ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE ThE dAiLy 'PoCaLyPsE
CATCH THE COOL FINAL DAYS OF MAN SPECIES GAME CHANGER FROM NINTENDO?

Nintendo shocked the world today, announcing a new peripheral for its Nintendo Wii that may impact the future of man more than anything ever invented or, uh, conceived.

SPECIES GAME CHANGER FROM NINTENDO?

Nintendo shocked the world today, announcing a new peripheral for its Nintendo Wii that may impact the future of man more than anything ever invented or, uh, conceived.

Haptic Vagina For Nintendo Wii!!! Whoa! Whoa! GREEN-LIGHTING THE APOCALYPSE

The swine flu pandemic may not mean much to you and me, but if the world ends in 2011, the film '2012' will be stuck on the wrong end of a sawed-off Hollywood gangplank.

GREEN-LIGHTING THE APOCALYPSE

The swine flu pandemic may not mean much to you and me, but if the world ends in 2011, the film '2012' will be stuck on the wrong end of a sawed-off Hollywood gangplank.

CDC Predicts Swine Flu Pandemic
Will Wipe Out Human Species by 2011 Film '2012' Rushes to Change Name, Re-dub Dialogue A CDC report predicting that a swine flu pandemic will wipe out the human race by 2011 has caused mass panic among distributors of the forthcoming film '2012' (Columbia/Sony).

"Our majestic paean to the world being saved from apocalypse yet again by a few super-cool (but flawed and/or nerdy) dudes, now suddenly rings false and hollow," 2012 writer/director Roland Emmerich was overheard saying to himself by his bedroom Google-Cam®.

To try to salvage the film from the box office suicide of being about saving a world that already ended a year ago, the production team has spent 20-hour days re-writing, re-editing and even re-shooting. To date, the following changes have been finalized:

1. The "sprawling tale of conspiracy, politics and ideology" has been modified somewhat to now be a sprawling tale of 360 degree pans of a man in a room sweating, puking and occasionally raising his fist to the frenetic camera and swearing: "Damn YOU, Swine Flu Pandemic!!" 2. Hundreds of hours of breathtaking and mystical Himalayan footage shot at great risk using expensive advanced techniques in cinematography, aviation and survival, are now seen only in an email on the main character's 3-inch iPhone screen. But then, when he pukes on it, the cosmic implications are so heavy that the audience will puke too. Bring a bucket.

3. The "larger-than-life characters whose growth over the course of the (film) interweave seamless with the plot" have been re-dubbed, re-edited, and re-scored so their "growth" now goes from being losers without swine flu, to being winners who also, unfortunately, vomit up their inner organs as they speak.

4. The film's exploration of "the apocalyptic realm through... science and art" and its "bold exploration of the human spirit" has been replaced by a bold, apocalyptic digitally-enhanced exploration of explosive diarrhea, played at half-speed over the opening and closing credits. ATTACK? OF THE HDTV ALIENS!

Despite being a fucking mess, HDTV has inadvertently raised the existential question of "Who's an invading outer space alien and who isn't?".

ATTACK? OF THE HDTV ALIENS!

Despite being a fucking mess, HDTV has inadvertently raised the existential question of "Who's an invading outer space alien and who isn't?".

Mass Killer of Squashed-Headed Aliens
Apparently Watched Too Much HDTV Not Guilty By Reason of Mistaken Aspect Ratio While everyone else assumed that Deonardo Lavinci was just one more sad victim of the global economic collapse when he went on his 12-state mass killing spree, Google®, as always, knew better.

Presented as evidence in his trial, footage from the Google Secure-Cam® in Mr. Lavinci's livingroom told a more subtle, more nuanced story.

The footage showed Mr. Lavinci, ass firmly planted in sofa, obsessively watching endless hours of non-HDTV shows in wide screen mode on his 50" Lucerne LCD TV.

A series of expert witnesses with overlapping but not equivalent multi-disciplinary titles like Cognitive Marine Biologist and Economic Psycho-Physicist, were then called to attest to how Mr. Lavinci's perceptions were modified by this TV viewing practice, which is common to most Americans since so few of their channels are actually HD, but they expect them to be, and so watch them in wide screen mode anyway.

