2001
Dec 9: 5 Storys
Oct 18: Handbook of Jihad
Apr 21: WJTBF / Washington Pissed Weblog
Mar 23: Bush Suspends "Pesky" Constitution
Feb 23: Bush Keeps Campaign Promise!! Leaves No Child Left Behind

2000
Dec 28: "Election" 2000 Re-cap
Nov 16: RE-Vote.com
Jun 10: New Cell Phone Comes With New Drug To Treat New Cell Phone Disease
Jun 1: Scumbags Sue Slimeballs Over Rights To Assholes

May 30: Note to Readers - Sepell-chekkede version
May 26: "Missionary Position: Impossible!" - Prose-free version
May 12: Severe Flavor-of-the- Month Shortage Forces Dramatic Internet Shutdown
May 5: The Grunion Sucks Up: Sofia Coppola Interview Re-Mix
May 1: They Split Bill's "Brain"

Apr 27: Who Killed Neil LaBute?
Apr 24: Scantily-clad but intelligent and well-spoken women....
Apr 17: Viva El Capitalismo
Apr 14: The Accidental Washington Pissed Human Genome Project w/random nucleotide triplet stock ticker
Apr 8: The Accidental Washington Pissed Human Genome Project
Apr 3: Cuban 6-Year-Old Buys Collapsing Microsoft!

Mar 31: The Future Doesn't Need Jack Shit
Mar 27: Coming Soon! (A random film-trailer generator)
Mar 24: Clinton Invites All Women To "Come Fuck Me In The White House"
Mar 20: Pope Apologizes For WWF, WCW, ECW Breaking All Those Damn Utility Tables
Mar 11: Cast (in order of penis size)
Mar 3: Staring At Shaking Around Browsers Leads, Ineluctably, To Getting Just Sooooooooooooooooo Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaid, Harvard/Princeton/MIT Study Finds
Mar 1: Yogi, Jungian, Bong Bong (Sixteen Bit Mono)

Feb 24: Big Bang Totally O-V-E-R!!!
Feb 21: Candidates Eschew Isms!!!
Feb 16: Earthquake Hallucinating Rampant, US Internet Survey Discovers!!!
Feb 14: FBI Arrests Hackers!!!
Feb 11: Jennifer Lopez's Proctologist Awarded Congressional Medal of Honor!!!
Feb 9: Bush Claims Reformer Mantle; Cites Solid B Average in Reform School
Feb 7: So-Called "Hillary" So-Called "Announces," Or Whatever!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feb 4: WARNING!!! CROSS-SITE SCRIPTING EXPLOITS MAJOR INTERNET SECURITY HOLE!!! ALL SITES VULNERABLE!!! ALL BROWSERS VULNERABLE!!! ALL PLATFORMS VULNERABLE!!
Feb 2: Quayle Wins Landslide Supreme Court Presidency In New Hampshire

Jan 31: The Destiny of Human Logic Zero, Other 16
Jan 28: Starsky Will Give VP Nod To Hutch
Jan 26: New York Times Buys Washington Pissed!!!!
Jan 24: Whoops, Distracted "Fans" Accidentally Miss Whole Fuckin' Superbowl
Jan 21: Art/Official Insemination
Jan 19: Reform Candidates Graham, Wadd, Blend Pornography, Religion
Jan 17: Area Resident Witnesses Huge Flash Of Light
Jan 14: Jane Fonda Announces She's Still As Big a Fucking Asshole As She Always Was
Jan 12: Media Landscape Still Reeling Over Mega Mega-Merger
Jan 10: 2 Companies, Or Whoever, Merge, Or Something
Jan 7: Happy Anniversary Big Bang!! or Whoever
Jan 5: People Already Sick of New Millennium, Obviously Because of MTV
Jan 3: Animals Capitalize On Global Chaos, Seize Cities And Towns

1999

Dec 31: Yeltsin Resigns!!! Needs More Time for Serious Drinking
Dec 29: Klpf Klpf-X
Dec 27: THINGIES OF THE YEAR, CENTURY, MILLENNIUM, ALL TIME, ETC.
Dec 20: FUCK EBAY; FUCK LA; OR VICE VERSA!!
Dec 15: Suddenly...
Dec 10: the 21st Century in Review 2040-2050
Dec 8: the 21st Century in Review 2022-2037
Dec 6: Year End Review: the 21st Century 2000-2021
Dec 3: Former Planet Accidentally Evaporated by Former Space Agency
Dec 1: Seattle, London Greet Holiday Season With Joyous Celebration

Nov 29: Donald_J_Schmuck_2000.com
Nov 22: eBay hOspital Now "Hiring"
Nov 19: Top However Many Whatever
Nov 17: Unflush, Hand Job Devices Make Big Splash at "Fall" COMDEX
Nov 15: Blood In All The Wrong Places
Nov 12: Radio Shack Buys Microsoft; Gates Tests Suicide 1.0
Nov 10: Microsoft, Justice Dept. Settle; World Economy Saved!!!!
Nov 8: Microsoft Is Apparently a Company, Or Something
Nov 5: Angry Nations Repent Self-Centeredness, Burn Own Flags
Nov 3: Disgruntled eBay Computer Auctions Self Off On eBay Causing 3-Day Outage
Nov 1: Nihilist-Worker Candidate Calls For No More Fucking Dumbass Shitwork

