ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE
Acknowledging that only it can save the world, Corporate America has stepped up to the plate big time. And, according to its ad, it's here to stay.
World Totally Saved From Ending
By New Corporate Ad Campaign Being Convinced You Don't Suck Can Save Your Life Corporate America, unwilling to sit on the sidelines and watch as the human race exterminates itself with the greed, lies, self-absorption and stupidity it learned from corporate America, today unveiled the first in a series of ads designed to convince the human race that it's NOT a worthless piece of shit and that it's NOT currently in the process of exterminating itself, and that even if it is, this would still NOT be justified by what it's done to the planet, AT ALL.
The campaign, whose tagline is: "Humans: the species that will NEVER EVER EVER Fucking Exterminate Itself out of greed lies and stupidity, and has definitely totally NOT fucked up its planet" will run non-stop on all websites (superceding their original content) and on all TV and cable shows, and will be emblazoned on all NASCAR cars and jackets, and will be tattooed on the arms of school children. A representative for the corporate ad council emphasized corporate America's commitment to saving the human race from its sick pathetic, non-corporate self.
"The human race is NOT repeat NOT a worthless piece of shit like everybody says it is," he said.
"The human race has lots of potential and it just needs a month in Celebrity Rehab and then another month in Sober Living and then another month in jail with Steve Adler, and it'll be fine -- as long as Dr Drew is president."
The spokesman then went on to assure the human race that when it gets out of jail, "corporate America will be there waiting for you. We are in it for the long haul -- because the world is changing rapidly and you will need us to keep coming up with whole new ways to be disingenuous and creepy."
HEARD ON THE STREET: ! ! !
Overly optimistic assessments of value, today, re-aligned with so-called reality, as self-indulgent suicide bombers attempted to even whatever the score is.
BOMBS ROCK WALL STREET!! Brokers, Traders In Mosh Pit of Money, Sex, Death Wall Street was abruptly rocked from its Great Depression lethargy today, as The Bombs, a multi-Grammy-nominated Bardo Pond cover group, played a free concert in the heart of the downtown financial district to give comfort and support to the beleaguered and much-maligned frontline brokers, traders, and analysts of fascism's corporate capitalist cover.
The concert took place outdoors at lunch hour at the intersection of 2 streets, which, despite being fashionably narrow and cramped, were both packed up and down with appreciative listeners in business suits and haircuts.
The sudden lunchtime burst of music had caught many of the Wall Street workers off-guard, but most said it boosted their sagging and much detested spirits and was a welcome and pleasant surprise. Many, in fact, were so energized by the music, they formed an impromptu mosh pit, the world's largest ever, and one not entirely unreminiscent of the so-called market trading pit which is now just a scene of carnage and death.
The predominantly chill vibe of the afternoon was marred only by 3 powerful explosions that went off within 15 seconds of each other leaving many of Wall Street's landmark financial buildings in ruins, including the one housing the stock market trading floor itself.
No injuries or deaths were reported, however, because, according to the bible or the constitution or the natural rights of man, the scumbags responsible for everything sucking so bad must never pay for it -- since obviously it's all the fucking victims' fault -- for being born fucking victims.
It seems so obvious now, but it took the depths of depression to remind us that the only way to get out of Global Depression is (don't laugh) World War II.
US, UK, Japan, Germany Agree to Re-
Fight WWII To End Global Depression UN All, "Hey It Fucking Worked Last Time, Right?" There's something about Global Universal Depression that makes you just wanna smile. Unfortunately, the World's most ersatz-Nobel Laureated economists and 6.6 billion naked starving zombies are too cold-hearted and empty to see it that way and insist on bitching and whining about it, even despite the final disappearance of any collective memory trace of the favorite lie they used to tell themselves incessantly about having something called (don't laugh) 'a soul'.
But naked, starving World Government 7.6 hears them anyway and with memories not yet totally drained by the endless succession of failures of things called (don't laugh) bailouts and stimuli -- it has been able to reach back one final time for the farthest back memory it can muster: the memory of what solved the last great depression (though of course the current great depression makes the last great depression look like the last great boom).
Apparently, someone at the top of World Government 7.6 has managed to shake off the brutal side effects of his religion (celebrity rehab and sober house with Dr. Drew) long enough to remember the only history lesson he'd ever learned at school or on cable, whichever: the lesson that the so-called Great Depression was ended by so-called World War II.
And so my fellow Americans, Japanese, Germans, British, Italians, Russians, etc. etc., let us come together one more blissful final time and slaughter the living fuck out of each other, to save mankind from this deep dark depression.
