personal friend makes $1.5M running. "They badly need fresh faces to wear their organization's tee shirts with their logo and colors, and be out posing for pictures pretending to give a shit about all the starving dying people," they said.
Popular self-help books only told me the kind of thing everybody already knows: a picture of Steve Forbes with the caption: "Whatever this asshole says, do the opposite." Or a picture of Lawrence Kudlow saying, "If you didn't do the diametric opposite of everything this slimeball said, then you deserve what you got."
I even toyed with a religion that teaches you to always be honest and honorable and to build up great trust -- until, at Christmas, they told us why: "So that one day, you can royally rip EVERYBODY the fuck off -- for everything. Screw everybody real good."
But, in the end, there's really only one solution where you don't wind up in a room full of kidnapped 3rd-world 10 year olds playing video games that are actually fighting actual World War 4, 6, 8, or 13...
NS! Title: Suicide Club
Time: 99 minutes
Director: Sion Sono