Factional disputes are, of course, no stranger to the great religions of the world, but ours had not yet been so blessed, and therefore, when it finally happened, many were taken by surprise, did not fully comprehend, and against their better judgment found themselves at my humble doorstep seeking guidance.

I, of course, what with, you know, like being a prophet an' all, had seen this moment coming decades ago and so, as always, was bored shitless listening to the tribal elders lay it out for me in their broken understanding of the truth.

Our sacred book, the LASTAR, had made existence entirely clear for us, till then, despite its brevity and simplicity.

But though the canonical texts totaled only a few hundred pages in length and dealt only with the early exploits of the prophet-deity-resurrected-daughter-of-herself, Paula Abdul, there were rumored to be many hundreds of thousands of additional pages of sacred text which the prophet-deity-resurrected-daughter-of-herself had chosen to not yet reveal to man.

These pages were rumored to contain the exploits of many other sub-deities, sub-prophets and unresurrected daughters of nobody, but the mind of man had not matured enough in its limited history to be able to encompass all this vast content or keep track of all these many story lines where boy meets girl, boy loses girls, and cop shoots cop, and they would have to gradually be revealed in time as the human mind grew up.

But the people were, as always, restless.

They began to fabricate.

Before, to solve everyday dilemmas, it was enough to look down at your arm or someone else's arm, and turn it to read the WWPD tattoo there. What Would Paula Do covered just about every human issue with style and grace.

But one night, long ago, someone failed to fall asleep -- or woke up early -- and, in this unnatural state of being half-awake at 3 AM, a vision came to him. Of Girls. Gone Wild.

And somehow, in his confused and distorted state of mind, this vision entwined itself with the scripture already in his head. So that, one day not long thereafter, when confronted with a situation involving many unclear paths, he looked to his arm for help and asked instead, "What Would Girls Gone Wild Do?"

A moment later, when the wave function had finished collapsing, the path was clear, and its success led him to apply this simple formula to all the rest of life and to go on to share it with others so they would be saved too.

Soon this notion spread and took over peoples' hearts, and the LASTAR had to be reinterpreted to keep up with the times. Paula Abdul was still the prophet, but now she was the Prophet of Girls Gone Wild. And she was still the resurrected daughter, but now, instead of virgin birth from herself, she was the sum of all the vaginal discharge of all the girls gone wild all over the world across all history past present and future. And in that sense she never stopped growing.

People seemed content with this cosmology for a while but then, one day, someone without honor who was just in it for a buck, pretended to have lain awake one night, and the next day claimed as divine revelation an alternative formulation of the kingdom of justice and right.

And even though it's obvious in his tone and demeanor that he's just shuckin' and jivin' and doesn't really feel it in his soul, still, when he reveals his vision of What Would Wild Party Girls Do, 42% of the tribe are immediately willing to sign on.

And so today there is a schism in our midst and life cannot proceed with people at cross purposes over religion.

Because when 2 men arrive at a crossroads at the same time and one asks "What Would Girls Gone Wild Do?", and the other asks "What Would Wild Party Girls Do?", then there can be no peace.

Because the What Would Girls Gone Wild do guy knows that the What Would Wild Party Girls Do guy is the victim of a bogus fraud of a faith, a faith developed cynically for money, a faith that did not truly emanate from an honest soul, a fabricated faith of shallow, unfulfilled promises.

But the What Would Wild Party Girls Do guy becomes even more defensive of his faith, knowing that this is what the What Would Girls Gone Wild Do guy is thinking -- and so he'll use every vile tactic in the book to get the better of the What Would Girls Gone Wild Do guy, who, believing that his belief is true and therefore needs no defense, will be completely passive and thus eventually be destroyed by the What Would Wild Party Girls Do guy, and so suddenly the world would be run by an utterly bogus, mercenary, pretend-religion instead of the one true faith.

This was the dilemma brought to me by the elders which I was able to solve quite easily since I am 20 or 30 years ahead of these fucking morons.

The solution is trivial because the future has revealed a far more profound and potent truth and guide to behavior than What Would Girls Gone Wild Do. Up ahead in our magical future, though already old hat to enlightened prophets like myself, is WWTBTWCD, the one final absolute religion of truth and beauty and justice and the answer to all questions of the spirit and all logistics from morality to stain removal.

For the answer to everything is but to ask, "What Would The Babes of The Weather Channel Do?"

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