Oct 29: New Chip-On-a-Chip Will Eliminate ALL Chips; Universe Too
Oct 27: Tommy Lee's Cock To Seek Reform Party Nomination
Oct 25: "Series" In Infinite Loop; Old Dimension Abandoned WHILE YOU SLEPT!!!
Oct 22: 10 Great Places Where People Only Talk in Grunts
Oct 20: Former Manzarek Pool Cleaner To Seek Republican Nomination
Oct 18: Not published due to California quake actually happening. Whoops.
Oct 15: Not published due to California quake prediction.
Oct 13: 60's Popsters Sue Country Star, Diva, Comedian, Shrink
Oct 11: Schmuck To Seek Reform Potty Nod
Oct 8: Ed Smith Buys Ed Jones For a Couplea Toyotas
Oct 6: MCI WorldCom Gets Rid of 3 Letters and a Space for $129B
Oct 4: Buchanan Unveils Progressive Poverty Plan
Oct 1: "Adult" Linux Delayed Again!!

Sep 29: CIA-Mafia-Moonie Logo Found At Core of Distant Nebula
Sep 27: Exploding Bullshit Detector Sprays Coritcal Fragments On Dance
Sep 24: Yet Another Typically Stupid Internet Company Name Eliminated!!
Sep 22: "Only a Hair" Is Amount by Which Car Fails to Beat Train to Railroad Crossing
Sep 20: Miss Communications Crowned Miss America 2000
Sep 17: Clinton Claims Executive Prissiness
Sep 15: Heinz, Bestfoods Merge; Ketchup, Peanut Butter, Tuna To Become One Food
Sep 13: Majority Potheads and Alcoholics Party Picks Next US President, VP
Sep 10: MTV Wins Coveted MTV Award For Winning Most Consecutive Coveted MTV Awards!!!
Sep 8: Nasalcrom Buys CBS!!
Sep 3: Discovery of New Testament Typo Leaves Formerly Righteous Suddenly Doomed!!
Sep 1: 5 Senses OVER Sony Says; Aims New Products At Paranormal Modalities

Aug 30: New Amazon "Circle Jerk" Feature Raises Privacy Concerns, Ire, Penises
Aug 27: New X-Ray Telescope Discovers Outer Space Is Just Cheesy Lucasfilm Effect
Aug 25: 21 So-Called "Ideas" For the So-Called "21st Century"
Aug 23: There's Just All This "Stuff!!" Study Finds
Aug 20: Genome Project Found Dead
Aug 18: Drug Use Down 50%!! Despite Everybody's Always Being Constantly Totally Stoned On Their Ass All the Time
Aug 16: Dole Promises to Be First Woman President, If Elected
Aug 13: Bush Drops Out, Quayle Becomes President
Aug 11: Bush Wants to Be Your "Fuck" President
Aug 9: CNN Folds After Accidentally Seeing Several Reincarnations of the World Into the Future
Aug 6: What's Gonna Happen Is Pretty Fuckin' Obvious, Study Finds
Aug 4: Whole World Thing Suddenly Clears
Aug 2: First Lady Finally "Open Up;" Totally Spills Deeply Disgusting Presidential Secrets

Jul 30: Everybody Unexpectedly Simultaneously Retires
Jul 28: Reform Party Will Reform Schools for "Our Children"
Jul 26: Concert ends in silent rampage
Jul 23: Self-help guru pulls own trigger of own shotgun in own mouth with own toe
Jul 21: Accidental mini-Big Bang sucks Nevada into mini-black hole
Jul 19: The Beverly Amazons.com
Jul 16: House "Intelligence" Committee passes encrypted encryption bill
Jul 14: USDA warns "Twinkies Unsafe!!!
Jul 12: Nobel Prize committee will offer new Nobel "equivalency" prizes
Jul 9: Pot smoking can impair ability to NOT get Munchies
Jul 7: Mosher promises more big bang theory for the buck
Jul 5: Amid multiple Big Bangs, a fear of nanotubes run amok
Jul 2: Another loser wins another lottery

Jun 30: Cable and Broadcast Primetime TV Grid
Jun 28: Sensationalist Headline Writer Found Bludgeoned To Death In Steaming Pool Of Blood
Jun 25: Bitter racial epithets fly at PC Expo
Jun 23: Presidential hopefuls commit to bold new oxymorons
Jun 21: New technique gives butterflies windshield wipers and/or vice versa
Jun 18: Palm Pilot VIII prototype found in Einstein's brain
Jun 16: NASA or somebody launches some so-called satellite or something
Jun 14: Bug found in Y2K bug
Jun 11: New virus aimed at net's largest user group: total fucking morons
Jun 9: Destructive glitch found in human communications protocol
Jun 7: Supreme Court finds in favor of Diana Ross
Jun 4: Internet revolution OVER!! Replaced by tin-can telephone revolution
Jun 2: Genghis Khan bemoans declining youth violence

May 31: Lexus Chainsaw Massacre
May 28: Grieving wrestlers punch each others' lights out to honor fallen comrade
May 26: Cox and Dicks accuse China of espionage in order to try to draw attention away from their names being Cox and Dicks!!!
May 24: Dumbest damn thing EVER finally happens
May 21: Dostoyevsky announces new line of merchandise tie-ins
May 19: Amazon buys up all possibility
May 17: Lycos getting the fuck outta "that loser portal business"
May 14: Annual Satire Stand-down
May 12: Historians discover shocking new truth about History
May 10: Our moronic millennium: the early years
May 7: 2 Scummiest, Shittiest, Slimiest, Ugliest, Filthiest, Most Putrid Corporations In World History Join "Forces"!!!!
May 5: Food "out"; Secure compressed digital music formats "in"
May 3: Global burger flippers now need advanced degrees

