The screenplay contained in the attachment to this email is about the salvation of the human race and was written with the express purpose of emotionally manipulating the human race into taking the kinds of actions that will save it from destruction.

If you do not like this topic, I have another screenplay that is about the extermination of the human race, and which was written with the diametric opposite express purpose as the screenplay you now have, so please contact me and I will send you this one in place of that one.

If, however, you do not like either topic, I have another screenplay that's about, like, this guy who's you know like really dumb an shit, and he's got this friend who's also like totally dumb an shit but not as totally dumb as the first guy, but the first guy is better at scoring chicks.

However, despite being all dumb an shit, these guys are also, like, lovable madcaps and everybody loves them until one day the first guy, Heinrich von Kleist, eats a burrito that he buys at a street fair, and gets like all woozy from it and passes out.

When he comes to, he suddenly understands quantum physics at a fundamental level and, as a result, he's able to explain it clearly and concisely to even the most simple-minded layman, and the complex, anti-intuitive, uncertain mystery of quantum physics, that was not understood by even the most advanced theoretical physicists of the day, is suddenly solved -- and by a solution so simple that even an actor, politician, or infant could understand it.

Of course Kleist immediately becomes world famous and even way way more beloved than before -- but about a minute later, suddenly, everybody turns on him and hates his guts and wants to see him dead.

Hiding out in the basement of his last remaining friend, he asks the friend's 14-year-old daughter why everybody suddenly hates his guts and wants him dead.

"All these millions of people who hate your guts," she tells him, "used to have jobs -- but now they're unemployed -- and it's all your fault."

When Kleist doesn't understand why his clearing up of quantum physics has caused everybody to lose their jobs, she explains to him how all work is utterly bogus and has no real reason for existing in any rational world, but that the uncertainty and probabilisticality introduced into the understanding of reality by quantum physics had opened up huge conceptual loopholes where useless senseless boring alienating ugly stupid busy-work became eminently justifiable. But now that he, Kleist, has come along and eliminated all the bullshit of quantum physics, there are no more bogus loopholes in reality where people can create the kinds of lies which were the rationales for the existence of most peoples' worthless, meaningless "jobs".

The film ends there, on a freeze-frame of Heinrich von Kleist looking into the camera distraught and opining how maybe he never should have eaten that fucking burrito.

OK, but there's an alternate, optional, "happy" ending which I include in an appendix to the screenplay. Here it is:

Heinrich von Kleist's alarm rings and he wakes up and he's in his bed and... it was all just a dream!!

But then...

He gets out of bed and goes over to his desk and takes out his notebook which is filled with pages and pages of complex quantum physics type equations which, on the final page all sum up to one simple equation "I=E". He closes the notebook and looks at the cover which is titled: A Simple Single-Parameter Explanation of Phenomena Normally Associated With Quantum Physics.

Then he glances at the cover letter he has written to all living Nobel Prize winners in Physics explaining his simple new theory. The camera zooms in and the film, in this alternate ending version, ends on a freeze-frame of the nearly unreadable, incomprehensible letter.

With this alternate ending, the audience will most likely stand up and cheer, whereas, with the original ending, they will most likely sit there stunned through the closing credits (over e.g. "Cry in the Wind" (Xymox)), with their mouths open, in utter incomprehension. Then, no matter where they live, they'll all walk home in utter silence in the rain and go immediately to bed without drying off, and cry themselves to death in their dreams.

Pricing and stipulations:

You can have either the salvation of the human race screenplay or the extermination of the human race screenplay for $3.5 million each, with the only stipulation being that I have to have absolute veto over casting of the 4 lead roles in either picture (e.g. NO Gyllenhaals) and 100% control over opening (e.g. Velocity Girl or Lush) and closing (Xymox or Cure) credits music.

Also, in any scene where a car radio is turned on, what comes out of it has to be "What's Your Take on Cassavetes?" (Le Tigre).

The third screenplay goes for $100, and the only stipulation is that the production has to come up with (and prove) the actual "fundamental understanding" of quantum physics alluded to in the treatment above, and left blank in several stretches of dialogue in the original screenplay itself.

If all 3 screenplays are purchased together, the fee is waived and the whole package is free -- provided all 3 films are produced and released simultaneously*.

*Simultaneous release: The producers must place a $10 million security deposit in escrow, to be returned upon release of the third film, or to be forfeited to me, upon failure to release the third film within 1 month of the release of the second film or upon failure to release the second film within 1 month of the release of the first film or failure to release the first film within one year of the date of this email.

Thanks for your consideration.

-- hc

PS: if you chose to pass on all this, could you please forward this email to the Coen Brothers and ask them to forward it to the Maysles brothers if they (the Coen brothers) choose to pass, and to ask them (the Maysles brothers) to, in turn forward it to the Wachowski Brothers if they (the Maysles brothers) choose to pass -- and so on recursively through the Chambers Brothers, the Righteous Brothers, the Allman Brothers, the Doobie Brothers, the Brooks Brothers, the Lehmann Brothers, the Brothers Grimm and the Beachboys.

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