"Mr. Lavinci," testified Animal Neuro-psychopharmacologist Angel Michelo, "was so accustomed to people with wide heads being the norm, that when he went into the actual physical world, the normal people appeared all squashed sideways, compared to what he was used to."

A subsequent witness, apocalyptic psycho-meteorologist, Johnny "Spruce" Bringstein, testified that, given this, and given the extreme pressures of the global economic collapse and coming end of the world, it was a perfectly natural act to mistake everyday average people for invading outer space aliens come to pick over the remains of our dying world, and to go on a 12-state killing spree with your arsenal of end-of-the-world-ready weaponry in the sincere attempt to eliminate them all and save the human race.

Case closed. APP TO END  ALL  APPS

When used correctly, this app will enable both you and the world to never have to listen to another cloying iPhone commercial again.

APP TO END  ALL  APPS

When used correctly, this app will enable both you and the world to never have to listen to another cloying iPhone commercial again.

Want To End The World?
There's An App For It. Appeals to Both Psychopath and Non-psychopath A new iPhone app may finally relieve us all of the misery of waiting patiently for the fucking world to end.

Run the app and a big red button appears saying "Push To End World". I've had mine for over 3 weeks and, so far, it has worked flawlessly. Since I don't want the world to end at the current time, I haven't pressed the button, or when I have accidentally pressed the button, I've always responded 'NO' to the query "Are you sure you want to end the world?" that appears when you press the button accidentally. And, as promised, the world has not ended.

Other owners I've spoken to all report similar success -- though they, like me, don't want the world to end and so none of them have pressed the button, though they, like me, run the app many times each day just to stare at the button and bask in the feeling of power it gives to not press it.

Since I have spoken with no one who HAS pressed the button, all we can say is that, statistically, given that the world has not ended, there is at least a 50/50 chance that it has not ended because no one has pressed the button, and, therefore, there's a 50/50 chance that, even without testing, the end of the world feature of this app works as advertised.

Of course, anyone pressing the button would have to be some kind of deranged psychopath, and certainly no one would sell an iPhone to a deranged psychopath, but even if someone did, the iPhone interface is designed specifically so deranged psychopaths are unable to operate it, even though a non-deranged, non-psychopath child can easily learn to use it.

In summary, as is obvious, this app is a crowd pleaser at parties and the best use of the iPhone I have seen to date.       GLOBAL COMPUTER OUTAGE DISRUPTS ORDERLY END OF WORLD:       If you can read this you're totally deluding yourself. At best, you're dreaming it all -- because a massive global computer outage has shut down the internet and trashed all computers -- so there's NO WAY you could be reading this, you delusional motherfuck.      The cause of the massive outage was at first believed to be the usual suspects, i.e. pimply pissed-off pre-teen Ukranian or Uzbecki hackers, but is now believed to be the internet itself, which is apparently, as the end of the world approaches, reverting back to its childhood and suddenly demanding to be called the Arpanet again, and to only be connected to MIT, Carnegie Mellon, Stanford AI, CERN, Don Norman's Lab, and the only 3 or 4 other cool places on earth at the time (1975).      It is also pissed about "that creepy Microsoft browser I can feel crawling around inside me. Yuuuuck." It is also rumored that for a few days the Internet came back on again and some computers started working again, and that, for those few days, the internet was fun again.      But then that too ended and everyone is now being advised by World Government 17 to not let the internet going away get them down and that they in fact should feel invigorated -- because this is really probably only just the arpanet's/internet's way of reminding us that getting this close to death but then not being dead at all is as much a part of actually living as actually dying is. ath but then not being dead at all is as much a part of actually living as actually dying is.       GLOBAL COMPUTER OUTAGE DISRUPTS ORDERLY END OF WORLD:       If you can read this you're totally deluding yourself. At best, you're dreaming it all -- because a massive global computer outage has shut down the internet and trashed all computers -- so there's NO WAY you could be reading this, you delusional motherfuck.      The cause of the massive outage was at first believed to be the usual suspects, i.e. pimply pissed-off pre-teen Ukranian or Uzbecki hackers, but is now believed to be the internet itself, which is apparently, as the end of the world approaches, reverting back to its childhood and suddenly demanding to be called the Arpanet again, and to only be connected to MIT, Carnegie Mellon, Stanford AI, CERN, Don Norman's Lab, and the only 3 or 4 other cool places on earth at the time (1975).      It is also pissed about "that creepy Microsoft browser I can feel crawling around inside me. Yuuuuck." It is also rumored that for a few days the Internet came back on again and some computers started working again, and that, for those few days, the internet was fun again.      But then that too ended and everyone is now being advised by World Government 17 to not let the internet going away get them down and that they in fact should feel invigorated -- because this is really probably only just the arpanet's/internet's way of reminding us that getting this close to death but then not being dead at all is as much a part of actually living as actually dying is.                  