Apr 30: Fatal "glitch" discovered in popular local "religion"
Apr 28: Getting royally shit-faced cures everything, study finds
Apr 26: Elway calls it quits!!!
Apr 23: Disney Sues English Language Over, You Know, Some Shit
Apr 21: Pulitzer Prize losers honored
Apr 19: Gates Kidnapped!!!!!!
Apr 16: Astronomers discover new Calvin Klein fragrance
Apr 14: California Resident Income Tax Return 1998
Apr 12: Consumers Should Stop Being Such a Buncha Utter Fucking Assholes, Study Finds
Apr 9: Mass Murderer Wins Massachusetts State Lottery
Apr 7: Wal-Mart, Amazon Settle Suit
Apr 5: Baseball Season Either "Opens" or Will Open soon
Apr 2: Whole New Universe Discovered!!!

Mar 31: Important Message From Gary Busey
Mar 29: New Technology Compresses 30 Times Better Than MP-3
Mar 26: Death By Value Proposition
Mar 24: Microsoft Opens Privacy Center
Mar 22: Stars Given Prestigious Nobel Prizes Or Academy Warts
Mar 19: 2000 Election Cancelled On Account of Too Many Creeps
Mar 17: Things Were Gonna Happen!!
Mar 15: Microsoft Splits Into 4 Groups
Mar 12: Something Voted Most Something Or Wins Something
Mar 10: Microsoft Confirms Glitch
Mar 8: Bush Rape Victims Launch New Website
Mar 5: Hackers Hack Pentagon
Mar 3: Microsoft Unveils New E-Commerce Strategy
Mar 1: 3Com Replaces PalmPilot With PsalmPilot

Feb 26: Animals Apparently Just Fakin' It, Journal Finds
Feb 24: Grammys Honor Year's Crappiest Music
Feb 22: New Processor Does, Uhhhh, Something
Feb 19: Christian Coalition Switches To Satan!!!
Feb 17: Clinton Re-Impeached For Getting Caught Video-Taping Self Smoking Crack And Having Sex With Illegitimate 12-Year Old Haitian Daughter!!!
Feb 15: Hallmark Valentine Cards Destroy Actual Lives!!!
Feb 12: Amazon Dot Com Books Now TOTALLY FREE!!!!!
Feb 10: USA Networks Buys Lycos!!!!!!
Feb 8: Microsoft To, Like, You Know, "Reorganize"!!!!!!
Feb 5: Senate Votes "YES" On NO Witnesses
Feb 3: Capitalism Buys Socialism
Feb 1: Gagging, Retching Sounds Mar Super Bowl Commercials

Jan 29: Murphy's Law Will Acquire Moore's Law!!
Jan 27: Courageous Congress Impeaches Pot-Smoking Pope
Jan 25: Top Celebs Receive Golden Showers
Jan 22: New Plane Can Bomb Stone Age Back to Present
Jan 20: Rodman Quits!!!!
Jan 18: Real Estate of the Union
Jan 15: Clinton Announces Lowest Crime Rate Ever (Wink, Wink)
Jan 13: Dialing For Dali
Jan 11: MCI WON'T Buy AirTouch!!!
Jan 8: Digital Convergence: Fingers Crossed, Fingers Given
Jan 6: According to the Gartner Group -- Or Whoever
Jan 4: Europe Goes, Like, All Neuro!!
Jan 1: Predictions For So-Called "1999"

1998

Dec 30: 1998: So-Called "Top" So-Called "Stories"
Dec 28: 1998 In Pictures
Dec 23: So-Called "Furbys" So-Called "Re-Called!!!"
Dec 21: Man of the Year!!!
Dec 18: Livingston Admits to Bein' a Fuckin' Shitbag
Dec 16: Death Buys Life!!!
Dec 14: Amazon.com Will Start Selling Actual Amazons
Dec 9: Lame Fuck Congress Still Wants Pres To Be A Peach
Dec 7: New Shipment Of Hard Cheese At The General Store
Dec 4: Java Apparently A Piece of Shit; Microsoft Too
Dec 2: Internet Stocks: Poising For Critical Mass

Nov 29: Estimate of Cost of Y2K Cost Estimate Exceeds $500 Billion
Nov 25: Capitalism Merges With Heroin
Nov 23: Death Buys Suicide
Nov 20: Russia Launches First Leg of Space Station Studio
Nov 18: So-Called "COMDEX" Sorta "Held," Or Something
Nov 16: Tom Wolfe: A Man Full of Himself
Nov 13: New Chip Obviates Cognition
Nov 11: Netscape, Microsoft Founders Get Into the Riot Act
Nov 9: Notre Damn de Mister Lesbo
Nov 4: Election Held Despite Sounding Too Much Like "Erection"
Nov 2: Atrocities In Tent Cities

Oct 30: Perfect World Now Possible !!!!
Oct 28: Bates Found Guilty of Not Even Bothering To Violate Federal Anti-Trust Laws
Oct 26: "Being Over" Apparently OVER Being Over
Oct 23: Gates Fixed Series, But Didn't Call Barksdale 'Putzhead'
Oct 21: Peace Prize Goes To Guy For Punching Out Dickhead
Oct 19: Children Apparently Bored By Child Pornography
Oct 16: But Where Is The Face-Sitting Oral Madness?
Oct 14: N.B.A. Upgrades Basketball to New New 2.0 Version
Oct 12: Stoned Out South American Author Wins Nobel Prize
Oct 9: Microsoft Unveils First Original Product EVER!!!!
Oct 7: Global Ponzi 2: Run On the World
Oct 5: The Slate "Arts" Index
Oct 2: Being Over Is (Apparently) OVER!!!

