ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE
NO MORE F-ING DRUG NAMES?
Having used up all possible creepy names on earth, the drug companies looked like they'd have to face the same fucking end of the world as everybody else, until...
Medicine Almost Totally Ends: Runs Out
Of Creepy Names For New Useless Drugs But More Deeply Screwing Patient Saves Industry Despite vast libraries of algorithms, the world's top super-computers have finally all blown out even their backup cooling systems when confronted with the task of coming up with just one more name for one more new bogus worthless drug company drug.
"We needed a name for our next blockbuster drug," said Pfizer president Seymour Glass. "It's a drug that has massive demand potential and could save millions of lives every year because it makes erections that have lasted more than 3 hours not last 4, so a doctor doesn't need to be called in to REALLY fuck things up.
"But," the president went on to explain, "when we fed the information about the new drug into our vast network of supercomputers, and asked for a name for it, the computers just churned for hours, eventually overheating and burning down the rooms they were in."
Pfizer, however, a company that never gives up no matter what, simply farmed the project out to Google's Cloud Computing thingy, but after Google's cloud exploded, some researchers at the Large Hadron Collider with lots of time on their hands since their piece of shit collider will never be allowed to actually function since if it does, it'll fail to find the Higgs Boson proving theoretical physics to be a total utter fucking fairy tale, did some long division and determined that the super computers and clouds are blowing up because there are ABSOLUTELY NO MORE creepy names left for the next new worthless piece of shit drug company drug.
Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed at Pfizer and throughout the industry, and at a meeting concluded just moments ago, the drug companies agreed to name all future drugs with the same totally cool name: "Just Shut the Fuck Up and Swallow, Ya Fuckin' Sicko Loser".
"Ultimately," said Glass, "it doesn't really matter WHAT drug you take. They're all made with interlocking side effects so, if you want to think you feel normal, you'll have to fucking take them ALL."
GRAND THEFT ARTO
In their moment of deepest despair, the people of the world turn to the most bogus man whoever lived, and beg his corpse to teach them how to be just like him.
Andy Warhol Appointed New President
Everyone to Finally Get their 15 Minutes Popster's Promise Comes Due 6.5 Billion Times As World Ends Though he's dead now, and while alive was a total douche as a human being, Andy Warhol has been appointed President in Absentia of World Government 8.0 by World Supreme Court 2.3.
Co-Chief Justices, Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi and Joey "Jaws" Chestnut announced the appointment of Warhol today, followed by a lightning round hot dog eating contest between the two of them.
"We are appointing Warhol President," said Kobayashi, wiping the mustard off his chin after the contest, "because of popular demand -- or at least we're getting lots of emails, IMs and tweets from former squeaky clean Disney teen idols who wanna break from the past by doing something edgy with an old master edgemaster and who's older and edgier and masterer than old edgy Andy Warhol."
Warhol is being appointed president apparently not only to give former squeaky clean teen idols a shot at being like all edgy an' shit by being appointed to his cabinet, but because the 6.5 billion people of the world know they are about to fall of the cliff at the end of the world and they all want their fucking 15 minutes of fucking fame and they all want it fucking NOW!
"It was Warhol who promised us that we'd all be famous before we died," said one enraged citizen who asked to please not remain anonymous, "and so now that we're all gonna die in the end of the world, Warhol better fucking deliver."
Once president, Warhol's continued failure to "deliver", the citizen asserted, "just might lead to his reassessment as a so-called artist -- and in these difficult times, the reassessment team just might not continue ranking him much above the guys who painted my garage, or Hitler."
Former Senator Phil Gramm was named Entrepreneur of the Millennium for inventing the Global Economic Collapse
which got the end of the world really rolling.
Gramm Named Entrepreneur of the
Millennium For Starting End of World Beloved Moron Now Seen As Super-Over-Achiever Beloved former Senator Phil Gramm of Texas was awarded the highest honor of mankind today, when he was named Entrepreneur of the Millennium by the International Flavor of-the-Month Corporation which normally only names like Entrepreneur of-the-Month or Employee of-the-Month kinda thing, but due to world circumstance has seen fit to vastly expand its mandate in the temporal dimension.
"By being totally responsible for the Global Economic Apocalypse," the chairman of iFotM Corp said, "Gramm is also directly responsible for the coming fall of civilization and the end of the human race itself, which is really one of the coolest business models anyone has ever come up with. 'Hey, got a planet or species you wanna' terminate? We've got a track record that can't be beat, and some real cool videos from out last job.'" For being the greatest entrepreneur of all time, Gramm has been awarded relocation to a distant island and a protection squad to keep off the angry mobs who've been hunting him for months through the rugged Texas back country.
The mobs apparently represent the ad hoc Supreme Court of the World which has charged Gramm with the same heinous crime the International Flavor of the Month Corporation has just named him Entrepreneur of the Millennium for.
