STATEMENT OF DONALD J. SCHMUCK

November 9, 1999

Politicians are a buncha losers -- alawys talking, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. And while it is true that we have a healthy surplus right now, who cares?

The plan I am proposing today does not involve anybody doing anything, actual numbers, financial considerations or the usual "ideas." I know exactly what to do instinctively, so all you American people have to do is just shut the fuck up and get off my back.

Here is the SCHMUCK plan;

First, since all my billions and billions of dollars are currently all tied up in the tallest, firmest, most expensive skyscrapers in the world, the American people will have to loan me all their money for DEFINITELY no more than 2 weeks. Max.

Then, when my ship comes in, I will pay everybody back DOUBLE or maybe even TRIPLE and the American people will be twice or three times as rich as when I started 2 weeks previous.

After that, we can all retire and everybody can just watch me on television talking about and showing off my latest supermodel and hinting at how we're about to have the best sex anybody's ever had, as soon as the camera's are turned off, and who knows, maybe sooner.

Then, even though no one will ever get tired of watching me and my latest supermodel either talk about or actually have better sex than anyone's ever had before, I'll be bored and have to go out and make some multi-billion dollar deals, eat a few racks of lamb, and get a new supermodel cause, unfortunately as a result of being with me, the old one is all used up and will have to go back to fucking photographers or whoever.

I will also save social security, so there will always be people around to watch me talk about all my money and supermodels and real estate deals and how cool I am.

I will also save medicare for the same reason.

And blah blah blah. Who cares about the rest.

Anyway, when I die, if ever, and if I'm still president at the time, to pay the people back for worshipping me for being so rich and cool, I will tell everyone the secret of why I am so rich and cool and have had every great babe that every lived -- even though, the people are so lame, they won't be able to do anything with it anyway. And then I will slip graciously or gracefully from center stage.

How Can I Help Schmuck to Run?