Sep 30: Success Successfully Simulated
Sep 28: Happy "Have Your CPA Fix Your Toilet" Day
Sep 25: New Aircraft Obsoletes Reality
Sep 23: Buffalo 155, Green Bay 99 In Overtime
Sep 21: Fascist Regime Usurps Morning TV Schedule
Sep 18: Getting Total Global Economic Collapse Right
Sep 16: Righteous Moral Leader Found Dead
Sep 14: Caller ID Device Detects Blowjobs/Congress
Sep 9: Ken Starr Report: Complete Transcript!!!
Sep 7: Mercedes Unveils New Line
Sep 4: Hotwired Re-designs Website!!!
Sep 2: Local Cat Eats Local Lizard

Aug 30: Internet Depression Sweeps Nation, Decimates Population
Aug 19: Air Force One Lands in Cuba!! Others Follow!
Aug 16: COMPLETE Transcript of Clinton's Grand Jury Testimony!!!
Aug 14: Most Fucked-Up Clinton Alive Tells All!!!
Aug 6: Monica Lewinsky's Grand Jury Testimony

July 31: Spill_Semen(President, Dress_of (Monica, Stereolab))
July 29: Most Fucked-Up Lewinsky Alive Tells All!!!!
July 27: Joint Forces Take Southern California; Resistance Light
July 24: Murdoch Converts Crappy Dodgers Into Slimy HMO
July 22: MTV Debuts Baby Murder Quiz Show Sitcom
July 20: Tragic Prehistoric Animals Apparently Ate Doritos
July 17: Massive Manhunt Turns Up Massive Man!!
July 15: Market Is Just Exo-Soul!!
July 13: World Cup Is OOOOOOOOOOOOOOVER!!
July 10: Drugs Corporation Launches Anti-Frying Pan Campaign
July 8: Cosmos Restructures, Seeks Niche
July 6: MIT Researchers Discover Pre-cognitive VCR
July 3: CNN Claims CNN Is Utter Lying Cheating Stealing Baby-Killing Sack of Shit!!!
July 1: Lewinsky Joins Spice Girls!!!

Jun 29: US-China Agree to Bomb the Fuck Out of Each Other
Jun 26: Animal Mutilation Future of the Web
Jun 24: AT&T, TCI Merge Into One World Platform
Jun 22: The Buzz On The X-Flies
Jun 19: Satan Unit Buys Empty Puff Ball, Infoseek
Jun 17: Top 100 Films List Compressed for Short Attention Spans
Jun 15: Media Bombshell!! Reporters Caught Taking Leaks!!!
Jun 12: Look out, Barbie! Here Comes the INTERNET BABY!!
Jun 10: One Strike and You're Air
Jun 8: "Drugs Are Wrong!!! And Can Kill [You]!!!"
Jun 5: Telecommunications Becomes "One"
Jun 3: Lewinsky Fires Ginsberg, Hires Kerouac
Jun 1: Possible Ford Fairlane Found Orbiting Distant Sun

May 29: Fleetwood Marx On Comeback Trail Again
May 27: Digital Sampling -- If You Know What I Mean
May 26: Geek Film Wins Palm Door
May 22: World Infrastructure Collapse Ate My Balls
May 20: Publishers' Weakly Best Sellers
May 18: Bombs Away!!!!
May 15: Final "Steinbergger" Accidentally Sucks a Big One
May 13: The Horse Whisperer's Final "Steinberg" Episode
May 11: Cure For DNA Found!!!
May 8: CNN Stumble Reveals History of the World
May 6: Bill Gates Saves America, Again
May 4: People Piss On Own Pop Culture!!
May 1: Viagra Stumbles: $10-A-Pop Placebo Exposed!!

Apr 29: Krapp's Last Picture Show: The Final Seinfeld Episode
Apr 27: A Boy And His Log(s): Dow Devours Dung
Apr 24: Dow Opens, Like, All Lower!!
Apr 22: Windows 98: NOT An Utter Fucking Piece of Shit!!
Apr 20: Tragic New Internet Usage Survey Rocks Mankind
Apr 17: Paula Jones Sues Pol Pot
Apr 15: California Resident Income Tax Return 1997, Form 540A
Apr 13: Bank - Church In 70 Billion Dollar Merger
Apr 10: Digital Convergence
Apr 8: Boeing Builds "Un-crashable" Airplane (Wink, Wink)
Apr 6: Shitbags Make Biggest Deal In History!!!
Apr 3: Clinton Constantly on Acid!!!
Apr 1: White House Sex Candle Uncovered in Oval Orifice!!

