Acid     The
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Everybody's Shit
source: The American Journal of Worthless Crap
posted: August 19, 2004, 1:01 pm
by: rmk
Recently, everybody's shit was thrown open to everybody else. At first, it was free. Then, suddenly, you had to subscribe.

But for one low subscription price you get the Everybody's Shit cable channel and unlimited access to the Everybody's Shit website -- plus Everybody's Shit Magazine comes to you weekly, the Everybody's Shit e-mail update 3 times a day, the Everybody's Shit RSS feed minute-by-minute, the Everybody's Shit newsletter alert whenever, and the exciting new Everybody's Shit E-bill boards (which are readable only with special glasses provided free and ONLY to paid subscribers and designed to work ONLY with their unique retinal "fingerprint") are everywhere.

But the Everybody's Shit website is really the focus for the exciting new power that everybody now has -- the power to paw through everybody else's garbage and e-mail and refrigerators and drawers and cars and trunks and glove compartments and safety deposit boxes and bank accounts and medical records and home videos and surveillance videos and phone books and rolodexes and pockets and wallets and purses and computers and back-up disks and mail and answering machines and voice mail messages and attics and basements and storage sheds and closets and medicine cabinets.

And every few months there's a bonus. For no extra fee, you get to look behind everybody's refrigerators and stoves and under their beds and you also get a detailed second-by-second chemical analysis of exactly what's coming out of all their drain pipes -- along with a complete readout of the reverse engineering of these chemicals back into not only what's being poured down their drains, but also what these people are puking and spitting and dumping out of their gut -- the innermost temple of their selfhood.

Already, new celebrities have risen from this exciting new medium of Everybody Else's Shit. But these new celebrities are based more on unique sets of gastric juices, than on the genetic predisposition to give casting directors hardons, that used to determine celebrity in the past.

And a new breed of NGOs is forming as well -- a sort of open-source SETI type operation where all the worlds people's unused processor cycles and disk space is used to take all the world people's packaging label garbage and grocery slips garbage data and compare them with -- on an individual by individual basis -- the chemical composition of all the world's people's drain pipes (after subtracting out, of course, all detergents, drain cleaners, and cosmetics), so that with these 2 end points plus some medical records input, you can pretty much interpolate back into and know what's going on INSIDE anybody else in the world, on a person by person as well as on a pretty much day by day if not hour by hour, and approaching, along some dimensions, minute by minute basis.

But what the FBI, the DEA, the moonies, and El Asshole fear is that with this kind of direct access to each other's hearts and souls and guts, people will begin to turn away in droves from the former babes and athletes and charismatic and charming and audacious figures who comprised the celebrities of the recent past.

But, fortunately, old-school celebrities aren't taking this lying down.

They have started the We Need a New Day Foundation whose mission is to show everybody how we need a brand new day -- a day when we get our collective shit back together, and start giving a whole new brand of lip service to a whole new breed of lies.

permanent link to this article

copyright © 2004 by HC