ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE
Former Senator Phil Gramm was named Entrepreneur of the Millennium for inventing the Global Economic Collapse
which got the end of the world really rolling.
Gramm Named Entrepreneur of the
Millennium For Starting End of World Beloved Moron Now Seen As Super-Over-Achiever Beloved former Senator Phil Gramm of Texas was awarded the highest honor of mankind today, when he was named Entrepreneur of the Millennium by the International Flavor of-the-Month Corporation which normally only names like Entrepreneur of-the-Month or Employee of-the-Month kinda thing, but due to world circumstance has seen fit to vastly expand its mandate in the temporal dimension.
"By being totally responsible for the Global Economic Apocalypse," the chairman of iFotM Corp said, "Gramm is also directly responsible for the coming fall of civilization and the end of the human race itself, which is really one of the coolest business models anyone has ever come up with. 'Hey, got a planet or species you wanna' terminate? We've got a track record that can't be beat, and some real cool videos from out last job.'" For being the greatest entrepreneur of all time, Gramm has been awarded relocation to a distant island and a protection squad to keep off the angry mobs who've been hunting him for months through the rugged Texas back country.
The mobs apparently represent the ad hoc Supreme Court of the World which has charged Gramm with the same heinous crime the International Flavor of the Month Corporation has just named him Entrepreneur of the Millennium for.
According to the Court's Chief Justice, the penalty for being the corporate butt-boy who started the end of the world for all the wrong reasons, is to be locked in a room full of loudspeakers blaring the robot-voiced text-to-speech translations of the endless final Twitter tweets of every last one of the 6.5 billion people of the earth, going down.
RE-BRANDING'S ALL YA' NEED
All you need is re-branding (all together now) /
All you need is re-branding (everybody) /
All you need is re-branding, re-branding / re-branding's all you need.
Human Race NOT Over, Study Shows;
Species Just Needs Re-Branding Recipe For Saving Mankind Simple, Easy and Obvious OK, So everybody pretty much thinks the human race is just sooo fucking over. But a new study, just released, now proves conclusively that the human race is not NECESSARILY so fucking OVER -- at all.
"The human race is just far too cool to be fucking OVER yet," said Brad Rayberry, a spokesman for the Humanity Does Not Suck Ass Project, which conducted the study.
"For one thing," he said, "the human race knows the value of a hot steaming brand, and the members of the human race love their favorite brands more than life itself. And most of all they love their own brand, themselves, which they have worked hard to develop and spread by any slimy means necessary. And they are not willing to see any of those brands be just so fucking OVER yet. NO!
"And the human race is sophisticated when it comes to branding and they know that, in a world where science is only slightly less bogus than religion, the only truth to be found anywhere is usually found only in the 3rd or 4th re-branding of a person/product.
"Because the first attempt at branding is usually all hope and false aspiration. And the second branding (the first re-branding) is usually overly humble in reaction to the failure of the first branding.
"But usually, around the 3rd or 4th re-branding, the brand has finally become both confident and detached enough to truly represent the product/person who needs so desperately at this moment to be SAVED by absolutely ANYTHING, anything at all, even something as utterly creepy as a burning hot iron with somebody else's name, in the ass of who they are."
Acknowledging that only it can save the world, Corporate America has stepped up to the plate big time. And, according to its ad, it's here to stay.
World Totally Saved From Ending
By New Corporate Ad Campaign Being Convinced You Don't Suck Can Save Your Life Corporate America, unwilling to sit on the sidelines and watch as the human race exterminates itself with the greed, lies, self-absorption and stupidity it learned from corporate America, today unveiled the first in a series of ads designed to convince the human race that it's NOT a worthless piece of shit and that it's NOT currently in the process of exterminating itself, and that even if it is, this would still NOT be justified by what it's done to the planet, AT ALL.
The campaign, whose tagline is: "Humans: the species that will NEVER EVER EVER Fucking Exterminate Itself out of greed lies and stupidity, and has definitely totally NOT fucked up its planet" will run non-stop on all websites (superceding their original content) and on all TV and cable shows, and will be emblazoned on all NASCAR cars and jackets, and will be tattooed on the arms of school children. A representative for the corporate ad council emphasized corporate America's commitment to saving the human race from its sick pathetic, non-corporate self.
"The human race is NOT repeat NOT a worthless piece of shit like everybody says it is," he said.
"The human race has lots of potential and it just needs a month in Celebrity Rehab and then another month in Sober Living and then another month in jail with Steve Adler, and it'll be fine -- as long as Dr Drew is president."
