Round
Acid     The
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Friday, September 10, 2004
The Adventures of Christ and Hitler
source: Ethics and Religion Weakly
posted: Sept 10, 2004, 12:01 PM
by: jhc
Jesus and Hitler have snuck out of the conference where they're supposed to be saving the world from me, and instead they've gone wandering through the city at night.

They head towards the sound of the water at the docks. On either side of the wide deserted darkened street, tiny spots of silver in the huge roll-up warehouse doors capture and reflect the few rare photons and are therefore virtually the only things seen so it's like walking through a sparse field of stars towards the sound of waves.

Of course, it is so deserted and so dark, and the flat cold metal walls and doors of the fucking warehouses shut tight, offer no recourse or hope, and so anyone could do absolutely anything he wanted or didn't want here and no one would know, including himself. And, of course, the home-court advantage here far exceeded any advantage ever provided any home team by any court in any sport anywhere in history.

"Pretty fuckin' spooky, Adolph," Christ said to Hitler, looking slowly from side to side. "Are you sure this is really where we wanna be right now? Maybe we should have brought Ghandi along to use as a shield or bargaining chip."

"Relax, Jesus. I've got my luger in case anybody jumps out of the fucking shadows."

"Hitler, man, those fucking aren't shadows, you asshole."

The shadows moved and even Hitler cold see they were people.

"Whoooooaaaaa!" said Hitler, having seen too many Keanu Reeves movies, even the ones where Keanu Reeves is trying hard not to look like the kinda guy who's free enough to be honest enough in the face of unique or uniquely stupid human experience to just let it all go and be like all whoooooa!!, "Whooooa! we're walking down a dark deserted street through a sea of people we can't even see. And they're all just standing around motionless and silent and no one looks like he's even THINKING of making his move. Why isn't anyone making his move!!?"

"Don't look at me," said Christ, "I just work here."

Hitler finally got up the courage to ask one of the shadow persons who he could only dimly make out in the darkness, "How come nobody's making his move? He could score big, and anybody could get away with anything right here right now."

The guy didn't wait to answer -- like he'd heard this one before a thousand times.

"We're busy," he said. "We have bigger fish to fry and right now, we're busy frying them."

"But you're all just standing around in the dark, hardly moving. What's that about?" Christ said.

"There are all kinds of perfect masters who wanna come on our show," another only dimly moving shadow said. "We wouldn't have time for you even if we wanted to."

"That's cool said Christ, we just came down here to get away from our obligations. We wanted to go someplace where we'd be scared shitless and then look off the edge of a pier in the dark. Maybe have the rotting wood collapsing under our feet as we walked, so we're hanging halfway in water till the wharf paramedics show."

"And then we wanted to hunker down," said Hitler. "We just wanted to be flies on the wall where we've just shat up the place, and now the couple that lives there are returning home from 2 weeks in Buenos Aires -- where they've gone so his parents could meet the wealthy refined though a bit twee Americano bitch their son has just scored.

But it's 1 AM so they have to tiptoe in really quiet because some weirdo friends of their roommates and partly of theirs are sleeping on the living room sofa -- and it's only in dim light and hushed voices that they discover their place has been totally shat up and now, though they're totally fatigued and jet-lagged on their ass, before they can go to sleep they have to clean it all up -- but they have to clean it all up really really quietly and really gently cause the people who are probably responsible for shitting it all up in the first place, Hitler and Christ, are quietly sleeping (or more likely hunkered down under their blankets pretending to be sleeping beyond all return but in reality holding back, not always successfully, reams of laughing their sick world historical figures asses off) and shouldn't be disturbed."

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copyright © 2004 by HC