Fonda also announced her divorce from longtime "husband," of a couplea years, Ted Turner, on the grounds of his holding her back from being an even bigger utter fucking asshole than she's always been by sometimes not always being at least as big an utter fucking asshole as he was when she met him.

Fonda, however, stopped short of accusing Turner of having deceived her and the American people by not actually being as big an utter fucking asshole as he claims to be, and settled for calling him a pathetic loser who'd never be even as big an utter fucking asshole as her little pinkie.

Gates Calls It Quits!!!
"Gates," or whoever, has apperently called it "quits," or something.

"Gates" is apparently a person or something. "Quits" is apparently a thing or something that you call when you realize what a load of shit it all is, or when you wanna, for whatever reason, try to be a little less of an utter fucking asshole than you always were.

We salute "Gates" in the impossible task of trying to be a little less of an utter fucking asshole than he actually is and always will be.

"Weekend At Bernie's" Voted Top Achievement Of All Human Civilization Of All Time
The motion picture, "Weekend At Bernie's," has been voted the number 1 top achievement of all human civilization, of or for all time.

"Weekend at Bernie's II," finished second in the voting, and everything else was tied for 3rd.

The committee deciding the list was composed of a cross-section of all possible categories of all people who've ever existed in the history of the world -- i.e., yourself and everybody else.

According to the committee, the reason for "Weekend At Bernie's" being the number one achievement of all civilization of or for all time is on account of its accidentally showing what an utter fucking asshole everybody ISN'T, except for Bill Gates and Jane Fonda, despite intentionally trying to show what an utter fucking asshole everybody IS, including Bill Gates and Jane Fonda. Or Vice Versa.

Government Implicated In Secret Plot To Make TV Shows Be Even Bigger Utter Fucking Pieces Of Shit Than They Already Are
Salon.com "magazine" or whatever, itself no stranger to the world of being an utter fucking piece of shit, has revealed today that the reason TV shows are all such utter fucking worthless pieces of shit is on account of the government forcing them be utter fucking worthless pieces of shit in order to include government messages in their "plot lines" aimed at convincing people that doing heroin and smashing frying pans doesn't give you a great body like that chick with the great body in the famous ostensible anti-drug ad who, government propaganda notwithstanding, obviously developed a great little TV-commercial grade body by years of assiduously doing heroin and smashing frying pans.