Mar 30: Company Upgrades Website!!
Mar 27: CNN Made Me Do It!
Mar 25: Year 1999 Bug Discovered; No Fix Possible
Mar 23: Tactical Nuke Mars Celeb Promo Show
Mar 20: Pope Gives Ken Starr Kick-Ass Depo
Mar 18: Academy Awards Cancelled!!
Mar 16: Will He? Would He? Willey? Woody?
Mar 13: Jones Details Lesbian Sex In Cheap Hotel Room
Mar 11: Capitalism Is Outta Shit
Mar 9: Ex-Nanny To Wed Ex-Intern
Mar 6: Ice On Moon
Mar 3: Senate OKs Acid For Airline Pilots

Feb 27: White House Tries To Squash Ken Starr's Penis
Feb 25: Cosmos Is Just Failed Fix For Imperfection In Nothingness
Feb 23: Emotion By the Ocean
Feb 20: MTV Just Disappears!!
Feb 18: Researchers Reveal Revised Big Bong Theory
Feb 16: Bankrupt Ostrich Farmer Earns $300,000!!
Feb 13: Monica Lewinsky Saves Christmas
Feb 11: Oops! Massive Nuclear Strike Sorta A Little Off
Feb 9: Monica Is My Daughter!!! Clinton Tells All; Steps Down
Feb 6: Clinton Holds It In, Weather Goes Crazy
Feb 4: Military Embraces Twinkie Defense
Feb 2: Politician, Blow Thy Self

Jan 30: Bully Pulpit Fiction
Special Bogus Article: The New York Times -- Moonie Stooge
Jan 28: President Appears in New State of the Union Dress
Jan 27: The Manchurian Date: The Drudge-Lewinsky Connection
Jan 25: WWW.WHITEHOUSESEXSCANDAL.COM
Jan 23: Finally!!! Somebody in Washington D.C. Gets Laid!!!
Jan 21: So-Called "Pope" Goes to So-Called "Cuba"
Jan 19: Year 2000 Bug Found in Ramsey Fingernail DNA
Jan 16: OJ Confesses: Clinton Did It
Jan 14: CBS Buys Football
Jan 12: Survey Shows College Freshmen Bored Shitless By Boring Shitty Reality
Jan 9: Deranged Balloonists Attempt Suicide
Jan 8: Wings Accidentally Left Off Planes; Flight NOT Over
Jan 6: "New Optimism" Is Out; Skiing Into Trees Is In
Jan 5: "New Optimism" Sweeps Nation; Wired On Board

1997

Dec 31: '97 Year in Review Generator 1.1
Dec 29: Year in Review Generator
Dec 22: Prime Time TV Grid
Dec 19: Sweet Bird of 90 Proof
Dec 17: President Goes All Wacky at Press Conference
Dec 15: All Politics Is Pharmacological
Dec 12: All Pharmacology is Local
Dec 10: Oracle Predicts Zero Future
Dec 8: All Politics is LSD-27
Dec 5: Driving-Cars-Through-Walls Replaces Heroin as "Chic"
Dec 3: "Gore Did Not Kill JonBenet Ramsey," Says Reno
Dec 1: "Weird Shit" ID'd by DOJ at MS HQ

Nov 26: Iraq Cooks Turkey, Etc.
Nov 24: Septuplets Dial "K" for Kevorkian
Nov 21: Septuplets Go On Killing Spree
Nov 19: Disney Plans TWA 800 Ride
Nov 17: Fatal COMDEX Error '97
Nov 14: Clinton Threatens Iraqi Leader With Jones
Nov 12: IBM Develops New Hi-Density Drives
Nov 10: Hey, It's Fucking RAINING in Southern California
Nov 7: Stock Market Goes To Zero
Nov 5: Microsoft Buys Microsoft!!
Nov 3: Kramer Preferred Fried Egg for Lead in Top Grossing Film

Oct 31: Cache-32
Oct 29: Chinese Leader Into Fire Drills, Elvis, Armed Repression
Oct 27: Market Dines On Fresh Turd
Oct 24: Black Monday, FOREVER
Oct 22: President Impeached for Makin' Shitty Videos
Oct 20: CNN Claims Series Tied 1 to 1
Oct 17: Kennedy Tapes Reveal Nuclear War ACTUALLY HAPPENED!
Oct 15: Cassini Vaporizes Florida; Havana Marlins Win Pennant
Oct 13: Spiritual Revival Sweeps America
Oct 10: Anderson Lee Wins Nobel Piece Prize
Oct 9: Gates, McNealy Disagree On How Big a Piece Of Shit Java Is
Oct 8.5: AOL Buys Cracker Jacks
Oct 7: Ickes Buys AOL
Oct 6: White Guys Can't Preach
Oct 3: Flight Is Still Over
Oct 2: Pissed Off Teens Detonate
Oct 1: Paul Wins First Annual "Rodney"

Sept 30: Explore Her For Point, "Oh"
Sept 29: If It Works, This Must Be a Dream
Sept 26: Albert Pleads Guilty to Lurid Sex Crimes
Sept 25: Buncha Losers Pick Millennium's Top 100
Sept 24: Robot Toyotas Target Celebs
Sept 23: Dialing M for $odomy
Sept 22: Clinton, Gore Resign To Squash Impeachment
Sept 19: Hey, Ted Turner Has Money
Sept 18: Nationwide Satire Stand-down
Sept 17: Market Crashes on News Hi-Tech is DEFINITELY OVER This Time
Sept 16: Dying Drunk Predicted MS Vapor
Sept 15: Wacky Space Station Sweeps Emmys
Sept 11: Simulation Of Life
Sept 10: Bot Implicates Reality
Sept 9: EOL Buys CrampuServe
Sept 8: Paparazzi Vow to Back the Fuck Off
Sept 4: "Make My Celebrity Day" Bill Passes House By 3 to 1 Margin
Sept 3: Breaking and Marketing NewsWire
Sept 2: Eels on Wheels: The Next Big Thing?

