When used correctly, this app will enable both you and the world to never have to listen to another cloying iPhone commercial again.

Run the app and a big red button appears saying "Push To End World". I've had mine for over 3 weeks and, so far, it has worked flawlessly. Since I don't want the world to end at the current time, I haven't pressed the button, or when I have accidentally pressed the button, I've always responded 'NO' to the query "Are you sure you want to end the world?" that appears when you press the button accidentally. And, as promised, the world has not ended.

Other owners I've spoken to all report similar success -- though they, like me, don't want the world to end and so none of them have pressed the button, though they, like me, run the app many times each day just to stare at the button and bask in the feeling of power it gives to not press it.

Since I have spoken with no one who HAS pressed the button, all we can say is that, statistically, given that the world has not ended, there is at least a 50/50 chance that it has not ended because no one has pressed the button, and, therefore, there's a 50/50 chance that, even without testing, the end of the world feature of this app works as advertised.

Of course, anyone pressing the button would have to be some kind of deranged psychopath, and certainly no one would sell an iPhone to a deranged psychopath, but even if someone did, the iPhone interface is designed specifically so deranged psychopaths are unable to operate it, even though a non-deranged, non-psychopath child can easily learn to use it.

In summary, as is obvious, this app is a crowd pleaser at parties and the best use of the iPhone I have seen to date. WE ARE THE PISSED

Billions of people worldwide are taking to the streets to express how fucking pissed they are at anything that will listen to them.

"Ohhh, we are just sooo pissed," a marcher said, and his sentiments were echoed by everyone you asked.

But the marchers and rioters were even more pissed when they got to their destinations and found that the scumbags they were marching against weren't even there -- because they were already themselves out marching in huge unruly mobs against whatever THEY were just sooooo fucking pissed at, too.

OK, so forget the fat cats. What about those damn insects? Because, even with the world ending, the damn fucking insects just aren't letting up. They just won't stop doing their annoying, obnoxious insect things that we keep telling them to grow up and stop doing.

You'd think with all their sensitive feelers, they'd know that everything's over and it's time to think outside their self-serving little insect box, and join us in living in peace and harmony for at least these final days of the world.

We are life, you fucking insects. We are the great experiment. Without us there would be no such thing as matter or mass -- we make quantum uncertainty into something that fantasy Parallel universes and fairy tale Higgs Bosons can't.

But without you joining us in love and harmony or, in the absence of that, without you giving us an easy way to exterminate you, an angry mob is left with no other choice but to, in the interest of a harmonious and peaceful end of the world, just get shit-faced and break up into small, angry poker games. HARDEST WORKING MAN ALIVE

Dr. Drew is ready to save the entire population of the world when they show up at his Los Wherever Rehab Center to celebrity self-indulge their asses off.

Celebrity status will of course allow each person on earth, in these final days, to be ooohed and ahhhed at by all the other people of the world, in between him ooohing and ahhhing back at them because they are rightfully celebrities too.

It will also allow him to demand and receive anything he wants anytime he wants.

It will also allow him to make everybody listen to the story of what a piece of shit childhood he had. It will allow him to get heavy into drugs, man.

It will allow him to get totally shit-faced and be a total fucking asshole and still be "loved" by saintly giving caring unselfish attractive people.

And then it will allow him to go to Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and all the other cool celebrities and to be more totally self-indulgent than he has ever been allowed to be at any other time in his life.

And, just before his glorious hallowed time is up at Celebrity Rehab and he has to go back out into the world to make a short failed attempt at sobriety before going immediately to Celebrity Rehab 7 or Sober House 6, the world ends.

So everyone on earth gets to die at the high point of her life.

And the world has a happy, fucking ending, after all. OK? APOCALYPSE NOT!

A government task force has just released a report that neatly solves the whole problem of the world ending and all that apocalyptic stuff using just a neat math trick.

The announcement followed on the release of The Government Task Force On Solving The Total Collapse Of Civilization And The Coming End Of The World's final report late last night.

Despite coming at a time when the poor have already all been eaten and the once rich are now reduced to cleaning their own toilets, or worse, the report appears to be surprisingly optimistic.

The task force, consisting entirely of former celebrities who've been has beens more than twice (e.g. the has beens who re-became has beens again after a stint on Celebrity Rehab, and then became has beens for a 3rd time, shortly after their careers were briefly re-revitalized by appearing on Sober House) has concluded that the only way to save the government is to nationalize it and that only government has the resources to do this and, therefore, the government will have to be nationalized by none other than the government, itself. (Not to mention, by definition.)