NETFLIX: Q 4 F R
"Your Netflix Queue will outlast the vicissitudes of History," is the promise made today by Netflix which it's now building a vast underground city outside time, to keep.
Despite Fall of Civilization
Netflix Will Retain Your Queue Descendants Can Pick Up Right Where You Left Off The Netflix online DVD rental and video streaming company attempted to comfort its subscribers today with the announcement that despite the coming fall of human civilization, Netflix WILL retain your DVD queue, intact, NO MATTER WHAT, until such time as human civilization is restored, and there is, you know, some kinda' Renaissance-y thing, or whatever.
"We have constructed a small city underground," a Netflix spokesperson said, "all running on underground geothermal power, with underground hydroponic vegetable gardens, underground springs, hospitals, massive mainframes and enough back up and spare parts to last hundreds of thousands of years if necessary.
"This underground city," he continued, "will be inhabited entirely by workers and managers dedicated to retaining not only your entire DVD queue but also your instant viewing queue, your rental and viewing histories, and your DVD ratings EXACTLY as you left them when civilization ceased on 12.21.12."
Netlix expressed its hope that the coming fall of civilization would end within a few short decades, but promised that they are in it for the long haul, "so that even if you and your children and their children and their children's visibly mutated children never see even the first glimpse of civilization reborn, and even if it's not until your children's children's children's children's children's violently mutated children's children, that something resembling a digital infrastructure is restored along with the concept of story and the medium of music, even then, your Netflix queue will still be there waiting, so the new humans that inhabit the new world, will immediately be able to kick back and watch what their great- great- great- great- great- great- great- grandparents thought was cool, before the fall. And for only 9.95 Zorgons per month." MADOFF EXONERATED:   Early today, confessed Ponzi schemer, Bernard Madoff, was cleared of all charges of pulling off the biggest coolest 50-billion-dollar-ponzi-scheme in the history of the world and released from prison in order to be named Secretary of the Treasury by current treasury secretary Tim Geithner, who will step down and leave the country once Madoff takes over. According to Geithner, he appointed Madoff Secretary of the Treasury because "absolutely everything else we've tried has failed miserably and it's now become clear that the only thing that can possibly save us is just one really bitchin' world ponzi scheme -- one that's all shiny and new, to replace the crappy old one that's just collapsed. And since Bernie Madoff has just pulled off the most powerful Ponzi scheme in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, obviously he's the only man alive who's truly able to run the world economy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master." omy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master." MADOFF EXONERATED:   Early today, confessed Ponzi schemer, Bernard Madoff, was cleared of all charges of pulling off the biggest coolest 50-billion-dollar-ponzi-scheme in the history of the world and released from prison in order to be named Secretary of the Treasury by current treasury secretary Tim Geithner, who will step down and leave the country once Madoff takes over. According to Geithner, he appointed Madoff Secretary of the Treasury because "absolutely everything else we've tried has failed miserably and it's now become clear that the only thing that can possibly save us is just one really bitchin' world ponzi scheme -- one that's all shiny and new, to replace the crappy old one that's just collapsed. And since Bernie Madoff has just pulled off the most powerful Ponzi scheme in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, obviously he's the only man alive who's truly able to run the world economy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master."
Please help me. I've spent a lifetime (22 years) doing what I learned in Psych 113A is called sublimating, in order to do what I learned in Soc 331 is called fitting in, in order do do what I learned in some old TV movie is called "going along to get along", so as to do what I learned from death is called staying alive.
But recently I learned the hard way that not only is the so-called economy a ponzi scheme based on the lie of "value", but so is everything else from art to science to social conventions and beliefs in general. All fucking lies that, as long as everybody believes them or acts like they believe them, then everything is sorta OK, except, of course, it's all a lie.
But under these circumstances, as I learned the other day when I accidentally so much as cracked a smile, if you even so much as crack a smile at the wrong time, the whole system of lies crumbles into powder and nothingness, just as the economy is presently crumbling into powder and nothingness at the revelation that 90% of what has been called "value" has all been, ha ha, you know, just ze little joke. Ha Ha.
So Riki, whether I've made myself clear or not, I know YOU understand what I'm saying and I know you won't just palliate me with words like all those other 6.5 billion douchebags out there are doing -- you will SHOW ME SOLUTIONS!
Thanks again, Riki. I know you will come through for me, as you come through against all that is fucked. And also say hi to Takashi for me.
NS! Title: Deadly Outlaw: Rekka
(Jitsuroku Ando Noboru
Time: 96 minutes
Director: Takashi Miike