Aug 28: Jeans Gene Disclothed
Aug 27: Disco Bomber ID'd by OD'd
Aug 26: Focus You[rself]!
Aug 25: "Java is the Monkees!!" Article Reveals
Aug 21: Antidisestablishmentarianism for the Soul
Aug 20: McDonna's Dumps Contaminated Burgers
Aug 19: I Found Your Talk So Inspirational, I Just Had To Steal Your Mercedes
Aug 18: Don't Parse GO. Don't Collect $200.
Aug 15: Not always published on Friday (July & August)
Aug 14: Auto-Fellatio for the Soul
Aug 13: JonBenet Autopsy Report II Opens Today
Aug 12: Not published on account of being too hungover from Hulk Hogan's birthday party.
Aug 11: Lyin' Item Vito
Aug 8: Not always published on Friday (July & August)
Aug 7: Laws of Physics Definitely Crumbling This Time
Aug 6: Apple Finds New CEO!! Whoops, It's Bill Gates
Aug 5: UPS in the Sky with Diamonds
Aug 4: 7 Plus Or Minus 2 Inducted Into Fame Hall
Aug 1: Not always published on Friday (July & August)

July 31: FBI Uncovers Conspiracy of Brutal Eyeball People
July 30: Today's Race Card at Del Mar; Races 1 & 2
July 29: "Fuck Money!" Say Pols
July 28: Where Do You Wanna Go for Me, Lately?
July 25: Not always published on Friday (July & August)
July 24: Cunanan Lives!
July 23: Interview With the Fugitive
July 22: CNET says CNN "Pushes Porn"
July 21: Cunanan Found! -- On Mir!
July 18: Mir Cable Disconnected
July 17: Andrew Cunanan's Homepage
July 16: WWW.CUNANAN.COM
July 15: Gianni on the Spot -- Shot!
July 14: Microsoft Denies "Entertainment is Over!"
July 11: Not published due to jftermath fo californai fmdutl qualkek
July 10: Clinton Apparently Controlled By Connie Chung!!
July 9: Americans Riot -- Sick of Mars
July 8: Champagne Finance Reform: Turn Off The Bubble Machine
July 7: NASA Discovers Rocks on Mars!!
July 4: Not published due to aftermath of California quake
July 3: Not published due to massive California Multi-quake
July 2: Hidden Messages in Server Code Predicted Mir Crash, Tyson Ear
July 1: Mir Crash Caused by Too Much Fucking Garbage

June 30: Turner Bites Off Murdock's Ear
June 27: Clinton Warns of Possible Global Warming
June 26: Supreme Court OKs Doctor-Assisted Decency
June 25: Roswell Aliens Celebrate Anniversary, Blow Up Mir
June 24: Apparently Bill Gates or Something
June 23: Film Industry Reveals Why Its Stuff Just May Actually Suck
June 20: The Prosecution Rests Tonight
June 19: Bagman and Robert
June 18: Microscape Announces 360 Degrees of Degradation
June 17: Microsoft Endorses Some Standards or Something
June 16: Fix Coming Prophecy Unveiled
June 13: Un-fixable Bug Found in All Versions of Netscape!!!
June 12: WWW Achieves ZPG
June 11: Online Anal Probe Device Unveiled at Privacy Conference
June 10: Gates Takes $Billion $Dollar Comm Shot
June 9: Ralston is Dog Food
June 6: Air Con
June 5: Sex Gun Truck
June 4: McVeigh Released!!
June 3: > 200MHz = SATAN
June 2: Blowjobs, Blowjobs, Blowjobs

May 30: The Global Intranet In Your Pants
May 29: No Adultery or Sodomy Found at National Spelling Bee
May 28: Genitalia Nation
May 27: Clinton in Paris: No Time for Sodomy
May 26: Lost Word
May 23: Kevork the Milky Way
May 22: Robot Ego Warriors Battle for Mass Market Bunghole
May 21: Albert or Alpert Caught Sodomizing Gifford
May 20: Robots Nabbed in Satanic Ritual
May 19: Results of JonBenet Ramsey DNA Test
May 16: GATES CAUGHT WITH TRANSVESTITE HOOKER!!!!
May 15: Winona Ryder's Brother Buys Rupert Murdock's Truck
May 14: DEC Sues Intel; Intel Sues AMD; AMD Sues Cyrix;
             Murdock Sues Dodgers
May 13: 100 CEOs Decide: "Not To Be Born Is Best"
May 12: IBM Proves Human Brain Is Utter Piece of Shit
May 9: Tiny "Bugs" Are Chewing Up Reality!
May 8: Ba-Dah Ba-Dah Ba-Dah La Bomba
May 7: San Diego Mayor Proclaims "Summer of Suicide"
May 6: Clinton Flees to Mexico
May 5: Book Excerpt: The Autobiography of Jesus M. Christ
May 2: Brits Get Even More Fucking Labo(u)rious
May 1: Bogus Lesbian Show Sparks Massive Riots

