It has recently come to our humble, backward, impoverished, 3rd world attention that your overworked and stressed-out population is finding it harder and harder to waste its valuable and limited time anymore worrying about issues, thinking about candidates and then actually getting off their X-treme enormous asses and going to the polls and voting for the vapid worthless slimy scumbag who for the next N years will strut around claiming that when the sun rises every morning its because he got up 2 minutes before and crowed his ass off.

Since, as a fellow nation of the world, we feel great sympathy for your plight and for your overworked stressed-out masses (yearning to be free) and since we have all kinds of highly educated, highly intelligent people just lazing around here with nothing to do and gladly willing to be conned into working their asses off for just enough money to get shit-faced once a week and beat the crap out of their spouses, we would like to offer their services to you in order to take the heavy useless burden of voting off your dislocated and under-chiropracted American backs once and for all.

To put it in terms you can understand:

Isn't it time you finally got rid of that tired, worn-out old electorate of yours. you know, the one that doesn't know its proverbial ass from the proverbial hole in the ground?

Well, now you can!!

That's right! We now offer one-stop shopping for all your electoral out-sourcing needs.

So NOW, with the help of our highly-trained associates, and our automated electoral support package, you can take your whole stupid ignorant motherfucking worthless piece of shit American electorate and toss 'em in the shit can of history where they belong, without sacrificing one stinking iota of the precious freedom that your democratic capitalist fanatical right-wing Christian form of government provides.

We can take the ENTIRE tedious burden of voting and elections totally off your backs, freeing you to do the far more important things that your religious deities have chosen you Americans to do -- like eating repulsive bugs, and watching other people eating repulsive bugs, and degrading talentless people who've bought into the possessive delusion you call "the dream", and going "wild" enough to flash boobs and butt cracks for the camera.... (oh you Americans, you sure do know how to make the most of being the richest, most powerful, most successful and most consistently wonderful fabulous and awesome nation ever to exist in the history of the world, as well as the best dancer (and could blow your head clean off)).

And not only that, but we can provide you with far far better electoral results than any election you've ever had in your entire national history except maybe the first. Certainly far better than you'll get from that crapped out old electorate you've got now.

How can we do this? Simple. we have gathered together a dedicated workforce of hundreds of thousands of impoverished but literate 3rd, 4th and 5th world peasants who have never known democracy never voted before in their lives and have always assumed their fates lay in the self-serving hands of elite wealthy aristocratic others beyond their control.

These people are therefore bursting at the seams over the opportunity to vote, to have their voices heard, regardless of who or what for and even if it's not for their OWN elections.

These people are utterly thrilled at the thought of being paid to listen to the ignorant boring dishonest speeches and vapid promises of your slimeball candidates, and will even be enthusiastic enough to do some of the research necessary (we provide them with powerful computers and internet connections) to learn which of your lying worthless piece of shit candidates is lying better and stronger than the other, and who is better at being a scumbag.

Then, when your election day finally comes around, they will vote -- all 100% of them -- for the candidate who they, after long and very serious and careful study and long deliberation, have deemed the best man to be president of you utter buncha boring vapid ignorant worthless piece of shit American people.

Sincerely,

N_______, president
For A Better Electorate, Ltd.,
Metro Manila

PS. You may be wondering how we construct a shadow representation of your own electorate that will be statistically accurate.

To do this we use advanced computer models of populations and their desires which have been designed by one of the top population desire consulting firms in the world, Joeseph Goebbels and Associates.

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