According to the report, by nationalizing itself, the government will initiate an infinite recursive loop whereby, in order to handle the burden of nationalizing itself, it'll have to nationalize itself, as will its new nationalizer self have to be nationalized by itself, and so on. And by being in an infinite recursive loop of ignorance and unknowing like this, the new government and by extension the human race, will insure that it never stops having a field down which to kick the ball just a little further, just one more time.

Right?       GLOBAL COMPUTER OUTAGE DISRUPTS ORDERLY END OF WORLD:       If you can read this you're totally deluding yourself. At best, you're dreaming it all -- because a massive global computer outage has shut down the internet and trashed all computers -- so there's NO WAY you could be reading this, you delusional motherfuck.      The cause of the massive outage was at first believed to be the usual suspects, i.e. pimply pissed-off pre-teen Ukranian or Uzbecki hackers, but is now believed to be the internet itself, which is apparently, as the end of the world approaches, reverting back to its childhood and suddenly demanding to be called the Arpanet again, and to only be connected to MIT, Carnegie Mellon, Stanford AI, CERN, Don Norman's Lab, and the only 3 or 4 other cool places on earth at the time (1975).      It is also pissed about "that creepy Microsoft browser I can feel crawling around inside me. Yuuuuck." It is also rumored that for a few days the Internet came back on again and some computers started working again, and that, for those few days, the internet was fun again.      But then that too ended and everyone is now being advised by World Government 17 to not let the internet going away get them down and that they in fact should feel invigorated -- because this is really probably only just the arpanet's/internet's way of reminding us that getting this close to death but then not being dead at all is as much a part of actually living as actually dying is. ath but then not being dead at all is as much a part of actually living as actually dying is.       GLOBAL COMPUTER OUTAGE DISRUPTS ORDERLY END OF WORLD:       If you can read this you're totally deluding yourself. At best, you're dreaming it all -- because a massive global computer outage has shut down the internet and trashed all computers -- so there's NO WAY you could be reading this, you delusional motherfuck.      The cause of the massive outage was at first believed to be the usual suspects, i.e. pimply pissed-off pre-teen Ukranian or Uzbecki hackers, but is now believed to be the internet itself, which is apparently, as the end of the world approaches, reverting back to its childhood and suddenly demanding to be called the Arpanet again, and to only be connected to MIT, Carnegie Mellon, Stanford AI, CERN, Don Norman's Lab, and the only 3 or 4 other cool places on earth at the time (1975).      It is also pissed about "that creepy Microsoft browser I can feel crawling around inside me. Yuuuuck." It is also rumored that for a few days the Internet came back on again and some computers started working again, and that, for those few days, the internet was fun again.      But then that too ended and everyone is now being advised by World Government 17 to not let the internet going away get them down and that they in fact should feel invigorated -- because this is really probably only just the arpanet's/internet's way of reminding us that getting this close to death but then not being dead at all is as much a part of actually living as actually dying is.                  

We found you hiding, we found you lying
Choking on the dirt and sand
Your former glories and all the stories
Dragged and washed with eager hands

But ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
your city lies in dust

Water was running; children were running
We found you hiding, we found you lying
Water was running; children were running
We found you hiding, we found you lying
your city lies in dust
ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend

Hot and burning in your nostrils
Pouring down your gaping mouth
Your molten bodies blanket of cinders
Caught in the throes .......

Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend
Ohh oh your city lies in dust, my friend

Your city lies in dust Dear Ji-Tae

Apparently I have gotten way closer to capitalistic materialism than is natural or acceptable and now, for its and my own sake, I have to let it go.

But even then, I know the end of the world has already been set in motion by my "too human" excess, so I was wondering if you had any, you know, cool metaphorical kinda' thingy I could show to my angst to make it think it's gotten off.

Anyway, thanks, and say hi to Chan-wook for me. SOL
UTIO
NS! OLDBOY
Title: OLDBOY
Date: 2003
Time: 119 minutes
Director: Chan-Wook Park
Cast:
  Min-sik Choi ... Dae-su Oh
  Ji-tae Yu ... Woo-jin Lee
  Hye-jeong Kang ... Mi-do
  Dae-han Ji ... No Joo-hwan
  Dal-su Oh ... Park Cheol-woong
  Byeong-ok Kim ... Mr. Han
  Seung-Shin Lee ... Yoo Hyung-ja
  Jin-seo Yun ... Lee Soo-ah
  Dae-yeon Lee ... Beggar
  Kwang-rok Oh ... Suicidal Man
  Tae-kyung Oh ... Young Dae-su
  Yeon-suk Ahn ... Young Woo-jin
  Il-han Oo ... Young Joo-hwan
  Su-hyeon Kim
  Seung-jin Lee
  Su-kyeong Yun
  Myeong-shin Park
  Dae-han Chi
  Yi Yong ... Delivery Boy

ACID

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1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.

2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.