Sometimes peace of mind is only found in a small piece of the mind. Unfortunately it's the same one that expects tiny TVs to be emitted when you smash huge TVs together.

Because with an AIG/Blue "End of the Whole Fucking World Insurance Policy", if the whole world totally ends tomorrow, you're 100% covered and, by the day after tomorrow, Jake Gyylleennhhaall will show up at your door to personally hand you a check for the full value of your worthless life.

But what happens if the world only partially ends?

OK. So say you're into doing totally infantile things both in life and on your college radio show. Say you're totally into playing and totally into screwing up. Screwing up is much more fun for you than not screwing up, any day.

But inside, and partially sometimes showing on the outside, there's this serious manipulator. She doesn't want something if you give it to her, she only really wants it if she can take it away from somebody else.

So when the world partially ends, say only the infantile part of you ends, but without that, only the manipulator in you is left, so now you're just a wretch.

At this point, AIG/Blue Cross would come in and somehow restore the part of the world that is over for you -- though the restoration might include massive doses of not yet fully tested medications and involuntary confinement in rigorously controlled environments.

Then, when the deprivation and meds finally trick your brain scan into looking the way it did before the world ended, the treatment regimen is locked down, and your insurance claim against the end of the world is marked PAID IN FULL!, and you can return to leading the normal life of a post-apocalyptic zombie. LARGEST HADRON COLLIDER COVERUP EVER

The LHC, the biggest fucking hadron collider in the history of the world and could blow your head clean off, has apparently covered up results that would end physics.

But apparently, rather than reveal this finding and make all physics look totally ridiculous, the Union of Concerned Physicists chose to pretend that some asshole had been fucking around with the LHC and had totally broken it to the point where it wouldn't be in working condition until some future date which would never come.

The Higgs Boson is a hypothetical particle and major component of the so-called Higgs field which is responsible for giving mass to the fundamental particles of matter (like protons and neutrons). Simply stated this means that if the hypothetical Higgs Boson doesn't really exist, then there's no such thing as mass. And if there's no such thing as mass, then there's no such thing as matter. Which means that not only has physics always been wrong about everything, but also that nothing really exists including YOU -- or, at best, you and everything else are just pure information, which itself is just a purely relative measure of abstract relations.

Despite several lame attempts to come up with some other bogus particle or principle that will make mass and matter exist again, modern theoretical physics is now pretty much in the stage of mourning that includes packing up your bags, turning out the lights, and closing the door behind you.

"You could say." said a former popular theoretical physicist, "that theoretical physics is sort of up its ass. But that would be wrong -- because according to what the LHC's telling us, there's no such thing as ass." SPECIES GAME CHANGER FROM NINTENDO?

Nintendo shocked the world today, announcing a new peripheral for its Nintendo Wii that may impact the future of man more than anything ever invented or, uh, conceived.

The swine flu pandemic may not mean much to you and me, but if the world ends in 2011, the film '2012' will be stuck on the wrong end of a sawed-off Hollywood gangplank.

"Our majestic paean to the world being saved from apocalypse yet again by a few super-cool (but flawed and/or nerdy) dudes, now suddenly rings false and hollow," 2012 writer/director Roland Emmerich was overheard saying to himself by his bedroom Google-Cam®.

To try to salvage the film from the box office suicide of being about saving a world that already ended a year ago, the production team has spent 20-hour days re-writing, re-editing and even re-shooting. To date, the following changes have been finalized:

1. The "sprawling tale of conspiracy, politics and ideology" has been modified somewhat to now be a sprawling tale of 360 degree pans of a man in a room sweating, puking and occasionally raising his fist to the frenetic camera and swearing: "Damn YOU, Swine Flu Pandemic!!" 2. Hundreds of hours of breathtaking and mystical Himalayan footage shot at great risk using expensive advanced techniques in cinematography, aviation and survival, are now seen only in an email on the main character's 3-inch iPhone screen. But then, when he pukes on it, the cosmic implications are so heavy that the audience will puke too. Bring a bucket.

3. The "larger-than-life characters whose growth over the course of the (film) interweave seamless with the plot" have been re-dubbed, re-edited, and re-scored so their "growth" now goes from being losers without swine flu, to being winners who also, unfortunately, vomit up their inner organs as they speak.