Apr. 30: Ticketmaster Sues Microsoft Over Who's a Bigger Scumbag
Apr. 29: Republic of Texas Comes Out as First Lesbian State
Apr. 28: Volunteer Your Ass, Motherfucker
Apr. 25: The Web Grows Up
Apr. 24: "Bozo" Journalist Arrested!
Apr. 23: Fascist Murderer Kills 17 in Cold Blood
Apr. 22: Gates Cancels Whole MSN Spring Programming Lineup
Apr. 21: 8700 Plus, Celebrate With Precision Mass Collision
Apr. 18: Cache the Wind
Apr. 17: Understanding Mediocrity, by Marsha McLuhan
Apr. 16: Microsoft Pushes Acid Desktop
Apr. 15: Pop Culture is Over
Apr. 14: Smirnoff's Puke Technology Obsoletes Push
Apr. 11: Market Crashes! On News That Push Technology Is Shit
Apr. 10: CNN Hires Clinton, for 2000
Apr. 9: Solar Flares Will Destroy Earth (Yawn) Today
Apr. 8: Orgasm Pill Definitely Causes Obesity Virus
Apr. 7: AOL Will Refund Actual Life
Apr. 4: JonBenet Suicide Note Found In Bus Station Locker
Apr. 3: Apple Buys Ellison; Ballard Buys Apple
Apr. 2: Fucking, Down
Apr. 1: SWJ not published, in honor of National Media Day

Mar. 31: Internet Suicide Cults Spread Like Kudzu
Mar. 28: Manson, Cimino Partner in Heaven's Gate Web Venture
Mar. 27: The Web Made Me Do It
Mar. 26: Clarity as an Artifact of Distortion
Mar. 25: Scientologists Give Oscars to Fat Brits and Scientologists
Mar. 24: Oscar Show Cancelled; "Just Too Fucking Bogus"
Mar. 21: Book, Film, Zine, Song, Interactive DVD
Mar. 20: So Many Channels, So Tiny, Media Brain
Mar. 19: Supremes' Court Decides What's Decency
Mar. 18: CIA Says DNC Compromised NSC
Mar. 17: Did Chinese Contributions Influence US Fire Drill Policy?
Mar. 14: Clinton Assassination Attempt Cover-up Exposed
Mar. 13: Cloned Sheep Have Acid Flashbacks, Senate Learns
Mar. 12: Clinton Withdraws Alleged Confession
Mar. 11: Working Line of Code Found in Microsoft Product
Mar. 10: Feral Bureau of Investigation Announces Suspect 3.0
Mar. 7: Buggy JonBenet Clone Ruled Out
Mar. 6: Microsoft, Like, Fixes Bug
Mar. 5: Clinton, Gore Resign
Mar. 4: Bowling for Blowjobs
Mar. 3: Alleged Confessions Swamp Net

Feb. 28: Market Crash Triggers California Quake
Feb. 27: Grams for Grannies
Feb. 26: Rupert in the Sky with Sli-i-i-ime
Feb. 25: Drug Czar 4 U
Feb. 24: The Foxification of the Unconscious
Feb. 21: New Times / Old Times / LaLa Land
Feb. 20: Clinton Comes Up With A Buncha New Phone Numbers
Feb. 19: Shuttle Crew Returns Empty-Handed
Feb. 18: Soup, Drugs, Death; Popular Themes in New Products
Feb. 17: CBS Buys AOL; Pfizer Buys Wired
Feb. 14: Air Talks
Feb. 13: NASA Walks, Hubbell Talks
Feb. 12: Technology May Be a Load of Shit, MIT Study Finds
Feb. 11: Scientologists Nominate Academy Wart Recipients
Feb. 10: 24 Whores in Cyberspace
Feb. 7: Primetime TV Grid/Federal Budget
Feb. 6: Gif Animations May Cause Cancer, Study Shows
Feb. 5: Clinton Calls For End of Work As We Know It
Feb. 4: NBA, NFL, MLB, ECW Merge
Feb. 3: Satanic Message Found in Bruno Magli Photos

Jan. 31: Deals, Suits, Fuck-Ups
Jan. 30: Cronkite Delivers REAL Bronco Chase Tapes
Jan. 29: OJ Jury Deliberates
Jan. 28: Partying Porkers Penetrate Peruvians
Jan. 27: Porkers Beat Porkers By Score
Jan. 24: OJ Jury Predicts Superbowl; Favre, Bledsoe Call OJ Verdict
Jan. 23: Fan. Shit. Splat!
Jan. 22: Cohen Gets All Defensive
Jan. 21: OJ Sues AOL, AOL Sues the Pope
Jan. 20: Clinton Knocks 'Em Dead in New Inaugural Dress
Jan. 17: Like, Nothing Happened
Jan. 16: Microsoft Launches Orifice 97: Multi-App Nutra-Suite
Jan. 15: Kaczynski Buys Mail Boxes Etc. - Will Only Change 2 Letters
Jan. 14: The Narratives Are Restless
Jan. 13: Clinton Dumps Albright -- Appoints Jones to State
Jan. 10: Newt's Cell Call Exposed! Read It Here!
Jan. 9: Yeltsin, Paula Jones, Will Buy Dodgers
Jan. 8: Extinct S-Zines Reincarnate, Merge, Buy Dodgers
Jan. 7: 200 Blowjobs
Jan. 6: Coffee Up and Smell the Wake: It's Fucking Over!
Jan. 3: Newt, Jewell Announce Unified Field Theory,
            Seminars, Books, Push Media Alliances
Jan. 2: Cheap, Generic, Post-New Years
Jan. 1: NTY not published, in honor of whatever.