The spokesman then went on to assure the human race that when it gets out of jail, "corporate America will be there waiting for you. We are in it for the long haul -- because the world is changing rapidly and you will need us to keep coming up with whole new ways to be disingenuous and creepy."
HEARD ON THE STREET: ! ! !
Overly optimistic assessments of value, today, re-aligned with so-called reality, as self-indulgent suicide bombers attempted to even whatever the score is.
BOMBS ROCK WALL STREET!! Brokers, Traders In Mosh Pit of Money, Sex, Death Wall Street was abruptly rocked from its Great Depression lethargy today, as The Bombs, a multi-Grammy-nominated Bardo Pond cover group, played a free concert in the heart of the downtown financial district to give comfort and support to the beleaguered and much-maligned frontline brokers, traders, and analysts of fascism's corporate capitalist cover.
The concert took place outdoors at lunch hour at the intersection of 2 streets, which, despite being fashionably narrow and cramped, were both packed up and down with appreciative listeners in business suits and haircuts.
The sudden lunchtime burst of music had caught many of the Wall Street workers off-guard, but most said it boosted their sagging and much detested spirits and was a welcome and pleasant surprise. Many, in fact, were so energized by the music, they formed an impromptu mosh pit, the world's largest ever, and one not entirely unreminiscent of the so-called market trading pit which is now just a scene of carnage and death.
The predominantly chill vibe of the afternoon was marred only by 3 powerful explosions that went off within 15 seconds of each other leaving many of Wall Street's landmark financial buildings in ruins, including the one housing the stock market trading floor itself.
No injuries or deaths were reported, however, because, according to the bible or the constitution or the natural rights of man, the scumbags responsible for everything sucking so bad must never pay for it -- since obviously it's all the fucking victims' fault -- for being born fucking victims. MADOFF EXONERATED:   Early today, confessed Ponzi schemer, Bernard Madoff, was cleared of all charges of pulling off the biggest coolest 50-billion-dollar-ponzi-scheme in the history of the world and released from prison in order to be named Secretary of the Treasury by current treasury secretary Tim Geithner, who will step down and leave the country once Madoff takes over. According to Geithner, he appointed Madoff Secretary of the Treasury because "absolutely everything else we've tried has failed miserably and it's now become clear that the only thing that can possibly save us is just one really bitchin' world ponzi scheme -- one that's all shiny and new, to replace the crappy old one that's just collapsed. And since Bernie Madoff has just pulled off the most powerful Ponzi scheme in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, obviously he's the only man alive who's truly able to run the world economy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master." omy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty conmen to just step aside and watch the master." MADOFF EXONERATED:   Early today, confessed Ponzi schemer, Bernard Madoff, was cleared of all charges of pulling off the biggest coolest 50-billion-dollar-ponzi-scheme in the history of the world and released from prison in order to be named Secretary of the Treasury by current treasury secretary Tim Geithner, who will step down and leave the country once Madoff takes over. According to Geithner, he appointed Madoff Secretary of the Treasury because "absolutely everything else we've tried has failed miserably and it's now become clear that the only thing that can possibly save us is just one really bitchin' world ponzi scheme -- one that's all shiny and new, to replace the crappy old one that's just collapsed. And since Bernie Madoff has just pulled off the most powerful Ponzi scheme in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, obviously he's the only man alive who's truly able to run the world economy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master."
Please help me. I've spent a lifetime (22 years) doing what I learned in Psych 113A is called sublimating, in order to do what I learned in Soc 331 is called fitting in, in order do do what I learned in some old TV movie is called "going along to get along", so as to do what I learned from death is called staying alive.
But recently I learned the hard way that not only is the so-called economy a ponzi scheme based on the lie of "value", but so is everything else from art to science to social conventions and beliefs in general. All fucking lies that, as long as everybody believes them or acts like they believe them, then everything is sorta OK, except, of course, it's all a lie.
But under these circumstances, as I learned the other day when I accidentaLly so much as cracked a smile, if you even so much as crack a smile at the wrong time, the whole system of lies crumbles into powder and nothingness, just as the economy is presently crumbling into powder and nothingness at the revelation that 90% of what has been called "value" has all been, ha ha, you know, just ze little joke. Ha Ha.
So Riki, whether I've made myself clear or not, I know YOU understand what I'm saying and I know you won't just palliate me with words like all those other 6.5 billion douchebags out there are doing -- you will SHOW ME SOLUTIONS!
Thanks again, Riki. I know you will come through for me, as you come through against all that is fucked. And also say hi to Takashi for me.
NS! Title: Deadly Outlaw: Rekka
(Jitsuroku Ando Noboru
Time: 96 minutes
Director: Takashi Miike
1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.
2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.