"It's different when you get to know someone face to face," said Hitler. "All the group hatred melts away and you see he's just like you -- so OK, maybe he comes from a race of people that listens to shitty music and has bad haircuts, but blood and guts and sinews and bile and fear and flesh and gristle and hard throbbing cocks and mucus and smegma trump music and hair any day."

He put his arm around Christ and Christ reciprocated.

But that was just the photo op before they got down to the serious business of saving the world, saving humanity, from the greatest threat it had ever known: me.

"We both wanted a better world," Christ said to Hitler once they were alone together with their aides Einstein, Da Vinci, Galileo, Sandy Koufax, Sunny Day Real Estate, Velocity Girl, Napoleon, Tim Berners-Lee, Marvin Minsky and Kurt Schwitters.

"We just had different ways of going about it based on our different native temperaments and our differing early childhood experiences," Hitler finished Christ's thought, as he would often do with Christ and vice versa during the 2 weeks we spent living with them and their assistants and their high-tech equipment, making this documentary.

Bangladesh had fronted the millions for the state of the art conference room they were meeting in -- the 360 degree surround-vision video walls could be split into 4096 million different individual views of anything or any combination of things anywhere anytime at any scale from infra-nano to ultra-cosmic, and images could be individually arranged into any conceptual structure known to man -- like the binary branching tree structure or the uhhh, uhhhh, the uhhh, you know, all those other structures that man is always putting things into in order to pretend cognition works when we all know it's just a fucking lie -- in fact, the FIRST fucking lie.

Whatever. The point is that Hitler and Christ had all existence and all knowledge at their fingertips to aid them in figuring out how to stop the most profound threat to man and cosmos in all human history, me.

"I'm not into all this video whiz-bang technology crap," said Christ.

"Neither am I," said Hitler. "It's just a cover for man's true ignorance."

"And a side track," said Christ. "Nobody solves problems. Instead, they build a TOOL to solve the problem and then nobody uses it."

"Or they use it for the opposite of what it was intended for," said Hitler. "But let's get down to business. We may have only a few weeks before this guy figures it all out."

But for all their great and powerful hearts, they didn't realize I was in there with them as part of the crew making this documentary.

I had written a program that searched the internet and peoples' hard drives looking for an optimal way to exterminate the universe.

When it came up with an idea -- any idea -- it immediately tried to implement it -- by doing massive email bombing or devising online ad campaigns designed to either directly force the idea into physical being, or bring in people who could.

Using online commerce and online payment systems, the program was able to set up meetings and conferences all over the world on its own, and book travel for well-credentialed participants. It could rent factory space and set up and pay a work force to build complex devices it designed with off-the-shelf CAD-CAM software based on the assimilation and correlation of voluminous scientific data, facts and theory off the Princeton, MIT, and MTV websites.

And as each idea failed miserably to achieve not only its OWN ends, but ANY fucking ends whatsoever, the program modified it ever so slightly and sent it back out to try again -- even as it was generating newer, more off-the-wall, more drug-crazed psychotic ideas and implementing them each femtosecond.

As a result, I had lots of free time and so could afford to be here watching Christ and Hitler and writing this on the side, while my purpose bored effortlessly ceaselessly forward on its own, tearing a near-infinite number of paths through the sphinctral substrate of universal computation, communication and memory.

And in my position as assistant sound man I knew that, purely as a rote function of my trade, I would be unresistably mandated, sooner or later, to point an index finger to the sky above and say: "Uhhh, could you hold that thought a second, Adolph -- I've gotta change the tape."

to be continued....

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