Dear Member,

This is the file you've requested, but it doesn't contain the data you requested.

That's because of a glitch in Time itself, or because the phone company is having a problem and there's nothing we can do about it.

Fortunately, the information you requested sucked anyway, so you are actually saving time by reading this, instead.

Thanks again for letting us scan your hard drive and delete competing software and read all your email and word processing files, and then sell the personal consumer profile derived from this to any Fortune 1000 company or lunatic fringe group willing to pay for it.

What? You don't remember giving us any of these permissions? Maybe you better "lay off the sauce" and, to help, we recommend you rush right out and buy the new "Mike Rosoff 12-Step," the software that's guaranteed to break any vile self-destructive or even vile self-actualizing habit.

And, thank you for continuing to support the Mike Rosoff Network, despite the recent accusations of heinous crimes made against us.

And please rest assured that these outside fuckups will in no way deter us from a near obsessive concentration on the satisfaction of all our members, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Yours,

Mike