1996

Dec. 31: Feds Will Fuck Up MDs Prescribing Medical Ebonics,
              Say Reno, McCafferty
Dec. 30: 2001 or So: The Year in Review
Dec. 27: Publi$her$' Meekly, Be$t $ellout Li$t
Dec. 26: NTY not published, in honor of "Fuck Materialism," Day-2
Dec. 25: Americans Declare "Fuck Materialism" Day;
             Launch Nationwide Boycott
Dec. 24: 1998: Year in Review, or Whatever
Dec. 23: 1997: Year in Review, or Something
Dec. 20: You Know Jack, Right?
Dec. 19: Prime-Time TV Grid
Dec. 18: Hitler Saves Christmas
Dec. 17: High-Tech Companies Rush to Abandon, Uh, High-Tech
Dec. 16: Case (or Chase), Ellison, Andreessen, Barksdale Caught
              in Drug-Lesbian Menage
Dec. 13: Ovitz Calls It Qvitz
Dec. 12: Prime Time TV Grid
Dec. 11: Earth "Shines Like the Sun:" It's Java Day!
Dec. 10: MSN Out to Re-Launch: Nervous Gene on Parade
Dec. 9: Wired, Like, Sells Out!
Dec. 6: Whoops! US Leads Slouch Towards World Stock Collapse
Dec. 5: So Many News, So Little Newsweeks
Dec. 4: Whaddya' Know, Inflation Numbers May Be Total Bogus Bullshit
Dec. 3: Prime Time TV Grid
Dec. 2: Economy's Perfect, So Get Out and Spend Your Ass Off

Nov. 29: Relax!! -- NIH Nails Nervous Gene
Nov. 28: Thanksfuckinggiving
Nov. 27: AOL Replaces One Shitty Search Engine With Another
Nov. 26: Weekend Box Office: Nov. 22-25
Nov. 25: Nicole Died for Code, OJ Claims
Nov. 22: Study Shows Air Bags Take Lives; Meanwhile, OJ Takes Stand
Nov. 21: Geek [Non-]Fiction Bestsellers
Nov. 20: CEOs Churn Out Comdex 1.01a Upgrade, Overnight
Nov. 19: 200,000 No-Shows Close COMDEX
              After Only 1 Day of Snooze Shmooze
Nov. 18: Joint Strike Aircraft Designed Specifically for American Youth
Nov. 15: Market Crash Due Wednesday, Financial Economists Say
Nov. 14: Non-Fiction Bestsellers
Nov. 13: Study Says 250 Million Americans Are Bots
Nov. 12: Clinton Fakes Right, Throws Faaaa....aaaaar Right
Nov. 11: Newsmen Rush to Board Brinkley Juggernaut of Filth
Nov. 8: Cabinet Resigns En Masse; Clinton Picks Replacements
Nov. 7: Judge Lets Time-Wanna' Be
Nov. 6: Harry Browne Wins Amazing Presidential Landslide Upset!!
Nov. 5: Pissed-Off Voters Sit This One Out
Nov. 4: Clinton Thinks Race Too Easy; Bites
            Head Off Socks to Test Electorate
Nov. 1: Gates Blasts Electronic Commerce Wide Open
            With Merchant-Ivory Server

Oct. 31: OJ Narrows Search for Nicole's Killer
            to 3; Will 'Let the People Decide'
Oct. 30: Human Genome Project Scores Big!
            Discovers 'Asshole Gene'
Oct. 29: Jewell Inks Major Multi-Mega Deal
Oct. 28: Way New Media Gets Way Old, Way Fast
Oct. 25: Hillary Dumps Bill Over Dorky Shirt
Oct. 24: 'Tudes Whip Tools, 8-6 in 10th
Oct. 23: Child Porn Spam Pisses Off Righteous Cyberfolk
Oct. 22: Clinton Drops Out of Race After Watching B&W Film
Oct. 21: Clinton Goes Negative -- Targets "Asshole Voters"
Oct. 18: Netscape Announces Comprehensive Suite of
            Incomprehensible Products
Oct. 17: Obscenities Fly at Final Debate
Oct. 16: Madonna's Baby Already Into Anal Sex
Oct. 15: Microsoft Re-Launches 'Network' With All New Lineup of
            Worthless Crap
Oct. 14: Starving Children Eat Sally Struthers
Oct. 11: Dole's October Surprise: "I'm a Marxist"
Oct. 10: VP Debate Voted Lamest Event in All Human History
Oct. 9: Jim Lehrer Will 'Go Lesbian' to Boost Sagging News Hour Ratings
Oct. 8: Stephanopoulos Quits White House; Will Run as 3rd Party Candidate
Oct. 7: Candidates Debate Loaded
Oct. 4: Dole, Clinton Say "Forget Hartford"; Stone, Morris Will Debate Instead
Oct. 3: Extropians Nip Cyber-Libertarians 1-0 in 12th
Oct. 2: Dole Replaces Kemp With Anna Nicole Smith
Oct. 1: Arafat, Netanyahu, Clinton Meet; Discuss Babes, Booze, Browsers

Sept. 30: IBM Calls It Quits; "Just Plain Bored"
Sept. 27: Information Age is Over, Bell-Atlantic President Claims
Sept. 26: Dole, Clinton To Debate Fully Erect
Sept. 25: Artist Revises Prediction from Grave
Sept. 24: SuNBCBS Unveils Online Pol/Culture Zine