95 Doors (all locked)

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Truth or Consequences, WA, US --

What happens when you give C++ compilers to 10,000 chimpanzee's and lock them in a room with Jim Morrison, Ray Manzarek, and a 120Mhz Pentium box with 1024 Megs of RAM but no operating system -- and don't let them out till they can make a 16 million-color photo-realistic animated cartoon-animal walk naturally through a complex textured background, while 100,000 different spreadsheets recalculate simultaneously in the upper right hand corner of the screen?

Why, 95 DOORS (all locked), of course. From the Mike Rosoff Corporation.

But, please, order now while supplies last, so you'll be ready for the late '96 release of "KEYS '96" which will, well, you know, sorta allow you to unlock at least a few of the 95 Doors, so you'll finally be able to use the software and access all the great new features we've added, like uhhh, uhhh, well, you know, features so cool and necessary that if we mentioned them out loud you'd all kill each other trying to get to them first. But rest assured that these exciting new Tools will empower you to, first, give us all your money and, then, shut the fuck up and leave us alone.

-- Kirk Vomit, Jr.

(exclusive to the Mike Rosoff Network)