2 Companies, Or Whoever, Merge, Or Something!!!
REUTERS [or whoever] - (Jan 10) - Some company or something named, apparently, AOL or whoever will apparently merge or whatever with some other company or something apparently named Time-Warner or somebody.

Time-Warner is apparently a company or something named after a magazine or something named Time or whatever and a brother or somebody named Warner or whoever.

AOL or whatever is apparently a company or something named after the initials of America and being On and doing Lines. Line is also what you get if you say "lyin" real fast in Georgia which is also the name of a song by Ray Charles who also did another song called "Hit the Road Jack," which is the name of one of the Warner brothers who founded Warner Brothers, and pretty much sums up what AOL will say to Time-Warner as soon as nobody's looking anymore, i.e. tomorrow.

The new merged or whatever company or whatever which will apparently be the biggest merger or whatever of a company or whatever named Time-Warner or whoever with a company named AOL or whatever in the history of companies named Time-Warner and AOL, will now, apparently, once merged an' all, or whatever, change its 2 names from Time-Warner or whoever and AOL or whatever to only one name which will apparently be the name, "Just One Big Utter Worthless 350 Billion Dollar Merged Piece of Shit."

The new merged company will specialize in taking whatever utter worthless lying sicko media and "entertainment" crap Time-Warner can come up with and ramming it down the throats of whichever 20 million unsuspecting losers AOL can trick into accidentally inserting one of those 250 billion "Free AOL" CDs into their CD ROM drives.

For its share of the merger, AOL will receive a new free copy of Time magazine every week to sit around in their AOL waiting room, unread, while, for its share, Time-Warner will receive the long overdue bill for 250 billion "Free AOL" CD ROMs, plus postage, and land-fill fees for the ultimate disposal of 249.98 billion, unused.

According to many analysts, the two companies are culturally a perfect fit, as both have in common having absolutely nothing in common with the other.

Buchanan Settles Gonzalez Case; Cooks And Eats "The Litte Bugger" REUTERS [or whoever] - (Jan 10) - President Patrick J. Buchanan today announced a solution for the so-called Elian Gonzalez case, which is apparently about some 5 or 6-year-old kid who fell off a boat or something near Florida or somewhere.

"I will cook and eat the little bugger," said President Buchanan, by way of announcing his solution to the so-called Elian Gonzalez case which is about some 5 or 6-year-old kid who fell off a boat or something near Florida or somewhere.

Buchanan, who recently cooked and ate his former Vice President, was unavailable for further comment as he became suddenly engrossed in moving little SS action figures around the top of the presidential podium, occasionally emitting a "Wheeeeeeeeee! Kewel!" Or something.

INTERNATIONAL
International House of Pancakes Pulls Out of UN

NATIONAL
National House of Pancakes Pulls Out of US

THE LAW
IHOP Sues NHOP For, Like, Patent and Copyright Infringement on the Very Concept of Pulling Out of Something With a "U" in it.