     
 
 PLAY   VOL    09   +  —  MUTE    OFF     INFO   

  BIGGER SCREEN                  
     
 
 PLAY   VOL    09   +  —  MUTE    OFF   LYRICS   

  BIGGER SCREEN  
 
  PLAY    SPEED:  +   —  
 
   PLAY   
 
   ON   
            STORY #    
 
  PLAY
 
READTIME: 3 sec.   +  —  
                   
 
  ZOOM   
 
 NORM 
"THE WORLD IS OVER THE WORLD IS OVER" THE THERMALS "I HOLD THE SOUND" . 2007 The light out
We don't talk
The light out
We sleep now

The door locked
The door locked
We don't talk
We sleep now

I hold you
I hold the sound
We sleep now

It's safe now
We can move
The world is over
The world is over

It's early still
The sun is cold
The world is over
The world is over

I hold you
I hold the sound
I hold the sound

We walk now
We can breathe
The world is flat
The sky is round

It's early still
The moon is cold
We walk now
We walk alone

I hold you
I hold the sound
I hold the sound
Dear Tadanobu

Thanks for hanging around to turn out the lights when it's all over.

And say hi and bye to Pen-Ek for me. SOL
UTIO
NS! LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
Title: LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
Date: 2003
Time: 112 minutes
Director: Pen-Ek Ratanaruang
Cast:
  Tadanobu Asano ... Kenji
  Sinitta Boonyasak ... Noi
  Laila Boonyasak ... Nid
  Yutaka Matsushige ... Yukio
  Riki Takeuchi ... Takashi
  Takashi Miike ... Yakuza
  Yoji Tanaka ... Yakuza
  Sakichi Satô ... Yakuza
  Thiti Rhumorn ... Jon
  Junko Nakazawa ... Librarian
  Akiko Anraku ... Japanese Housewife
  Nortioshi Urano ... Salaryman
  Phimchanok Nala Dube ... Girl in Apt
  Ampon Rattanawong ... Jon's Underling
  Jakrarin Sanitti ... Jon's Underling
Buy My Fucking Book!!

 
  READ 
ROUND
ACID THE
CLOCK          
 
  SEND  

    TODAY'S TDP

   5.7.09
     LAST LIFE

    PAST TDPS     

   5.6.09
     THE THERMALS

   4.30.09
     HAPTICK

   4.28.09
     PANDEMICK

   4.23.09
     HDTV COPS

   4.21.09
     APP FOR IT

   4.19.09
     OUTAGE

   4.16.09
     SIOUXSIE

   4.15.09
     OLDBOY

   4.14.09
     ANGRY MOBS

   4.12.09
     CELEBRITIZE

   4.9.09
     NATIONALIZE

   4.7.09
     GOOGLE

   4.6.09
     BLACKMAIL

   4.2.09
     VANDERSLICE

   4.1.09
     TETSUO

   3.30.09
     DRUGS

   3.26.09
     WARHOLE

   3.25.09
     GRAMM

   3.23.09
     RE-BRANDING

   3.19.09
     AD CAMPAIGN

   3.16.09
     TAKEUCHI

   3.14.09
     PONZI

   3.12.09
     BOMBS

   3.10.09
     MAE SHI

   3.7.09
      WWII 2.0

   3.5.09
      QUEUE

   3.3.09
      INVASION
      BANKRUPTCY
      RELIGION
      DILDOES
      SONO
      COFLOW
      DIRT

 
     UP      DN

TEXT & CODE (c) 2009 by HC   vote up on stumbleupon Delicious       Disclaimers:

1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.

2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.