According to the Court's Chief Justice, the penalty for being the corporate butt-boy who started the end of the world for all the wrong reasons, is to be locked in a room full of loudspeakers blaring the robot-voiced text-to-speech translations of the endless final Twitter tweets of every last one of the 6.5 billion people of the earth, going down.
RE-BRANDING'S ALL YA' NEED
All you need is re-branding (all together now) /
All you need is re-branding (everybody) /
All you need is re-branding, re-branding / re-branding's all you need.
Human Race NOT Over, Study Shows;
Species Just Needs Re-Branding Recipe For Saving Mankind Simple, Easy and Obvious OK, So everybody pretty much thinks the human race is just sooo fucking over. But a new study, just released, now proves conclusively that the human race is not NECESSARILY so fucking OVER -- at all.
"The human race is just far too cool to be fucking OVER yet," said Brad Rayberry, a spokesman for the Humanity Does Not Suck Ass Project, which conducted the study.
"For one thing," he said, "the human race knows the value of a hot steaming brand, and the members of the human race love their favorite brands more than life itself. And most of all they love their own brand, themselves, which they have worked hard to develop and spread by any slimy means necessary. And they are not willing to see any of those brands be just so fucking OVER yet. NO!
"And the human race is sophisticated when it comes to branding and they know that, in a world where science is only slightly less bogus than religion, the only truth to be found anywhere is usually found only in the 3rd or 4th re-branding of a person/product.
"Because the first attempt at branding is usually all hope and false aspiration. And the second branding (the first re-branding) is usually overly humble in reaction to the failure of the first branding.
"But usually, around the 3rd or 4th re-branding, the brand has finally become both confident and detached enough to truly represent the product/person who needs so desperately at this moment to be SAVED by absolutely ANYTHING, anything at all, even something as utterly creepy as a burning hot iron with somebody else's name, in the ass of who they are." MADOFF EXONERATED:   Early today, confessed Ponzi schemer, Bernard Madoff, was cleared of all charges of pulling off the biggest coolest 50-billion-dollar-ponzi-scheme in the history of the world and released from prison in order to be named Secretary of the Treasury by current treasury secretary Tim Geithner, who will step down and leave the country once Madoff takes over. According to Geithner, he appointed Madoff Secretary of the Treasury because "absolutely everything else we've tried has failed miserably and it's now become clear that the only thing that can possibly save us is just one really bitchin' world ponzi scheme -- one that's all shiny and new, to replace the crappy old one that's just collapsed. And since Bernie Madoff has just pulled off the most powerful Ponzi scheme in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, obviously he's the only man alive who's truly able to run the world economy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master." omy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master." MADOFF EXONERATED:   Early today, confessed Ponzi schemer, Bernard Madoff, was cleared of all charges of pulling off the biggest coolest 50-billion-dollar-ponzi-scheme in the history of the world and released from prison in order to be named Secretary of the Treasury by current treasury secretary Tim Geithner, who will step down and leave the country once Madoff takes over. According to Geithner, he appointed Madoff Secretary of the Treasury because "absolutely everything else we've tried has failed miserably and it's now become clear that the only thing that can possibly save us is just one really bitchin' world ponzi scheme -- one that's all shiny and new, to replace the crappy old one that's just collapsed. And since Bernie Madoff has just pulled off the most powerful Ponzi scheme in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, obviously he's the only man alive who's truly able to run the world economy at this point, and it behooves all us other petty con men to just step aside and watch the master."
Please help me. I've spent a lifetime (22 years) doing what I learned in Psych 113A is called sublimating, in order to do what I learned in Soc 331 is called fitting in, in order do do what I learned in some old TV movie is called "going along to get along", so as to do what I learned from death is called staying alive.
But recently I learned the hard way that not only is the so-called economy a ponzi scheme based on the lie of "value", but so is everything else from art to science to social conventions and beliefs in general. All fucking lies that, as long as everybody believes them or acts like they believe them, then everything is sorta OK, except, of course, it's all a lie.
But under these circumstances, as I learned the other day when I accidentally so much as cracked a smile, if you even so much as crack a smile at the wrong time, the whole system of lies crumbles into powder and nothingness, just as the economy is presently crumbling into powder and nothingness at the revelation that 90% of what has been called "value" has all been, ha ha, you know, just ze little joke. Ha Ha.
So Riki, whether I've made myself clear or not, I know YOU understand what I'm saying and I know you won't just palliate me with words like all those other 6.5 billion douchebags out there are doing -- you will SHOW ME SOLUTIONS!
Thanks again, Riki. I know you will come through for me, as you come through against all that is fucked. And also say hi to Takashi for me.
NS! Title: Deadly Outlaw: Rekka
(Jitsuroku Ando Noboru
Time: 96 minutes
Director: Takashi Miike
1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.
2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.