4. The film's exploration of "the apocalyptic realm through... science and art" and its "bold exploration of the human spirit" has been replaced by a bold, apocalyptic digitally-enhanced exploration of explosive diarrhea, played at half-speed over the opening and closing credits.       UNEMPLOYMENT FINALLY TOTALLY OVER!!     World Government 14.32791 announced today that unemployment is now officially totally over, or will be soon if you extrapolate from current data.       President Harry Woodelson humbly credited several programs initiated by World Government 13.6 for the stunning success.     Singled out for highest praise was the creation of the Human Reaction Forces which provided jobs to 50% of the formerly unemployed.     The Human Reaction Forces were given absolutely no training whatsoever and sent out to kill and be killed by the other 50% of the unemployed who were rioting and looting and blowing up Wall Street and killing bank presidents and giving health insurance company CEOs leukemia.       President Woody summed up the startling achievement thusly. "Hiring the unemployed to exterminate the unemployed," he said, "is probably the best idea anyone in government or business has ever had. Unfortunately, now who can I get to clean my fucking toilet?" business has ever had. Unfortunately, now who can I get to clean my fucking toilet?"       UNEMPLOYMENT FINALLY TOTALLY OVER!!     World Government 14.32791 announced today that unemployment is now officially totally over, or will be soon if you extrapolate from current data.       President Harry Woodelson humbly credited several programs initiated by World Government 13.6 for the stunning success.     Singled out for highest praise was the creation of the Human Reaction Forces which provided jobs to 50% of the formerly unemployed.     The Human Reaction Forces were given absolutely no training whatsoever and sent out to kill and be killed by the other 50% of the unemployed who were rioting and looting and blowing up Wall Street and killing bank presidents and giving health insurance company CEOs leukemia.       President Woody summed up the startling achievement thusly. "Hiring the unemployed to exterminate the unemployed," he said, "is probably the best idea anyone in government or business has ever had. Unfortunately, now who can I get to clean my fucking toilet?"                  

The door locked
The door locked
We don't talk
We sleep now

I hold you
I hold the sound
We sleep now

It's safe now
We can move
The world is over
The world is over

It's early still
The sun is cold
The world is over
The world is over

I hold you
I hold the sound
I hold the sound

We walk now
We can breathe
The world is flat
The sky is round

It's early still
The moon is cold
We walk now
We walk alone

I hold you
I hold the sound
I hold the sound
Dear Tadanobu

Thanks for hanging around to turn out the lights when it's all over.

And say hi and bye to Pen-Ek for me. SOL
UTIO
NS! LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
Title: LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE
        (Ruang rak noi nid mahasan)
Date: 2003
Time: 112 minutes
Director: Pen-Ek Ratanaruang
Cast:
  Tadanobu Asano ... Kenji
  Sinitta Boonyasak ... Noi
  Laila Boonyasak ... Nid
  Yutaka Matsushige ... Yukio
  Riki Takeuchi ... Takashi
  Takashi Miike ... Yakuza
  Yoji Tanaka ... Yakuza
  Sakichi Satô ... Yakuza
  Thiti Rhumorn ... Jon
  Junko Nakazawa ... Librarian
  Akiko Anraku ... Japanese Housewife
  Nortioshi Urano ... Salaryman
  Phimchanok Nala Dube ... Girl in Apt
  Ampon Rattanawong ... Jon's Underling
  Jakrarin Sanitti ... Jon's Underling

ACID

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1. Out of solidarity with the current plight of daily newspapers around the country, The Daily 'Pocalypse will not publish daily, either.

2. The articles in The Daily 'Pocalypse are intended as satire to lighten the burden of the current world tragedy by joking about its most extreme possible outcomes. Should, however, these satirically extreme outcomes actually come to pass, thus making them prophecy (or, a new literary form: prophesatire), we hereby disclaim the existence of all causality, anywhere, ever. Being, after all, is an infinitely simultaneous, massively Boolean, algorithm, which only consciousness breaks into tiny little pieces, called time or photons, and which only cognition erroneously and evolution out of necessity, perceive in causal terms.