Gartner, MT - (Jan 6) - According to the Gartner Group or somebody, "Blah blah blah blah blah." The Garner Group is apparently a "group," or something.

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In other high tech news, Comcast will apparently buy part of itself and then tell that part of itself to please shut the fuck up and mind its own fucking business. Or something.

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Microsoft will release or rename some really great new bug fix, or really great crippled upgrade or really great patch or really great security hole in all its software forever, or something, today.

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Shares in Amazon.com rose $75 today on news that the online bookseller would only lose, like, about $140 million next year as opposed to $141 million the Gartner Group had predicted it would lose next year.

"This is a great day," said Amazon CEO, Jeff Gartner, "and I just wanna say, in all modesty, as much hard work and strategic planning as it took to lose $140 million, it took even more hard work and strategic planning to NOT lose that extra $1 million that the Gartner group said we were gonna lose but we're not. So Nyaaah Nyaaaah to all my brothers and sisters and uncles and cousins at the Gartner Group. And save me a couplea peyote buttons. I'll be working late AGAIN tonight.

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Home networking apparently today blah blah blah blah.

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A new handheld device that blah blah blah blah blah.

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According to the Gartner Group, the so-called "bar" in presidential politics has been so-called "raised" thanks to all the Clinton stuff. "All future Presidents," opined James Gartner, president of the Gartner Group and former star of "Gunsmoke" or something, "will have to subtly promise to the electorate that they will not only have MORE sex in the oval office than Clinton, but that they will also have much raunchier, filthier, and more brutal sex with ever greater numbers of increasingly absurd categories of sex-partner, than Clinton ever dreamed of."

"If a President isn't caught dragging at least one dead body per month out of the oval office in the middle of the night," Gartner added, "she'll immediately be impeached as utterly unfit to govern."

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In other news, here is how the impeachment trial will work: First, something will happen. Then something else will happen. And so on.

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In other news, the Senate or whatever was adjourned or abducted into the Hall of Fame early today on account of apparently somebody had stolen its stash. Probably somebody like Bukowski or Rostenkowski or whoever. Anyway, Speaker of the House What's-His-Name told Speaker of the Senate What's-Her-Name, that they would have to adjourn on account of there was no dope and they couldn't legislate not stoned on account of they would fuck up too much if they tried to do it straight.

Anyway, according to the Gartner Group, when the Senate gets enough dope so they can get stoned enough to reconvene, they will immediately begin passing legislation regarding this pentagonal chemical ring structure thing to be used by the military to graph semantic relationships for the purpose of analysis. Apparently, the right and left vertical bars of the ring are each made out of a hundred still-living bit-off-and-spit-out flea legs scotch-taped together, working in perfect harmony so that the top two diagonal bars stay the same while the vertical bars/legs go through a violent transform, after which, the diagonal bars that have stayed the same have also, nonetheless, been raised to a higher level.