Dear Member,

As you are probably aware, our goal here, at the Mike Rosoff Network has always been, in the words of the poet, "...to find pornography in a grain of sand..."

Nevertheless, and despite our best efforts, what we have wound up with, instead, has ranged between "Fear and Clothing," on the one hand, and "Gas, Food and Logic," on the other.

And we want to apologize for this failure, because we know that you and your nuclear family are just sitting there frothing at the mouth for the kind of wholesome all-family pornography and filth that our advertising has been promising for decades now.

So, in order to resolve this situation immediately, we've asked our personal agent, the Unabomber, to look into it, and he will be contacting you shortly.

Thank you for continuing to support the Mike Rosoff Network despite our many shortcomings, which, of course are not to be mis-identified with the shortcomings of our members.

Yours,